LTA: This Just In...

 Now before I begin I wanna point out that I talked about this particular series a while back, it being a part of a grander retrospective on cartoons made for Spike TV, something interesting in itself. From a pornographic superhero show helmed by Stan Lee, to a show who's only lingering offense was the mere presence of Kelsey Grammer, though you could argue this was before he had truly lost his mind, and yes I know he had been a Republican long before then, because he had a big role in An American Carol, which showed that of the Zucker Brothers David was the least talented, and that Kevin Farley is a case for what would've happened had Chris not, well you know.

There is a point to me going political here, especially on Republicans, just wanted to point that out.

But even those are objectively better than Ren and Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon, a show that proved that John Kricafalusi wasn't the unadjusted genius people thought he was, and showed exactly what would happen if he was allowed to do whatever the hell he wanted without having to work around network standards and practices. This was the bottom of the barrel, especially amongst its contemporaries.

By 2004 the well began to run dry. We were cheated out of an adult cartoon by Klasky-Csupo, well, another one, but that got to see the light of day in a different way at least. But there was one Spike TV cartoon that made it to air that year, one that isn't as talked about because let's face it, few even knew about its existence whether Adult Party Cartoon eclipsed it or because nobody even watched it.

Ladies and gentlemen, This Just In.

Background

This Just In was the last Spike TV cartoon produced for the network, well last cartoon that made it to air at least. This Just In lasted for four episodes, more than the amount of APC episodes that made it onto the network at least, airing between March and April of 2003. It was between this, Stripperella and old Ren and Stimpy reruns accounting for the last of Spike's animated output at that point, but for the time it came out, it was an interesting period for Viacom-owned ventures. It seemed Viacom wanted to put the hammer down and broaden the scope of their more niche networks. Along with continuing their experiment with animated series on Spike TV, we got shows like O'Grady on The N, Fatherhood on Nick at Nite, and Alf's Hit Talk Show on TV Land. What puppets don't count? Also bringing this up for the sake of a coincidence and to shed light on some more obscure shows.

But that's just when it came out, who was behind this show? The show was co-created by Kevin Kay, who served as the president of Spike TV at the time, and Steve Marmel, who otherwise handled the rest, co-writing and playing the main character. If the name Steve Marmel sounds familiar, it's exactly who you think it is. You may recognize Marmel for his work with Butch Hartman, Fairly Odd Parents, Danny Phantom, and of all things a pre Jimmy-Timmy Power Hour Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius episode, one that I do not have the fondest memories of.

But Hartman aside Marmel has actually done quite a lot, having written for old Hanna-Barbera cartoons like Johnny Bravo and Cow and Chicken, also doing some stuff for Disney Channel like Sonny with a Chance, So Random and Mech-X4, before gradually fading into the background. I bring up his other stuff because, given how people attempt to highlight his contributions to Hartman's stuff, especially since he tends to take more credit than he deserves, people really have little idea how much Marmel had done, let alone what he does, because here is where things get interesting.

At least as far back as the George W. Bush administration, Marmel was a conservative, though in his own words he was a 'raging moderate'. This is important because politics play a major part in this show, hence that little tangent near the beginning. It's also important to note that this is the first and only cartoon Marmel helmed without Hartman, for better or worse.

The genesis of this show came from Marmel wanting to make a show that would undercut a recurring theme of cartoons and other shows portraying conservatives as idiots if not outright evil, and given that The Simpsons had gone as far as giving Springfield's Republican party headquarters an evil castle I guess his claim held some merit. And I guess conservative politics would fit right at home on Spike TV. Whether or not the show was truly awful cannot be confirmed. Whereas with APC the show ended while Spike's animation block was still active, this show ended when Spike shut the lights off on it, so it was doomed to go under no matter what.

And just to answer that burning question you might have, is Marmel still a conservative? No, he isn't. While this show came out during the second bush administration, it was around 2005 that Marmel would change sides. During the Trump administration he locked in on Trump bashing, going to show how much of a 180 he pulled. This isn't gonna be some dirty laundry deal, in fact it's just going to show Marmel's evolution.

The Tone

Now when it comes to conservative-oriented comedies, or comedies made by conservatives there is a recurring pattern with each of them. The protagonist is portrayed as morally right at all times, every dissenter is a caricature or in the wrong no matter what, for people who hate politics it's a defining element of their show, murica, so-so animation.

Not saying shows like King of the Hill are guilty of this, for something like that while Hank Hill has conservative views he is also more open-minded compared to others in his stead, for one thing he isn't a blind advocate for everyone in the Republican National Convention, don't ask him about George W. Bush, and I doubt he'd be so gung ho to root for a New Yorker, take a guess.

But anyway, it's obvious what I'm actually referring to, but if you don't know I'm talking about shows like Mr. Birchum, shows that act more like power fantasies for their niche audiences, seeking to validate pre-conceptions they have and throw in some comedy so bad it should be illegal. Of course some of you might think.

"But Channeleven, Mr. Birchum was made for the Daily Wire, a conservative news site, it's not a power fantasy it's just playing to their audience!"

Okay you got me there. So for the sake of establishing the kind of tone many bad conservative comedies go, why don't I use a more general example, like The Critic? ...hear me out.

Much like how certain conservative comedies act as power fantasies for conservatives, The Critic acted a power fantasy for movie enthusiasts. While Jay Sherman was intended to be a hapless loser, nine times out of ten he managed to succeed by the end of an episode, is often always portrayed as being in the right and his field being portrayed as morally essential, and a lot of the jokes are either obvious or punching down, but for the sake of not getting off topic I won't explain how even though I really really want to.

Just saying, replace movies with conservative concepts and you'd have a near one for one between The Critic and Mr. Birchum. But that aside, I wanted to establish a standard I'd hold This Just In to, if the protagonist has the same kind of odds as Jay Sherman then this will be a miserable experience.

The Characters

So onto the protagonist Brian Newport. Brian is a conservative news columnist for The Register, very likely The Orange County Register, that is in spite of the show taking place in San Diego. While Brian's columns are big enough to get noticed by small time news networks, half the time they don't view his writings the way he wants them to be viewed. He is single and the only woman who ever dated him did so because she thought he was a liberal, he lives in a crappy apartment, or condo, or low rent housing community, and people otherwise don't take him seriously.

He is a die-hard republican, but he does not have the blind adoration most other shows would've given him, and given the other examples I've brought up that says a lot. Adding onto the stand-outs, Brian has a black friend, er let me rephrase that. He doesn't have a black friend, he has a friend who just so happens to be black. A common straw many conservatives grasp at is that they have an African American friend who exists solely to validate their behaviors. In those shows the black friend is generally a near perfect clone of the conservative whack-job. In This Just In, the friend who happens to be black, Jimmy, is often quick to debate Brian on his ideas, that or not blindly agree with him every which way. He's more like Lionel Jefferson from All In the Family, he's a person, not a representative of the black race nor a shield for problematic individuals and their equally problematic beliefs.

Speaking of defying stereotypes present in conservative comedies, Brian has a liberal foil in a bar waitress, Sami. If this show were to be made today, well you can guess how she'd look. Unappealing for a general term. But here she is just as headstrong as Brian and quick with a rebuttal. She also looks like an actual human being and not a stereotype or strawman. They have a believable kinship, and I could imagine these two seeing each other as the only ones who can carry out a legit debate.

Of course it's not just them. Also making up the cast is Craig Tindle, who is more or less just a walking punchline. He is in a relationship with a Korean-American woman Hsu and needless to say it ain't fun for him, in fact according to Spike TV's website he had lost a decent job and the fun personality he once had over the engagement. You don't have to be married to have a good life, anyone who says otherwise is either old fashioned or just plain stupid. But onto how this is carried out as a joke, it's not amped up to the point it becomes more tragic than funny, but it's otherwise repetitive. He's essentially pussy whipped, and if you didn't hear it from me you'd hear as much through his ringtone. As for Hsu she is otherwise one of two of the more stereotypical characters on the show, but somehow not to the same extent as other characters in general. Also she is a neoconservative apparently, this was only brought up in passing  The other is the bartender Henry, a Cuban-American immigrant who, expectedly or not, bemoans his life before coming to America. If I had a nickel for every Cuban-American who had fled their country, because let's face it they had justification to do so, I'd have three nickels, one for Henry, one for Emilio from The PJs and one for Vic Palmero from George Lopez.

If there's one thing I'd have to say about the characters at least they sprung for unique actors, rather than casting the same familiars over and over again. Whereas many shows nowadays are looking to ensure characters of certain ethnicities share actors of similar backgrounds, Marmel was ahead of the curve depending on your point of view. The actors otherwise suited the ethnicities they had for the most part. Rudy Moreno played Henry, he is of Latin American descent, and Cuba is technically a part of Latin America... certainly counts more than a Malaysian actor voicing a Laotian character. Sami was played by Alex Menses, who has Mexican roots. I'm not clear on her connections with Henry so I'm gonna assume Sami is inherently Hispanic, that is in spite of the thick accent which would spell it out. But on the other hand, Gwendoline Yeo played a Korean woman on this show... whereas the actress is from Signapore.

Guess it's still better than springing for Lauren Tom again... because she'd be even less of an accurate fit... yet she still kept her role as Minh, a Laotian... the King of the Hill revival isn't an isolated incident, this has been a thing for years and this show is a case for that.

Beyond them, the remainder are parodies of existing individuals, you know, celebrities, politicians the usual crop. I'll give the show this, most of the time they don't go for the obvious, either that or what they aim for is so out there that I can at least say I never saw it before. Bringing The Critic up again let's compare how they handled Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Critic had a lot of softball jokes, leaning heavily into his Terminator role, even having a scene where his giant body was a fake... talk about punching low.

