Terror Tract review

Merry Christmas everyone. I'm happy to say I've got what I wanted for Christmas, and that's a charger for my laptop so I could get back into reviewing. I was hoping to get to this film before the likes of Phelous and the Cinema Snob, mainly for bragging rights. After finally finding a copy online, mainly to see the ending, I have all the material I need, ladies and gentlemen, Terror Tract.

Background

Terror Tract is an independent movie released in 2000. It shares two directors, the first, Lance W. Dressen's latest work was in 2010 and he stuck with independent films up to then. The latest for Clint Hutchinson was an editing gig for a wrestling documentary in 2013. While the film doesn't have any notable directors, the same can't be said for its roster of actors. The film primarily contains actors who're rooted in television.

What star power does this film have in this case? They got Buff Bagwell, a wrestler who acts on the side. They got Coop from MegasXLR, They got Wade Williams, one of the principal actors on Prison Break, not doing it for you? Well, they got John Ritter of all people as the headliner, and they got Bryan Cranston too. I'm not kidding, and I have no idea how they got those actors, then again they were probably hungry for work at the time, this was well before Walter White Bryan Cranston. The film was produced with an estimated budget of one million dollars and was filmed within 36 days, and as of now, it has a respectable 6.0 on IMDb.

Per company information, the film was produced by Giant Leap Entertainment and distributed by Tomorrow Film Corporation. The former seems to be a one-off studio, but there's actually plenty more on the latter. Tomorrow Film Corporation served as the principal distributor, though you won't see their credit on most prints. Interestingly, their website is still up, though it hasn't been updated since 2005. Lo and behold, there's a page on the film, which has little else that'll be made known beyond alternative titles to the segments.

Here's the page if you're curious: https://www.tomorrowfilms.com/features/terror.htm

Now right off the bat, I'm a sucker for anthologies, I love Tales from the Darkside, I do like most of the 80s Twilight Zone and I love the cheesy dialogue associated with it. How well does this movie pull off scares, how hard can it make you laugh? Well it's also classified as a black comedy so I guess they got me there. At least it'll be better than XX.

Plot

The film wastes no time displaying how far it'll go. In the beginning we get some survival of the fittest shit where a worm gets eaten by a bird, then the bird gets eaten by a cat and then the cat is chased onto the road where it's ran over and eaten by a dog, but thanks to the car belonging to our protagonists, I guess I can't call this some forced inclusion.

The framework of the film involves John Ritter attempting to sell a house to a couple. But, he is confounded by his need to be upfront about everything. Luckily, that's where the anthology element comes into play. We're given tales related to the houses they visit and the people who previously lived there. Not much happens until the end here, so for now I'll focus on the stories.

Nightmare (yes that's what it's called)

Louis, a businessman, leaves to attend a business trip. Sarah, his whore of a wife awaits the arrival of her sparing partner Frank. After some laughable soft-core nudity, we discover that Louis has not only lied about leaving, but is a bit of a psycho. He intends to kill Frank and frame Sarah for it while hanging her. The two overpower him with scissors of all things and after a fairly decent fake-out, finish him off with a shotgun blast to the back.

The two decide to dump the body in the lake, and while that does sound cliche and a bullet dodge for calling the police, they actually give a good explanation, it seems too suspicious and black widows exist. From there, Sarah has a number of nightmares where her husband comes back from the dead, and it culminates in Frank dealing with another issue, the fact that he failed to get rid of a telltale car. While setting out, we get a decent jump-scare, only for it to be ruined by Louis seemingly coming back to life. I say ruined because in a later scene, Sarah seemingly has another nightmare and shoots through the door, only to kill Frank.

Think about it, Sarah is driven by paranoia over her husband returning, and said paranoia drives her to kill someone who had a hand in getting the events going. Also a nice jump-scare. Doesn't that sound a bit better? Anyway, the police return and find Sarah has hung herself and it's implied that Louis was behind it. Okay...? I would prefer if guilt got her in the end but to each their own.

Though I can't fault the scare factor of Louis here.

I'll give it this, some dialogue in the beginning actually foreshadows the end pretty well. 9/10, still an A in my book.

Bobo

I'm just going to admit this, this movie struck a nerve with me. I have a dog and I don't get along well with it. It barks at me every time I enter the room and gives me a burdensome impression. This sorta ties into that.