In This Just In, the show leans into Arnold being from Austria, an adjacent to Germany, and otherwise voyuristic. Hey, I said it was different not good, but still widely more entertaining. It's important to note that Arnold was once California's governor, as a Republican, so the fact that he is otherwise poised as a borderline Nazi using his influence to silence dissenters, especially given where we're at now, it seems Marmel was either ahead of the curve or he managed to remain consistent with his philosophies.

One more thing I wanna bring up is that Arnold in This Just In was played by Darren Norris, because you can clearly hear Jorgen Von Strangle in his voice, which along with providing a lot more than just the Terminator again, leans heavily into Marmel's past connection to Hartman. Another real life person who gets parodied that I want to bring up is Michael Moore, which given the territory is something conservatives try to seize. You'd expect him to be portrayed as someone who is never seen without a piece of food in his hand or gob or just randomly ranting... Jay Sherman, his parody was actually fairly soft. Let me put it like this, Michael Moore in This Just In looks slimmer than say, his appearance in Family Guy, and Seth MacFarlane is very liberal.

Now, despite the stigma satire has, where so many people tend to punch down more than up, I will say certain people tend to act in certain ways where the jokes write themselves. Let's face it, John Kerry didn't do the best he could to sway voters in 2004. I could say Marmel managed to hit it just right where the key aspects of celebrities are covered and mocked and the show doesn't pivot to the extremes of its side...

Then there's episode four.

The fourth and final episode is where the show devolves into conservative comedy stereotypes all too common in shows like it nowadays, along with other general cliches. For instance, he just had to work in a dig at Star Wars fans just for liking the prequels (what else is there to take from questioning someone for letting George Lucas let people down)? But okay, this was a year before Revenge of the Sith, this was common across many shows… nah fuck it, if you see the original trilogy as anything more than a glorified technological showcase you’re either old, morbidly obese or a sociopath, sorry to be blunt, but if you aren’t any of these things you have no reason to respond, how can I touch a nerve if it wasn’t supposed to be anywhere near your’s?

I’m just saying, if someone was compelled to make a show where conservatives weren’t the idiots, we’re way past due for a series where original trilogy Star Wars fans aren’t in the right or are just the butt of the joke, it has literally never been done before anywhere (on television), and I’ve seen more of the same so many times that I’m going on this tangent. What is it about Star Wars(‘s first three movies) that turns people into idiots? Lest said about modern grifter culture and Star Wars’ part in it the better, the fact it just barely fits the context of a conservative catered comedy makes it all the more depressing, warnings were there from the very start.

Fuck where was I? Oh yeah conservative comedy cliches. You know how conservatives make fun of men who aren’t super-masculine. You know Moby? Well in this episode he’s your alphabet soup of liberal stereotypes conservatives like to portray them as, in this case, lacking in testosterone. Would’ve been cool if the beef noodle soup Brian gave to Moby just made him a more powerful liberal, would’ve been less funny but believeable if the testosterone reduced the size of Moby’s manhood. It was at that point things were seriously going wrong, that this show was becoming exactly what I feared it would be. To add onto the oncoming grit Bill O’Riley is in this and not to be mocked, and a bulk of the episode was dedicated to raising funds to provide weapons to the US Army, during the Iraq War, W’s biggest L in terms of how the whole thing began. I’m not gonna go all “Randy Marsh caused COVID” here, but something like this reinforces how far one leans politically. Going beyond just an exchange of views and jokes at everyone’s expense you make it clear who you’re trying to appeal to. Now that’s what I call a dishonorable discharge.

What was the point of any of that, is there an explanation? Well, I think I have one. On Moby I guess the whole testosterone thing was just to drive home the mission objective of Spike TV, the first network for men, showing what kind of men they look to cater to. Given the network's branding was built on motorycles, tits, asses, action and butts, also the fact that once again one of the co-creators was the president of the network it could've just been reassurance. Guess ultra-testies have feelings too, go figure.

As for Bill O'Riley, because of how obscure the show is there isn't a complete cast list. What I'm saying is that it is likely they sprung for the actual Bill O'Riley to make a cameo. It would explain the otherwise softball appearance. But to make things more ambiguous this episode along with the third do not include the closing credits. On one hand there's context behind these things happening and none of the writers had mal intent. On the other hand it never stopped the worser types from co-opting these ideas, thus it would be harder to view these with any ounce of good faith.

Beyond the more questionable stuff, the rest of the episode centers on the guys trying to watch Hellboy, er, the first live action movie from 2004, while Craig is forced to watch Mean Girls. At this rate you can guess the greater meaning behind this conflict. Funnily enough both movies are actually great, both contemporarily and retroactively, each scoring somewhere in the 80% range on Rotten Tomatoes, though Mean Girls’ 7.1 on IMDb beat out Hellboy’s 6.9. Either way this episode was not gonna hold up.

Animation

Now for a show of its nature it would cover current events. When it comes to portraying ongoing trends in a cartoon it's always a risk. It takes time to produce an animated whatever have you, to the point that by the time the episode is ready to air the trend had already passed. For politics and whatever's covered in the latest news cycle you had better strike while the iron is hot, and for better or worse, This Just In found a way. This Just In used flash animation, which was slowly becoming widely used in cartoons as a cheaper and quicker means of production. While not a bad thing inherently it's usually a sign someone wants something out without much effort.

I just find it funny that this show wasn't the only one to do something like this. Refer to Stephen Colbert's Our Cartoon President and Tooning Out the News, shows made with Adobe Character Animator for the sake of covering the Trump administration while details were relevant, as well as to work around quarantine restrictions. Didn’t mention Fairview because that show’s circumstances are different.

I couldn't find the name of the studio that produced this, this show has no production company credited other than the network it aired on so I'm gonna assume this was done entirely in house.

But here’s where things get odd. The show is said to be computer animated, I mean flash is a computer program, but the more I think about it the more complicated it gets. The show doesn’t have the same conventions of other flash shows like, say, John Callahan’s Quads, Hey Joel, post season one Home Movies, O’Grady or Good Vibes, where the movement is more bouncy for a lack of a better term, I will say it is similar to Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi’s animation without the anime conventions.

Having seen every episode, oddly enough I can draw comparisons to shows like Gary the Rat, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Adult Swim’s early originals like Sealab 2021, Aqua Teen Hunger Force Metalocalpyse, Archer, Unsupervised, once again, Stephen Colbert’s cartoons like Our Cartoon President, Tooning Out the News and Fairview and, can’t believe I’m saying this, Ctrl, Alt + Del, where movements are more limited. To make it simpler, it’s less like flash animation and more like 2D computer animation, where character animations look more strung along and limited. There is a firm distinction to be made, and it's clear that was what This Just In went with.

To reaffirm, the reason the show took this route was to get episodes out quickly while certain news cycles were still fresh, it’s more deliberate than anything so I can forgive it. It wasn't the first show to use that kind of animation, but given it's not the only show that used it for timely episodes I can at least say it was ahead of its time in that way.

Availability

As I said before, This Just In lasted for four episodes. For a long time the show was considered partially lost media. I wouldn't say nobody watched Spike TV, but I doubt that many tuned in when This Just In came on. For a long time only three episodes of the show surfaced, those getting uploaded to YouTube, but they're incomplete, two lacking the end credits and one missing a cold open. This has since changed with the first episode getting put on the Internet Archive, and in the event the channel that had the other episodes went belly up I put the other three on there too.

But here's where things get more interesting. On IMDb, for the cast listing it's implied that the show had six episodes, but they do not have official titles. There is virtually little info about them, but it is possible they had in fact aired. According to a comment on the Lost Media Wiki, the fifth episode would've seen George W. Bush appear, whether or not he'd be mocked or played straight is anyone's guess, and the crux of the episode centered on taxes. The person who brought it up said they had the episode on tape but struggled to convert it digitally, but sadly that was said in 2023 and no updates had occurred since, and it's unlikely anyone else has a copy. The sixth episode is a complete mystery, whether it was completed but never aired or did air but nobody cared enough to tape it.

Were these episodes stronger than the fourth? Would they have leaned more into conservative stereotypes? Could they've developed the characters even further? What would George W. Bush have been like, especially since parodies of him have been common especially back then, and his antics are comedic goldmine, and would they have clowned on Dick Cheney? Will we ever get to see these episodes?

Final Thoughts

This Just In is an interesting case. For worse it was ahead of its time as a conservative comedy, but for better, compared to its future contemporaries it is the best of the bunch. Maybe it was due to Marmel being a moderate that he avoided cliches associated with shows like it, for the most part, before they became widely used in shit like Mr. Birchum. It wasn’t the worst cartoon Spike TV aired, then again it isn’t hard to rise above APC, there was a lot of potential here, but the only thing holding it back was devolving to commonplace conservative cliches, whether the network was pushing for it or Marmel was that far down the Republican rabbit hole.

I can at least say Brian is more likable than Mr. Birchum, he isn’t treated like a god or some all knowing paragon of virtue, at most he’s just a conservative spin on Brian Griffin. It’s up to you to determine which one is less of a douche. But just to drive that point home, as a fan of adult cartoons Mr. Birchum pisses me off, it exists solely to validate the sods who subscribe to the Daily Wire, and I didn’t need to do so, unlike Saberspark.

With This Just In it’s a slower irritation, and in that time I can at least say I liked the characters and that the show wasn’t just a political soap box, and maybe more context can help justify certain parts of it (not for political happenings but everything else.)

Think it also helps that Marmel had changed his views since this series, if you were to compare this to the posts Marmel makes on BlueSky you’d never think both are connected. Therefore, it’s easier to come into a show like this knowing the creator never bottomed out or got worse… for now.

To sum it up, This Just In is pioneer in animated conservative comedies for better or worse, but this is at least far from the worst of them, or never lasted long enough to get any worse.

If you wanna see the show for yourself, as well as any remaining details, here're some links, enjoy.

• Spike TV website page: https://web.archive.org/web/20040412001326/http://www.spiketv.com/shows/series/index.jhtml?seriesID=12283&refID=thisjustin
• Episode 1, Chappaquidicide: https://archive.org/details/this-just-in-1.x
• Episode 2, Vagicentrics: https://archive.org/details/this-just-in-102-vagicentrics
• Episode 3, Labidocrites: https://archive.org/details/this-just-in-103-labidocrites
• Episode 4, Iraqathon: https://archive.org/details/this-just-in-104-iraqathon

Watching InAPPropriate Comedy

 I was debating whether or not to do a follow up to my review of The Underground Comedy Movie, especially since I alluded to the following a couple of times there. While I had to hope for a YouTube upload, InAPPropriate Comedy can currently be streamed on Tubi, but since movies tend to be pulled from rotation there for whatever reason, may as well play my hand before I lose the opportunity.

As for the film I already know a lot of the film's humor is both outdated yet of its time, I'm not gonna try and call too much attention to the bits, what's there is there, it happened, this is just a who's who of jokes that only bottom barrel comedians would ever consider funny, the kind of jokes that I wouldn't laugh at even if Ari Shaffer slipped acid into my drink.

For a Little Context

Last time I watched Vince Offer's The Underground Comedy Movie, dubbed one of the worst movies of all time and rightly so, and essentially gave live reactions along with a general review. It was a movie that was hard to find... for free. When it comes to bad movies I prefer to watch one if an option presented itself, that way I won't feel like I got ripped off and I could judge the experience based on the content alone. So someone finally posted it on YouTube and I figured I'd check it out while I had the chance. Now look I don't want to rule out edgy comedy entirely, I like Eight Crazy Nights more than I'm willing to admit, I like South Park for the most part, Mad TV is goated, but Underground was just painfully unfunny, and given it came out when edgy humor was at a reasonable high, if you fumble the bag so early you're fucked. But to some benefit at least Underground came out at the right time thus it could've conceivably been buried.

It had a 33% on Rotten Tomatoes, but that's only because it's one positive review out of a few other negative ones, it's adjustment based on the available data, just wanted to make that clear for no apparent reason. I held off on covering Offer's other film InAPPropriate Comedy, though that's only because I had caught a review of it previously... which I can't find right now, what I recall is that the title mentioned Adrien Brody. But as said before, I suddenly got the opportunity.

For a Little Background

InAPPropriate Comedy went into production around 2010, it was intended to be a remake of The Underground Comedy Movie and traces of it show in the skits that ultimately made it to the final product. Compared to Underground where the production was backed based on whatever funds Offer could drum up, this time he managed to get some extra producers and writers on board, and like the last film anyone that'd seem untraceable can be. Firstly Robert B. Shapiro, a businessman seemingly off his nut, but no, that was just a pseudonym for Bob Shapiro. I know Robert and Bob are interchangeable, but to include the B. something tells me he or Offer had an ax to grind. Whatever the case Bobert mainly worked as a production manager and accountant, mostly on films I never heard of. Only ones I can single out are After We Collided and After Ever Happy, films in a series based on book initially written on Wattpad, holy Fifty Shades Batman.

The writing is credited to Offer, Ari Shaffer when we get to him and Ken Pringle. This was the only movie Pringle wrote for, and you may think this killed his potential career, but it didn't. He gets around more as an actor in bit roles, more notably providing the voice of Hank Pym in Marvel's Long Story Short, basically abridged tellings of comic book stories. I haven't heard him there myself but something tells me he'd be a lot more enjoyable than Nolan North, IYKY.

For some company bullshit, the film was financed by Vince's marketing management company Square One, and it appears he rebranded his old BOP Productions, that's Best Offer Productions, to Satura Films. I only suggest this based on the cold open to Underground. I'm guessing S.O. Productions relates to Bobert Shapiro because Vince is already producing a film with two companies. The film was distributed by Freestyle Releasing, and that's significant because they were the kind of company that would release just about anything as long as people put up the funds to do so. Because of that we got such nuggets as Sarah Landon and the Paranormal Hour, Left Behind the Remake, that Anastasia movie nobody gives a shit about, the lowest grossing animated film of all time or of its time Delgo (even if the film itself is not even the worst I've seen), among others.

As for the reception let's just cut to the chase, it got a fat zero. It came out the same time as Movie 43 with some declaring InAPPropriate Comedy to be worse than it. It's ironic because Movie 43 was spearheaded by the Farrelly brothers who Offer tried suing over the similarities between one of his skits and There's Something About Mary. I got an hour and 23 minutes on this, five minutes less than Underground was credits included. Let's see how far I can go, as I tell you everything I see.

Let's Watch

After the Freestyle splash we get one for Square One Entertainment. Given Offer's only true success comes from marketing it's not a good idea to produce films under your marketing label, that's just a headache waiting to happen.

The film starts with a 127 Hours parody. I'd expect Vince to mock the events the film was based on, which after seeing so many edgy comedies assume the obvious. But instead it's just Vince walking past the Aron Ralster stand in and not offering any help. Maybe it's a statement on how people refuse to stop and help others? But if nothing else at least it's brief. It would then lead to a re-do of the opening of Underground Comedy movie, complete with the mice and stepping in a puddle of water, compared to it at least feeling spontaneous in Underground, it looked like Vince missed the puddle and had to double back just for the sake of familiarity.

Lindsay Lohan appears as a Marilyn Monroe stand in, and I gotta say, while neither Lindsay looks nothing like Marylin, I'll admit she does look like Gena Lee Nolin in Underground Comedy Movie. By the way since it has been pointed out and is impossible not to see, Lindsay is wearing an ankle monitor, this was when she was still on the decline, felt like pointing it out. At the very least attention is called to it in the film, and since it's an alcohol detecting bracelet I'm gonna assume Vince was sloshed during filming.

The schtick here is that Vince uses a tablet, one that has apps that act as segways to the film's sketches. It's also how he gets the opening joke from Underground going, I came close to missing it. But one thing I didn't miss in Underground was a closer view of the underskirt, which would segue into the opening, same as Underground complete with the exact same motorcycle Vince used in Underground, but replacing the opening logo with circa-2010 CG. The opening cuts between clips from Underground's intro and a tacky cast crawl, or wall of shame depending what you prefer here. I single out the clip variation because of one big continuity error, Vince's hair was long in Underground, and it's short in InAPPropriate Comedy. If you can afford actors for your production you can afford some burly guys with motorcycles and a ride through LA.

All else I have to say about the intro is that I swear Bobby Lee was in there somewhere, only because he was in Underground, they once again switched from motorcycles to bicycles, even if the transition was more seamless I question what they were going for, and the opening song is good, but for the sake of sparing the artist the shame of reference on this movie I won't tell you what.

So, intro over the tablet's screen is shown and we get an idea to what skits we're in for. Oh look an app with a Klansman mask I wonder if thats Ari Schaffer. Also wanna point out the NNN app, not just because it's an obvious CNN reference but because NNN was the name of a news channel that appeared in Ozzy and Drix (and possibly Osmosis Jones but I haven't seen that movie in years.) that being a show based on a movie by the Farrelly Brothers, aka those Vince tried suing. I mean their use of NNN came before Vince's, they'd have a case. Eh nevermind, just thought I'd bring it up.

The first skit on the chopping block is a remake of Flirty Harry, with Adrien Brody. Oh look, he's only visible from the waist up, I wonder what he could be wearing down below. If you guessed a dress... you'd be wrong. I know shocking. The most they went for was a pair of pink sweatpants. As someone who otherwise knows all the tricks with edgy humor, I'll admit he caught me off guard. But then we get to innuendo so obvious and constant, waiting 90 years to see a short film about a cognac feels less painful. One advantage this has over Underground is that, whether or not it's because established actors are in this, the performances are actually decent... for now.

And yes random guy, you're the only one who got an erection. Even if I had an insatiable libido I'd still say that. But it's over with. Up next is Jackass with African Americans, starting with an overlong intro and given the subject matter, assume Vince to do the worst. They're dumpster driving and wind up in a sewage plant, which is another way of saying an empty warehouse with a few vats. Then again for all the places I've been I was never inside of a sewage plant to know. I can tell you that the splashes resemble that of clear water, while the poo water is pure black, you know it ain't real. Based on the trailer, as well as Underground as a whole, I expect Vince to revisit these sketches as the movie goes on.

But in the meantime, Ari Schaffer, expect the worst, oh look the worst. While making humor about racism is already a double edged sword, the problem here is that any satire or wit is so paper thin that it takes less prevalence than the actual racism. He starts at the US border and goes on a tangent used by people to justify their, well, hatred of those on the other side. It's not funny, whether the irony is lost since many dolts take it at face value, especially in the Donald Trump era, or the whole thing for now is just a long lecture delivered plainly. The whole thing feels awkward, such as trying to showcase alleged border hoppers, or actors intended to sell the scene. Basically imagine every talking point used when talking shit about Mexicans, immigration and taking THER YABS, and that's the entire sketch, a little of each repeated.

The problem with Ari here is that it feels like he plays this persona much too straight. If you wanna sell a farce, sprinkle in some over the top beliefs intent on showing just how stupid the thing your making fun of is. Either that or let people question what you talk about. It's essentially like Andy Kauffman reading the Great Gatsby, but that's unconventional behavior vs what amounts to reading a collection of things that can be considered racist. Also doesn't help that the reactions are so basic that I'd beg for scripted responses just to bring some life into the performance. This is InAPPropriate Comedy, not Awkward at best Conversations.

This is only the third sketch, and it feels like it's dragging on for an eternity. Ari leads one guy to a very obvious decoy building, and as you'd expect, there's a cage behind it, and he takes him to the border patrol. I just wanna point out most people in the Ari sketches were real life people, those who were brought back to film additional scenes to essentially tie everything together. The cage bit feels a bit off the cuff at least. I'd say you can cut out most of the fluff and just have him at the gas station, demonstrate his racism and then he turns out to be a border patrol cop, commentating on how racist attitudes are toward immigration, that's a nice piece of satire right there.

I guess to be fair the border agents don't accept Ari's offering and proceed to restrain him. They just threw that in to act like the past few minutes didn't mean anything, can I call it gaslighting? I will say it's depressing seeing this compared to where we're at now. If Ari did this in real life this year he'd be appointed by Donald Trump himself as a border czar.

Also just wanna take the time to bring up one advantage Underground has over InAPPropriate Comedy. In underground scenes had interruptions, which helped to make them a bit easier to get through. But since Vince isn't watching TV and is instead looking at apps, the sketches would run uninterrupted, and that really shows how much most of these would drag. Not to mention if these are apps, going on continuing sketches, my suspension of disbelief can only go so low. Once more if it's on a TV I can accept these shows airing in real time.

The sketch ends, and it goes back to Blackass just as the guys do a joust with some of the fakest looking dildos I've ever seen. I can't help but bring that up because they take an eternity to get going. I didn't really pay attention to what they said, but I'd assume the worst, and ebonics. And it's over.

Right now I just wanna point out the number of sketches. At this point four played and that's including the opening sequence. There's about three left and we're getting to the next right about now. But just because the number is low that doesn't mean it won't take long to get there. I'm 17 minutes in, and believe me I'm gonna feel the next hour and six minutes slip away from me.

Next is another remake of an Underground sketch. The Porno Review, and this is where Rob Schneider comes in. Whereas Underground's take was some guys waxing... or maybe jizzing praise over porn, this time it's a man and his wife, with the aggregator behind them. Underground's version was more off-the-cuff, whereas this is scripted. On one hand this means things would be less awkward, on the oiher hand this means the writing quality would show more.

Anyway Sushi Mama, that was brought back from Underground too, complete with a white guy dubbing Asian action. You don't have to be offended to find this unfunny, its been done so many times and with very little variation, I'm more bored than offended. Somehow I managed to erase the original Sushi Mama from my mind so I can't really compare either version, well, of the porn at least, not so much the review.

In Underground the porn was played in its entirety, in InAPPropriate Comedy there're cuts to the viewers and additional commentary. The aggregator is more awake than the last one, but something tells me by the end I'll be less like Jonathan Spencer and more like Joe Shapiro... er, those who played the aggregator in both movies.

Back to the porno, in Underground they got right to the action, here it takes a little longer. Vince thought it would be cute to make a plug for ShamWow, during a sweatshop scene, I felt nothing. And seeing this commentary, you'd think it'd make things funny, but no, I like my bad movies to be uninterrupted, which means I don't like RiffTrax. Ooh edgy!

Ah shit I share the same opinion on this porn as Rob Schneider, but to be fair we hated it for different reasons. Seeing the introspective commentary on the movie, is this making fun of people looking deep into everything? Hope not, because that's dumb as hell. I mean I'm all for video essays and actually showing commitment to what you talk about, rather than some shallow brain rot, and I don't mean Chowder.

Blackass again, guy gets trampled by a rhino, I could swear it looks fake, not even nearing the 23 minute mark yet, Flirty Harry, more innuendo and hence more repetition. Right now I just wanna point something out. I called Underground Comedy Movie boring, but somehow it was more varied compared to this. Even the same scenarios had some differences, either that or it hasn't dawned on me as soon as this. Point is it took longer for me to grow tired of Underground than this movie, and for this, as I'm watching I only have one hour left.

I will say this, the sign for a strip club, bar, whatever, somehow looks more convincing than what went down in Verotika. Going into it I was in for a shock, one I should've seen coming. The next portion of Flirty Harry uses footage from the Underground Comedy Movie, it's the exact same scenes save for those with Adrien Brody. I mean for the most part it's seamless, and at least Vince cut it off before a scene that would require both actors on screen. I can expect more stuff like this, but at the very least in smaller doses based on the sketches reused.

Good news, I no longer have an hour left on this movie. Bad news, it's another Amazing Racist sketch, this time focusing on the stereotype Asians can't drive. Bro cites Wikipedia, 'Oh but, you see though, the joke is that this guy is basing his views on very minimum research'. I mean you could make that argument, but you can't make one against Ari just going through a list of random Asian driving jokes. Though I made it clear last time, Ari is honestly the most boring part of this movie, at least with Vince's other bits shit happens.

But even when it comes to "hidden camera" situations they can be done so much better. If you want an example, check out The Jamie Kennedy Experiment, at the very least it's more than just reactions. Everyone reacts differently, not everyone's gonna just fly off the handle at the smallest provocation. At most these sketches feel like it's poking fun at how unfunny racist humor is. Then again I consider North to be a commentary on racial stereotypes and how they aren't funny, but even North's a more interesting experience.

Getting deeper into it, I mentioned before that the people featured in this were on camera but brought back to build on certain scenes. I think I found a tell for it. The man in the first bit and the female Asian driver  both refer to Ari as a jew. I know it doesn't seem like much but it's no coincidence it happened twice. Just saying it's a bit obvious what was filmed first and what was filmed afterwards. I'm so numb to this I can't even appreciate Ari getting the snot slapped out of him.

One thing I noticed is how often Vince plays the same skits, that or things are incredibly unorganized. Between the varying length and tone of the sketches nothing is consistent. It's exhausting, least the random channel changes kept the momentum.

It’s so bad, it made me do something I didn’t do with Underground Comedy Movie… it actually made me want to stop watching. I dropped out at the 35 minute mark, meaning I had about 48 minutes left, not even close to over the hump. Not even the offensiveness was enough to keep my interest. That's the draw, if you set out to offend people chances are you won't be able to, especially in 2010 when everything had been done at least once. I guarantee if I ever come back to this movie I'm gonna drop off yet again.

So as you may figure, yes, I think this is much worse than The Underground Comedy Movie. Sure that movie had scenes that dragged out, but somehow the sketches felt more varied, even more earnest when helmed by a bunch of nobodies. Plus that film came out in 1999, back when offensive comedy was still at a reasonable high, so I can imagine somebody might've like it. Plus the film was made for dirt cheap, suddenly now I respect that more than a film with a bigger cast and higher production values.

In other words I found Epic Movie to be more enjoyable than this. Let that thought linger.

Watching The Underground Comedy Movie

 Way back when I used to frequent the bottom 100 on IMDb and Wikipedia's "Worst Films of All Time" article. When it comes to the worst movie of all time I've always been curious to how one such film could accomplish it, but since this was earlier on I couldn't find footage or reviews though that has since changed. I finally got to see what The Maize was like, I not only saw the 2010 Alice in Wonderland commercial but I did a deep dive of it, but there was one film I've always been curious about. The Underground Comedy Movie.

The film had been floating on Wikipedia's article for quite some time and I knew very little about it. Earliest I saw there wasn't even a picture of a poster, but one had since been put on it along with some additional details, or I had actually bothered to read it in full. For a long time I only had the article to go off of and some random clips that weren't even necessarily part of the movie. And now that I'm here, there's an opportunity for me to seize, but in due time.

Of all people to thank for this movie, remember ShamWow, more specifically the ShamWow guy Vince Offer? Yep. By day he's a salesman but by night he's an edgelord comedian, but why speculate when details show that he is indeed off his nut, and no I'm not going to like those nuts. I feel like Vince is on a mission to become as hated as possible, but let's forget about how comedians are just using comedy as an excuse to act a fool, the year is 1999, no true standard was set, let's get right into... some behind the scenes crap.

History

At the very least Vince was no stranger to the genre. In the past Vince was the host of a public access comedy show, one that would serve as the basis for the movie and whose skits would appear in it. And hell, given his presence as a salesman that's acting right there. I'm just saying, Vince is at least more qualified than directors who came into it from a wildly different field, saying that in a vacuum.

While the film was incredibly low profile it managed to get some relatively big names, including Michael Clarke Duncan, Slash, Gena Lee Nolan and Joey Buttafuoco, I mean big if you happened to watch David Letterman at the time. The details are a little much, but best I can sum up is that he got famous for getting with a minor, a minor that shot his wife. Look up the Long Island Lolita because that's a story I'm not gonna tell.

So you're probably wondering how Vince was able to book relatively known names. On one hand most of these actors are either known for their seedy or edgy pursuits, or their spotlight had faded and they're looking for work anywhere they can get. It's a big reason why you see big name voice actors in low quality projects, their paycheck is abysmal. But back to the other hand, Vince at the time was a scientologist and used that connection to try and book actors, but that's just a theory, I'm just basing it off of how the animator behind Rapsittie Street Kids got the cast he did due to being a scientologist that attended the same church as Nancy Cartwright.

Of course the most controversial thing about this film did not center on its content but rather legal issues. A funny one dealt with Vince attempting to sue the Farrelly brothers over them allegedly copying a scene Vince did in this movie for There's Something About Mary, it went absolutely nowhere and I guess Vince was just looking for as much quick cash as he can. I only say funny because the Farrellys would go on to direct a similar movie in 2013, Movie 43, another one of the worst movies of all time. It's all just a bunch of bologna.

Another suit dealt with Vince suing an actor, Anna Nicole Smith, that had agreed to appear but backed out seemingly at the last minute. I wouldn't say she had a fruitful career in the film industry, and I mean Duncan had roles since this one, also there's the matter of how many people even saw the movie but we'll get to that. Also, Smith had passed on in 2007. Rest in peace.

Among other actors that appeared in this include Bobby Lee, aka that guy from Mad TV aka that guy who groped another one on a podcast hosted by Logan Paul, can't believe that's all connected. The rest of the cast consists of those who would go on to play bit roles in various shows, most of which I'm unfamiliar with but good they're still getting work. As far as writing go while Vince was at the helm, he had received assistance from a man named Dante. I had assumed it was a pseudonym, but it turns out that's the stage name of a comedian. It's interesting how those credited here with a single name either had long careers or information is readily available.

I can't even call this a career killer, given that very few people even saw this movie. The Underground Comedy Movie netted a $500,000 budget, but it only made back $856. Doing a little math, and I do mean a little, movie tickets back then cost around five dollars, oh what a time, so dividing the gross against the ticket prices, it seems only a few hundred people went to see it.

But let's be fair, given the nature of this movie and that Vince had to do a bulk of the promoting and backing himself this movie was doomed to bomb. The movie was said to have premiered in only one theater, and trailers only played during overnight hours on Comedy Central and MTV. Adding onto that I can infer that the film got an NC-17 rating, no persons under 17 admitted, and that a wide release was out of the question. A rule of thumb when it comes to NC-17 movies, if it's a comedy, it's essentially porn.

So what distributor took the piss and released it? A company called Phaedra Cinema, one that specialized in independent film distribution. Another film they released was South of Heaven, West of Hell, a film spearheaded by country singer Dwight Yokham, interesting fact.

As far as reviews go, the movie received a 33% on Rotten Tomatoes. The only positive reviews or indications I could find come from Film Threat, to the point a snippet from their review turned up on the poster, which makes perfect sense given how much of a goon the owner is. Chris Gore is the kind of guy that laughs at dick jokes unironically.

Due to the nature of this movie, clips of it are hard to find. Home media releases were slim to none due to Vince's financial issues. However in recent years Vince himself was gracious enough to post a trailer for the film on his YouTube channel, giving people an idea on what the film was like, and I can sum it up like this.

The trailer gives away the full intent. There's no statement to be made, no deeper meaning, it's just there to offend people. Typically if someone declares something to offend, it's not going to and the actions are desperate at best. But maybe I'm exaggerating, I'm offended by it. The basic nature of the jokes so far is incredibly offensive, I came to be offended goddamnit.

But that's just going by the trailer. Since then the entire film had been put on YouTube, given that it's not on streaming and who in their right mind would enforce the copyright? Phaedra's out of business, the only other company with any information behind it is Square One Entertainment, which based on where the site had redirected (least for a time) is definitely a Vince venture, why else would it go on to be involved in the sequel I won't mention yet? Vince owned not one but two production companies involved with this, the other being BOP Productions, short for Best Offer Productions. Just felt like sharing that, breaking down the illusion more than one person wanted to put money into this.

So with that said, I know the movie's bad and that it's gonna nothing but dull edges. The question is how bad is it and will I manage to get through all 92 minutes of it? I'm gonna share the details as I see them, well, save for the more graphic ones, if you know you know. All I can be grateful for is that this was years before the first Trump era and thus I don't have to worry about, once more if you know you know.

Let's begin

Three seconds in and I'm presented with the first red flag. The movie stressing that it's a satire. Maybe back then I would've fallen for it, but at least these days people have used satire as a defense to say whatever dumb shit they wanted. They know its bad and they scramble for whatever they could use to get away with it. You could argue the satire applies to the film making fun of certain things or spinning on established properties, but that's shallow at best, and I doubt this film is trying to prove or expose anything, body parts don't count. I'm so confounded I can't tell if the narrator is Chinese or a guy trying to do racist humor.

The movie flashes a "Warning, guaranteed to offend" disclaimer afterwords. Guy, I came to this movie because I wanted to be offended not gaslit. Seems even they knew the warning's full of shit since they play audio of people leaving the theater. Just saying, not even South Park went this route, they let their offensiveness speak for itself and had enough faith in the audience to get offended. Only way I'm leaving the theater is if I get a refund.

Our first scene proper has a guy wandering into a rat infested cave. Ha get it, he's underground. I'm gonna assume it's Vince, he has that unmistakable face. There is a little stalling at first, but to some credit it was building up to something, a reference to a notable moment with Marylin Monroe, can you guess which one? Basically turning on a fan beneath a subway grate and you know, you know. But we're back to the negatives as Vince just jacks off, and I do mean just. He apparently liked this scene so much he would revisit it in the future, and I don't just mean in his off time, and I don't mean with the camera footage he takes there after. All I get from this is that Vince is more horny than Bob Forward; here's a hint, think about She-Hulk in 1996.

We then get our intro, a motorcycle ride set to Soul Doubt by NOFX, one of two highlighted musical performers throughout this movie. Nothing says punk like playing on a shitty movie helmed by a TV salesman, I mean I get punk is intent on rebelling against the common norms of society, at bit like how this film rebels against the common norms of comedy so... the inclusion makes too much sense. Anyhow it's here we get the cast crawl and girls paid to think Vince and his biker buddies are worth saying hi to. I'd be saying this no matter my views. Then comes Joey Buttafuco's credit, and I could swear I hear a mid to late-90s David Letterman coming.

Seeing Slash's credit, I'm beginning to think that as crazy as Axl Rose was he had standards. I'd say this movie was the straw that broke Guns n' Roses' back but that was years before.

Suddenly motorcycles become bicycles, I just gotta ask what the joke is here? I'd get it if we've seen them from the waste up and once we move down we see they weren't riding motorcycles, am I supposed to be offended by the sudden change of vehicles?

The framework behind this movie is that Vince watches television and finds a number of "offensive" programs to watch, intercut with random footage. I'm gonna assume the rocket taking off and the elephant's trunk is intended to be a dick joke. The first skit is the poster shot, er, what is in the poster occurs in the movie. I must admit it's quite offensive, the narrator claims I'll never see it, when it's right there plain as day. And what's there are celebrities taking a shit.

I would talk about how dumb toilet humor is, but Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle would take this concept and do it a hell of a lot better. A problem with jokes like these is that the writers expect people to laugh at the absurdity alone, much like how Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer expected people to laugh at point blank pop culture references. There has to be more to a joke than just what's on the surface, it's a big reason why toilet humor is dying, if it hasn't taken its last shit yet. Only decent thing is that Vince didn't have the girls spread eagle for him, at least not on camera.

For the next batch of commercials Vince has a case of butterfingers where he accidentally switches off the next sketch before returning to it again. Guess he couldn't find anything interesting about dinosaurs killing each other. They do a joke where it looks like one of the main characters in the sketch enters a bank, but it turns out it's a sperm bank. Honestly the most shocking thing they could've done was have him go into an actual money bank, something mundane to throw off those expecting edginess at every minute.

They do call attention to this though, he thought he was walking into a money bank... then they ruin it by having him settle for sperm, which I'm gonna assume he means from the woman, straight from the woman at the counter because that's the calibre of humor we're dealing with here. Alright what else we got, a guy who couldn't ejaculate but is turned on by this joker looking ass, though his schtick isn't comedy it's poetry. Only plus I can say for this is that things didn't escalate, because I would've seen it coming, heh get it, come. The people don't care, then it goes to a high speed foot chase, set to the first instance I hear Guttermouth, them and NOFX being credited by name at least as far as the Wikipedia entry.

And it just goes on and on, until the pursuing cop gets shot and dies in a 30% convincing way. Then the Rhymer finds some crooks getting patted down and he kills two out of three. And yes, one gets shot in the dick, bet you saw that coming. But just a reminder, we're dealing with a Joker parody, so you know what that means?

Batman, or in this case, the one who goes up to bat. I should be relieved that this is the most sensible choice Vince could make, but I'm just asking how is this guaranteed to offend anyone? If you really wanna piss people off, just portray Superman in any light other than his usual one, it'd be hilarious, or at least more hilarious than right now

Batman confronts a woman after the Rhymer threw a briefcase into her shopping cart, and she turns out to be a homophobe. She gets her ass handed to her, but given the rest of the skits after this Vince has plenty of opportunities to kill that level of good faith. But first, heh, wouldn't it be funny if Batman let the Rhymer get away and assumed the woman was the crook the entire time? No? Well no shit that's what happened.

The Rhymer would go on to cause mayhem, punching people he sees. As this is a reference to the Adam West Batman series you get to see those comic book blurbs appear every time someone gets it, well in theory as they only appear every other hit. But to be fair even the original series was inconsistent with that. Batman would be directed to the Rhymer, making sure to knock out people again while turning holding his bat outwards, because that's basic level comedy, comedy that transcends time and space because suddenly it's tomorrow.

Anyway, Rhymer gets that old woman in Batman's radar and he knocks her head clean off her body, clean as in there's no blood and it still remains alive, well, long enough to get mauled by dogs, and thus it's a to be continued, in theory.

Next we get a Baywatch parody, and I'm already expecting disappointment. Baywatch has plenty of material to parody, and I can already tell he's gonna fuck it up somehow. Guess he wanted to skip the 'boring part' so we get some extreme sport montages before returning to our regularly scheduled airquoted comedy, complete with a casualty, a young boy casualty. Think this'll be about incompetent lifeguards? Pssh, no, of course it's about tits. I'm not gonna act like Baywatch isn't guilty of scant cladding, but that's the most obvious route you can go in a parody.

The way this is edited I swear Vince is fighting against two personalities, one wants to switch away, hence going back to the extreme sports before getting back to Boob Watch. If you're looking for boobs, either the copy I'm watching edited them out or Vince wanted to give people blueballs, or maybe he's offending those who wanted something more sexual. Only offensive thing here is a man who looks like he's waiting for his cue to act like he's getting eaten by a shark. Looks like the David Hasselhoff stand-in is too busy looking at the girls to give a shit. Best I could guess is that it saying how lifeguards are incompetent and easily distracted, but that's just being overly generous. I just wanna reiterate that I wanna see where people are going when it comes to their movies, that way I could say I get it, I just don't like it. 

Before I move on, allow me to suggest another Baywatch parody, Son of the Beach, if you can find it, and I only bring it up because it was executive produced by Howard Stern of all people.

Next sketch, Virgin Hunter. It's building up to be a slasher, but the seconds are rendered painful by one's heavy breathing. Take some Allegra dude. Anyway, it doesn't turn out to be a horror movie, more of a horror show as a guy named Bill just prattles on trying to flirt, either farting or blowing raspberries as a naked guy begins wandering around. Only scary thing is Bill being from Anaheim, where evil was born, and by evil I mean Ronald Reagan.

For once I'm stumped, is the joke that this started as a horror parody, but soon after we're left in near constant suspense? Is it a commentary on how people from Orange County are backwards? Maybe that's offensive, only because I know Orange County knows better, because they did not vote for Donald Trump once.

My reward for not turning off the movie after that... that, is going back to Batman. Oh look Rhymer's visiting a young unassuming girl, where the fuck is that gonna go? But first, the laziest Shining reference I've ever seen, and I hate that movie. The old lady's alive and I'm not gonna question it, who do you think I am, circa 2010s FilmBrain? Also Batman's here and as befuddled as ever. A swordfight breaks out between him and the old lady, cane against a dildo. Can't believe I can make a connection to Ben and Arthur that also had a dildo in it, thank you Kyle Norty.

So as it would turn out, Batman was ignoring Rhymer for a reason. They're related. I haven't been this shocked at a sudden twist since I learned of a society that forbade people with black hair. Also apparently Rhymer got disfigured and kid him managed to take enough time for a dramatic reveal. Why did they play baseball indoors near a fireplace? What, and ruin the plot?

After Batman is challenged to strike a home run by Rhymer, he beefs it by knocking it into his mouth, and when distracted the old woman knocks him out, and that's the end of this vignette. I mean, there was a payoff, I got to understand why things happened this way. So far if I had to pick one segment that didn't drive me up a wall this one was okay.

Anyway, one top up sex scene and wacky Hitler cameo later, Michael Clarke Duncan as a gay virgin getting pressured by a sex pest. But at least in this case no means no as Michael manages to shut his ass up, and I don't mean with the eleventh finger. Sometimes you gotta savor moments that you think would go a certain way but don't.

Next stop is a parody of Randy Newman's I Love L.A., complete with some hints of transphobia, proof that Vince can't sing and beef with Baywatch and David Hasselhoff that could've led to a much better Baywatch parody if he gave a shit, that's as much as I'm gonna say on that. I don't like LA as much as the next guy but... you know what fuck it, goes to show how much hate lies in Vince's soul.

Karate, orgies, Long Island scum and a lame ass movie parody complete with more horribly out of date trans jokes. I'm offended by how bland and unfunny these jokes are, people just look at the surface more than anything and everything else is so void of substance that I can't help but over-fixate on these things. Who wants to hear a mockery of Marlon Brando's voice, for the millionth time?

At this rate I'm just waiting until something is worth bringing up, this movie is boring as hell, and when a movie is boring the worst aspects stick out like a sore thumb, like Vince wanting to replace meat in spaghetti with fetuses. It seems like the Godmother has some restraint, until she agrees to a fetal substitute. I'm gonna assume this is parodying scenes from the Godfather movies, because I have no idea what the hell is going on, but Vince thinks we do since he's just dragging this shit out. But I'm just gonna pretend this was set up for a joke where he changes the channel out of boredom.

One flash at the beach later we're back with Michael, I was wondering when any good faith I had the first time I saw him was gonna have its neck snapped. Luckily it doesn't culminate in the you know you know, but something tells me he's saving it, like Michael's saving himself.

Back to the Godmother and the conversation's still going. I mean in theory this can be funny, it didn't make me laugh but I can see how it can be considered humorous. But this would be ruined by the lack of a proper buildup. If the Godmother sat silent and just exploded due to how long this went on there'd be a payoff at least. Hell, the guy with the rifle either offing himself or them would at least be in line with this film's style. Hell shoot me, this movie is that fucking boring right now.

There's an offer he can't refuse reference, and Vince name-drops himself. Wonder what a Vince offer would be in this case, and if it's anything like the cure for insomnia I've been dealing with beforehand. I didn't mention it beforehand but the Godmother here is Jewish, because the next scene has a plate of ham in a Jewish man's bed, and that's it.

Godzilla reference, not that I wanna watch any Godzilla movie, I'd throw shade but once is enough. Then some freehand camera footage of a man touching himself, then our next segment. The Adventures of Dickman. Times like these I'm glad I don't always include pictures in these blogs. What do you get when you cross a man driving a truck full of toxic waste, an elephant and a meteor? You tell me. By this point Vince graduated to making fun of lesbians with a hint of a pro-life message, oh no, the only way to salvation is in the hands of a complete and utter creep.

To sum it up, this is essentially a pornographic Superman parody, but it's more like an 80-20 split. If nothing else this just reaffirms my asexuality. Nobody's turning me on here, boredom notwithstanding. It ends on a "we'll be right back" note, and at this rate I'm gonna stop bringing up the in-between stuff, unless of course there's anything worth bringing up.

Another thing I'll never see, oh wait nevermind there it is. Basically setting up a wholesome premise of a hot woman dating a poor man, but don't worry I'm sure he's gonna hit us with something painfully unfunny soon, and that pain comes after the segment.

Next up, Vince doing ebonics and dressing in a negative stereotypical black fashion. In general you know you're unfunny or out of date as hell if you even entertain the idea of it. On the segment, Vince shoots a Klansman, may the Klan burn in flames I just wish a better human being pulled that trigger in this scene. I don't know what's worse, this or when Sarah Silverman did legit blackface years ago, yes it was portrayed as wrong in that episode but still, better ways to go about confronting racism and discrimination, let's put it like that.

Anyway next we get footage of the OJ Simpson trial, keep it in mind. But first, Slash makes an appearance, hammered and all, guess he was having some serious regrets he needed to wash away. He's hosting a beauty pageant for unsightly women who otherwise represent another stab at LA. The rest is just nothing happening as everyone awkwardly tries to move things along, and anything that does happen feels like more of the same. I'm gonna take a nap, I'll let you know if anything interesting happens.

Okay, about an eternity later, next sketch is a therapy section, one I felt like singling out because it would be kept in mind by Vince, and I may be seeing it again given how haphazard the seconds are becoming, it just set in. Back to the Michael segment, or at least one area that was randomly cut to in the second, it turns out this is an entirely different one. Flirty Harry, and already there's a strong showing for homophobia and transphobia. I say this not in an "I'm offended" way but more like "This was a sign of the times and this is just predictable and boring."

But as Flirty Harry delivers the expected twist on that one Clint Eastwood line, we go back to the therapy one. Right now I wanna take a moment to point out that the guy playing the therapist here also appeared in the Godmother. Just wanted to share that. I can only assume he's just picturing the depraved tale the lady's telling him, for now.

Back to Flirty Harry, dead baby joke, gay jokes long buried, bullet up the ass, then it looks like that's over with. By the way, I'm nearing the hour mark, just a minute and 44 seconds left if credits are included. I made it this far, so I'd be a fool to just drop out now. And remember how I said the therapy section was just him picturing what the lady's telling him? That's it, that's the entire segment, until I eat my words for the hundredth time. American Dad did something similar to this ages ago, but they did it better, for one thing it's a hell of a lot shorter and more spontaneous.

Okay I wasn't gonna bring it up, but there's a recurring segment about the guy I said was feeling himself. Unless this is building to something I'm gonna assume Vince is using this as dirt on somebody.

Oh god another Virgin Hunter segment, more of the same so I'm just gonna focus on how I'm a little over an hour in now. A little over half an hour to go, and bar any returning segments only two remain. Next is The Porno Review. Guess. Sleazy guys reviewing sleazy material. Could've worked as an after hours show on the Playboy channel, preferably with anyone but Vince because with his sense of humor he'd make Hugh Hefner wretch.

So, reviewing porno, edgy comedy, and the first one on the chopping block features Asians, what do you think is gonna happen? This is where Bobby Lee comes in, and he's the kind of person with no shame so don't hold this over his head, he may go for round 2. And... it's a porn review alright, complete with a quality measurement. For now here's a funny little tidbit. One of the actors in this, Joe Shapiro, has a Wikipedia article that redirects to a tell-all book critical of the Trump administration.

Going into the next porno, that segment I singled out, turns out it was building to something, we were watching parts of the flick or just seeing the players occur throughout the clip breaks. If I had quit the movie sooner I would've never known that, nor would I have seen a mailman with the worst case of acne I've ever seen. Anyhow, this is a necrophilia-centered porn, and even when things show they're mundane by comparison to everything else. This gets messy, not because of any fluids flying around but because it looks like they threw in the trailer before the porno, the haphazard editing strikes again.

The film's runtime is 88 minutes, that's an hour and 28 minutes. The upload I'm watching is an hour and 32 minutes. My point is that the uploader did not have to cut any of the footage, I'm seeing it as it's supposed to be, and again it's a mess. I feel nothing, they're just dragging this out as if Vince wants an air of discomfort to hang over our heads, but it doesn't. All I get is seeing a scarab beetle crawl out of a corpse's mouth, and then it just sorta ends.

Most I can say is the banter's the most passable thing here, if only because Vince has seen more than a few pornos his life and has that one best friend who just parrots along. Next is a Swan Lake parody. Guys in tutus, Vince must've been on the floor laughing when he thought of that. Nothing else of worth bringing up aside from them beating off into a lake, gotta get that title relevance down. Don't worry it's fake, because there's no way in hell anyone can produce cum like that, they can't even cum to the action in this film. Anyway I'm calling bullshit on the rating they gave it, compared to the other ones this was the most boring, even worse that the guy got off to his own sister.

Alright, nearing the last segment listed on the movie's Wikipedia page. This one centers on a jury process, and amazingly they call back to that OJ Simpson clip. Joke here is six white jurors and six black jurors. The black jurors declare Simpson guilty, the white ones say not guilty and an argument breaks out, then the white jurors change their vote. Regardless of the context, evidence points to him as being the culprit. Of all the skits this is among one of the more restrained ones, and fortunately one of the quicker ones.

But with that said there's still fourteen minutes left. After cutting back to scenes from skits we've already scene, we get one more Michael scene and one more confrontation. Michael submits but fortunately it's not on darker terms. He just settles since the guy is half Puerto Rican and then like everything else it just sorta ends. Maybe if this was a post credit scene it would've been funny, I dunno.

Twelve minutes left, we get a fourth wall break where one guy pitches an idea for a conclusion, then he calls over his wife, a literal pig, over. Vince would try to figure out how to end this movie, settling on featuring someone famous toward it, then after the meet-up there's a montage of surfing, both literal surfing and Vince moto-surfing.

Getting closer to the finish Vince does a dedication to fans of the public access show that served as the basis for this movie, clips of it appearing throughout and the end footage being based on what appeared on said show by the way. Then it returns to the guy in the underground, the fan still on and shock of all shocks the Marylin stand-in got off to the wind, and... delivers. Vince tells a so-so pun, snatches a rat and leaves the cave, and that's it. It's finally over, except it isn't. Mid-credit scenes up the ass, and I have to deal with more of Bobby Lee, well, Bobby Lee as played by co-writer Dante. Best guess this is the most Dante contributed to the film overall.

But we end off with one last scene. An outtake where a coast guard scolds Vince and the actors for filming without a permit. Guess Vince wanted to put in every last piece of footage in this, waste not want not. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I liked the credit cookies in The Master of Disguise better, for one thing they weren't as repetitive. Cut out the Bobby Lee bullshit and leave that outtake though. There is an acknowledgement to the Farrelly brothers and Vince's failed lawsuit. Vince claims they had a promotional copy of his film, but unless the Farrellys lived in Vince's neck of the woods this lawsuit was never gonna get far.

And that's it, it's over.

Thoughts

To put it simply, I didn't feel turned on, I didn't feel like laughing, I just felt bored. So very bored. I've been curious about this movie for a very long time, reviews I've found never showed any footage (but I can't blame them), and if the opportunity came I'd check the movie out to see what gives. I have a high tolerance for bad movies, hell some movies deemed the worst I actually kinda enjoyed. But this movie, holy shit.

Any time I was offended I was being ironic. Sure I singled out moments that can be considered grossly out of date, but that's because I had to. I don't approve of anything here, at most I just found sketches that turned out to be not as bad as others and at least most of the random scenes were building up to something.

The big issue here is that the movie did not deliver on its guarantee to offend. Nothing here is offensive, at most edgelordy and cringe, and at the same time it's not offensively terrible but that just makes it worse. Anything that happened here I'm bound to have seen or at least heard about somewhere else, this is a by-the-numbers edgy 90s production that goes to show how drained the well is on this side of comedy.

First and foremost it's a comedy, and they fumbled hard. It's not just being unfunny, it's that random things are thrown about on the expectancy that the idea is funny in and of itself. It isn't. But if I had to throw a bone to Vince he at least didn't rely solely on pop culture references, there was a semblance of an original idea within these hokey parodies, more than I could say for the average Seltzerberg movie.

And to think all of this was based on a public access show few people even heard about. Maybe if it was an overnight show that aired on Comedy Central people would've give a shit. He had to pay out of pocket for the most part to get this made, get the actors involved and even get a screening deal of any kind, and yet I can't respect that grind because the end product is enough to turn people away. Maybe at best those who went to see it were young boys who snuck in to see it, gotta assume.

I've been alluding to this, but Vince would not just settle for one movie. After carrying on as a salesman he would eventually decide to produce a sequel to this movie, well sorta. It originally began as a remake of the original film, bringing back various segments from this film along with bigger dregs of society, InAPPropriate Comedy, a film that may potentially be worse than this one, showing that Vince's comedy had yet to evolve.

Funny detail on that film, it came out the same year as Movie 43, directed by the Farrellys, and in many respects it was considered worse than Movie 43. First they made something equally as reviled as The Underground Comedy Movie, but then Vince tops them in crap factor, real circle of life shit right there.

And yeah, this movie deserves the rep it got, as a mind numbingly boring experience that doesn't even accomplish what it set out to do. Not the worst movie I've seen but it's definitely up there.

LTA: Battle for Bikini Bottom Rehydrated

SpongeBob SquarePants Battle for Bikini Bottom is one of many underdog 3D platformers. When it comes to licensed games there is a low expectation to be met let's face it. The best licensed games, least at the time, showed that you could do a whole lot more with a license, BfBB felt like a legit platformer and its reputation could not be understated.

About the only negative thing I could say about it was that Mrs. Puff knew Patrick by name. Just wanted to put that out there.

Anyhow, to show how beloved BfBB became, it achieved what few other licensed titles could. A second life on modern (at the time) consoles. This came about after the game's publisher THQ was resurrected, sorta, as THQ Nordic, and they were looking to go through IPs under their control. Perhaps starting small or with something that already has an audience is the best way to go. While something like Super Mario 3D AllStars where it was essentially a glorified emulator for 3D Mario titles, or Sonic Adventure DX and Sonic Adventure 2 Battle where it was a port of the Dreamcast titles but with some additions or graphical face lifts, BfBB was gonna be something entirely different.

It was gonna be a remake. Now you'd think oh, this could be great. There was aspects that didn't make it to the final version of the original, maybe they can bring it to life. Well, just to get this out of the way it wasn't gonna happen. It was an entirely new developer working off of what was already completed. The game would be developed by THQ Nordic's Purple Lamp division, one of their earliest projects. Since then it appears that Purple Lamp has built up a solid resume, having also developed a remake of Epic Mickey which appears to have gained better reception than the original Wii game. Their work on this remake would lead them to work on the latest SpongeBob game The Cosmic Shake, which received mixed reviews, but who knows maybe it's good.

Now, why did I take so long to get to this game? I didn't own anything that could play it. I bought this on Steam then realized that my OS couldn't run it. I just got a Switch and this was among the short list I had in mind for games. I had been curious about this remake for a while, and if I were to ever get my hands on it I'd see if my impressions would be just.

Initial Impressions

When I first learned of the remake, I was just amazed that an old licensed game was getting this kind of treatment. Now look, I'm all for giving attention to games that deserve it. But in this situation, lest it's just an emulation of an old game, why not save the remakes for games that really deserve it? I.e., games that came out bad for whatever reason and would be given a chance to be good, show players how it was supposed to be. Revenge of the Flying Dutchman is the kind of game that really deserves a remake, especially given what the developers had gone through. Not even just SpongeBob, games like Crash Twinsanity or Sonic 06, where a good game is somewhere beneath the bugs. Lest fans wanna pull the weight like with Sonic P-06. Want something done you gotta do it yourself sometimes.

Right off the bat it looked as though Rehydrated - end of the full title and will be said as such for simplicity - was gonna primarily feature cosmetic changes, the big one being the character animations, but when we get there. For a time it looked as though Rehydrated was overshadowing the original game, and with such relevance and that version being at the forefront, it had better live up to the hype.

Whenever I got to play the game, I'd have as much of the original game in mind to see what has changed between either version

Playing the Game

Right off the bat, Rehydrated featured a number of cosmetic changes. They definitely adapted the original game faithfully, though there were certain changes. For example, the character animations. The original game featured more limited animation, especially showing when it came to talking to other characters. SpongeBob had two animations throughout them. In this game, they've added more animations in tune to what they say, for the most part. While it shows for most characters, others just cycle through their animations, Squidward being an example where he is perpetually unhappy, even in scenes where he'd be happy or laughing sarcastically.

Now I see the application, and whether or not it was necessary here, the writing in this game is great along with the line delivery. Either was strong enough to neglect the limited animation, this was early-2000s SpongeBob after all. Not to mention the limited animation lends better to some of the jokes in this, the quick cut to Patrick in the last convo you have with Squidward at Sand Mountain comes out of nowhere... I dunno, it feels like something was missing in Rehydrated's take. But on the inverse things felt more natural in the G-Love cutscene in Downtown Bikini Bottom, a build up to Gary destroying one of the robots.

But that aside, the model work in this is great, and if Purple Lamp were gonna be making more SpongeBob games after this it was fair to try and get a grasp on the models as soon as possible. I don't really have any standouts to name, but I haven't seen any particularly bad ones so, take that as you will. They did get a little cheeky with some idle and pedestrian animations. I've seen SpongeBob and Patrick pull the shocked face gag, I've seen one fish dab, remember when that was all over the internet? They also threw in some additional images, I've seen handsome Squidward for one. To be fair, the original also had a picture of Squidward's unsure face, but Purple Lamp's additions stick out like a sore thumb. Go to Squidward's Dream and look at the paintings in the background and you'll see what I mean.

Along with the characters they also redesigned the robots. In the original game the robots looked more, you know... robotic. You could make the argument that the robots for the most part looked out of place against the locales in SpongeBob, but that's kind of the point, SpongeBob taking out anomalies. The new designs blend in better with the game's universe, granted, and given how... cartoony for a lack of a better word SpongeBob became I guess it makes sense. The new designs aren't bad by any stretch, some are pretty negligible, only issues I could think of are minor nitpicks. For instance, Dick- I mean Slick's protective bubble is just that, a bubble, not an oil bubble. He still has the oil attack so that's why I bring it up.

The game plays the same as the original did, for the most part. Compared to the original the controls here feel a bit... best word I could use is literal. I feel like for the most part I had to space out my double jumps in areas I'd normally make with a rapid tap. It's especially noticeable on the sliding sections where you have to jump up to a high platform. Normally you're flung off and you can use the momentum and one jump to carry you to it, but what could be made in one or two tries had to be done multiple times because I either under or overshoot it, or suddenly my character halts because I didn't move the analog stick forward. Or I just haven't played either version in a long time.

Maybe it's down to the game's engine. The original game was built on the RenderWare engine, while this game was made with the Unreal Engine. Certain things would be tweaked based on what was at the disposal of said engine, and as a result the initial feeling of the game may change.

As mentioned before since this is more or less a ground up remake of the original Battle for Bikini Bottom you can put any hopes of new content to rest, at least in the main story mode. But that's not to say no changes were made. On the positive side, when it comes to enemies that shoot projectiles you can now see where said projectiles would land. This worked greatly in the Robo-Patrick boss fight where I was able to stay in one section of the arena and not get hit. In the very last level you are able to restart at the last fuse you break, compared to the original where you have to start from the very beginning.

Also in Rehydrated you have the ability to jump while in the Sponge Ball form. I can see scenarios where this would be useful, especially for jumps you can't make as easily as others.

As for some criticism...

In Mr. Krabs' dream, for some strange reason they put protective bubbles around the Duplicatotron 3000s. The level is merciless enough and given the oil projectiles flung at you you'd be lucky to even land a hit on the machine as is. This is the only level where it happened too, and it makes me wonder if either developer knew that this level would be a hell of an experience and nixed the content in Patrick's dream as a breather of sorts.

I noticed that the bubble barrier around Slick has a wider hit radius, meaning you cannot hit it up close without taking damage, least it happened to me. The Duplicatotron is also a bit more rapid-fire compared to how it was in the original, in that it takes less time for new robots to be spawned. This isn't always a problem, but especially in the last stage you'd feel like you have to rush to destroy the Duplicatotron before it spawns a robot that can either hurt you or knock you down.

The swing hooks are also a bit finnicky. In the original game all you had to do was latch onto it and let go by pressing the jump button. In this game you have to hold onto the B button and let go at the right time. It's more awkward compared to the original, and if you're used to said original's controls, and if you're soaring on the rooftops as this happens it's gonna be a very annoying experience. I had gotten used to this for better or worse, but mechanics you think you know from an older version not being replicated in the remake it has to be addressed.

The wall jumping is also fairly different, more rapid compared to the original version. I was able to clear walls sooner than I did before, but it also feels off. It was especially noticeable in the Graveyard of Ships, where your wall jumping skills are put to the test. As a kid I had to redo the jumps multiple times, but going through it in Rehydrated... I actually managed to get it on the first try. I think in the first you had to move forward as you hit the walls, but in this you're moved forward automatically you just have to jump to each wall to stay up.

Now, you remember the Ball Room? Sure you do. It was one of the harder levels in the game... and Rehydrated somehow made it more annoying. Piece by piece as the level was intended. The one piece of track you have to bubble bowl into place, while you can do it right away and it'll either stay as is or for long, in this game it'll go back to its old position in a few seconds, I had to learn that the hard way. Remember that GameSpot review of Rehydrated where the scrub couldn't push the button to lower the scoop? Either I pressed the button too soon, or you had to be super precise with your position to get it to work, especially if you let the ball get close and have no idea how long it'll stay down. The pressure pad track piece, bringing back the literal analogy, while you can get off the pad a little before the ball makes it to the other side of the gap, you have to let the ball make it all the way to the other side or it will fall. Finally the fan covering the launch button moves a lot faster. Despite all that, I was able to get past the pendulum mallet, the shifting board and the fan button the first time the ball got to either.

The slide levels, especially with the time trials on top of them are stressful, has been between either version. And by slide levels, I mean the kelp vines. Any criticism I have of the Kelp Vines can apply to the original and Rehydrated, very little space to move around, and with so many curves it's very easy to fall off. The turns combined with the momentum was so bad I wound up bailing on a leaf trampoline because I kept going off the edge. Ironically, had I just kept on the path, and hopped onto the next one above I could've got one of Patrick's socks and be done with the level in one fell swoop... provided I didn't fall and have to start from the beginning.

As a kid I struggled to hit the stone tiki switch that would raise the leaf trampoline and allow me to hit the button to open the gate to the Kelp Vines, until I learned that you didn't need to use the throw fruit to use the Patrick Teeter-Totter. And that's another criticism for both games, they mention you need the throw fruit to use the Teeter-Totter, but they don't outright tell you that anything you can throw would work... that is until you figure it out by accident or you get so frustrated you use a stone tiki as your plan B.

The cruise bubble is easily the most annoying weapon you can use in this game. In the original you were essentially moving a crosshair to your destination. But in this game the missile is shown, and somehow the controls feel heavier here. If you keep moving it in one direction it'll be hard to go back the other. The bubble bowl is also fairly unpredictable, getting caught in level geometry and sometimes just stopping at random, but this isn't frequent.

Then there's grinding. In the original game there was a cheat you can do to raise your shiny object count, if you wanted to meet Mr. Krabs' prices. In Rehydrated the cheat isn't there. And shiny object counts are hard to maintain, especially since you have to pay the tolls just to progress. I had died early on in Jellyfish Fields, and knowing of the grinding situation I would typically use that opportunity to fight and break respawned robots and tikis to make sure I had enough to get Golden Spatulas from Mr. Krabs every time I finished off an area.

But that's not enough to keep you ahead of the curve. Easily the most expensive area in this game is the movie theater, at a whopping 40,000 shiny objects. I knew it was gonna be a problem I had to deal with, especially since I was down to three last new areas, sure it wasn't required to beat the game 100%, but I leave no stone unturned in my games. To put it into perspective my journey to 40k shiny objects, every time I returned to Bikini Bottom I would destroy all of the tikis out in the open. Once I got every last golden spatula aside from the Chum Bucket Lab's, I had a little over 20k shiny objects, so I thought, why don't I resume destroying bikini Bottom's tikis? Knowing they reset, I would enter the buildings around and destroy the tikis across all three areas, rinsing and repeating across eight buildings... and it wasn't enough.

So then, I taxied to the start of the Sea Caves, destroyed the floating tikis and the Chomp Bot at the other side of the gap, went back to the sand castle and destroyed the tikis, Ham-Mer, Duplicatotron and Monsoons until I made it to 40k shiny objects. All of that... for a somewhat underwhelming concept art slideshow. Nothing against Rehydrated, I'd have the same complaints toward the original, as well as Pac-Man World 2 and Scooby Doo Night of 100 Frights. All that searching... for pictures.

And the Glitches...

I'm not gonna beat around the bush, depending on the version you got, Rehydrated had several glitches at launch, and even after some patches some had persisted to this day. Not like the original was totally polished, between certain things not being rendered fully, among other things you can get with enough prodding, but some were definitely noticeable in Rehydrated. I never got to experience the more notable ones first hand, but I did encounter some. One glitch I found happened when I used the cruse bubble, where I was unable to move beyond sneaking. Somehow I managed to undo it before I had to soft reset. Then there's a game breaking glitch that persists to this day.

In Sand Mountain, you know that one sock that you can only get if you destroy all eight sandmen on Flounder Hill? Compared to the original where you can only see the number of sandmen destroyed every time you hit one, Rehydrated gives you a counter. But in spite of that little effort, get this. If you fall or die going down the slope and you haven't destroyed all the sandmen, they will not reset, meaning you will not be able to get the sock for it, meaning you won't be able to beat the game one hundred percent, at least as the game intended you to play it. I heard that a similar soft lock occurs in the Krusty Krab if you leave the area before grabbing the sock in there, but back to Sand Mountain, I was lucky to have heard about the glitch before I started the game for the first time and against all odds... I managed to destroy all the sandmen without falling or dying and get the sock, so I was able to beat the game as intended.

Here's my evidence.

But if you weren't so lucky, if you could somehow trigger a glitch that would allow you to clip into the movie theater you'll find a sock inside.

Another thing I noticed was when I directly warped to the second part of the game's final boss fight. When I got there all the fuses were broken and the trampolines were up. I would assume that there was no other way out, and that the only way to get back to this level properly was to play the Chum Bucket Lab from the beginning. Using the logic put toward a glitch where if you pay the clam to activate the bungee in the Trench of Advanced Darkness, only to fall off while doing the bubble bowl the sock will not spawn, the cutscenes act as an interim for the phases of the Lab levels, and because they didn't play when I got to the second part, there you go.

As another odd thing, you know that after beating the game, during the credits you are put into the Sponge Ball Arena. Well, after beating it you get to access it through a stand in the middle of the road in the second part of the Bikini Bottom hub world. Well in this game it doesn't happen. The only way you can access the arena again is if you play the Chum Bucket Lab again. Needless to say I was not gonna leave the arena until I got every last shiny object there. Just because it's an extra that doesn't mean people don't want to play in it.

Final Thoughts

Rehydrated is far from a perfect remake, even as a game in a vacuum. But I have a thing for flawed games, makes me appreciate them even more. I didn't go into Rehydrated with high standards, if anything it was a good excuse for me to have a childhood game on a modern system. There was some whiplash based on what I knew from the original compared to how Rehydrated handled it, but in spite of that I was able to make it through. Any flaws I brought up are either minor or are things you can at least adjust to overtime.

It's definitely not as great as the original game, and it's not the nostalgia talking. The original felt more fluid, I liked the more restrained art and animation style which allowed the writing to really pop, and overall it had enough to stand alongside the likes of Super Mario Sunshine and Sonic Adventure DX/2 Battle. Maybe I'm more used to the original, maybe Rehydrated has a few too many hiccups to rise above the original, but that doesn't have to mean the game is bad. If you know what you're doing you can beat the game in about a few hours, so it's not even that big of a commitment to make if you wanna play through.

As with anything following an existing version, if you come into Battle for Bikini Bottom for the first time, I strongly suggest you play the original first so you know what it was supposed to be like, then play Rehydrated so you can see how it stacks up. If you play the remake first it may lead to certain unfair impressions of the original. Such is the way with remakes and what they're remakes of.

If you want a rating, I'd give it a 7.5 out of 10.