In the meantime, hooray for Bryan Cranston.

This is the part where Bryan Cranston comes in, and he gives that signature charm Hal gives on Malcolm in the Middle, toned down a bit of course. Anyway, Ron, Cranston's character's bitch of a daughter discovers a monkey in a tree and demands she keeps it as a pet. In spite of his reluctance, Ron takes it in, where it immediately causes trouble.

For one, his daughter takes a bizarre fondness over it, and it all goes batshit from here. The monkey begins killing people, from the dog to an animal control guy to Ron's wife, all in elaborate ways. Ron can take anymore of it and comes out guns a blazing to kill the bastard, but when the gun winds up in his daughter's hands, we get a cutaway and a gunshot.

I know I glazed through the plot pretty quickly, but that's because I have a lot of issues with this story.  For one, this movie defeats the initiative to make up your own conclusions. We could've left the end a mystery, did she shoot Ron? Did she shoot the monkey? Nope, she shot the dad and was confined to an insane asylum.

But I'm not done yet, this could've easily been a good tale about jealousy and how Ron went crazy, killing people and pinning the blame on the monkey which could either be harmless or not real. Maybe the monkey business could've been made up as a coping mechanism or an excuse to defend her father because in the beginning, the two are close to the point of it being incestuous.

What I'm saying is, there were so many missed opportunities to make something provocative from this story. Or maybe they should've put some Peter Gabriel in the mix.

Come to Granny

At this point for me, there's nowhere for this movie to go but up, and quite frankly, they actually saved the best for last.

Sean Goodwin is a psychic teenager who visits a therapist over visions of a serial killer donning a grandmother mask killing people. Nice to see this movie going back to the basics of cheap slashers. Personally, I like the concept of the Granny killer, could've made for a decent 80s flick. Has the simplicity of Michael Myers, mixed with the hilarity of Freddy Krueger.

Anyway, these visions have harmed Sean's social life. When he has them, to some it looks like he's having a fit. This led to him losing his girlfriend, and by extension his friends since they're friends with her. Sean reveals that he came to her because she was going to be killed next. The therapist appropriately believes that Sean must be the killer and flees to the elevator as Sean staggers to her.

But...

While calling for the elevator and after a cliche waiting in vein for the doors to open, it turns out that the Granny Killer is present and that Sean was in fact trying to save her. Take a wild guess where this leads.

I like this segment, it had decent acting, a nice buildup, a good creepy atmosphere and a nice twist at the end. It's much better than the previous segment by far.

Come to Granny

Conclusion

Horrified by the tales, the couple turns down all three. This is especially bad to John Ritter who fails to meet a deadline and may lose his wife and son. Ritter breaks down and stabs the husband to death, and here's where things get awesome.

The wife fleas and happens upon the neighborhood who's enveloped in chaos. We have a man running a lawnmower over his cat, Bobo returning in a jumpscare, the batshit insane Ritter continuing to try and sell a house, a stabbed body in an inflatable pool, someone's wife shooting her husband (unless it's a reverse "Nightmare"), a dead body in a garbage bin as an old woman nonchalantly waves, a guy getting run over (which could be the drunk driver the IMDb trivia section was alluding to) and an explosion.

It's perfect in that it sums up how batshit the movie is, and I love it for that. Not to mention the film captures the batshit insanity of California. This was shot in Santa Clarita, which itself is part of Los Angeles, the crazier part of Southern California fyi.

Overall

This movie won't impress everyone. The film has numerous weak links, but I'll admit, it kept my interest long enough and it encouraged me to make my own conclusions. John Ritter pulls off the horror schtick pretty well and it's a shame that he was three years away from his eventual death.

I guess in a way, this film is an acquired taste. If you have a taste for batshit insanity and actors going out of their comfort zone slightly, or if you just hate Hollywood movies like I do and would gladly take anything with the slightest hint of independence with open arms, this could be a handy time waster.

Sonic Impressions

Basically I have no hope for it.

I gave up on Sonic a while back, sure I'll occasionally favorite some fan art here and there, but there's little reason for me to get back into the fandom (and no, I won't play Sonic Mania.), but anyway, a Sonic the Hedgehog movie has been announced. I recall it being announced as far back as 2016 or so, and I thought it was scrapped, but that's obviously not the case anymore. It's official, and it'll hit the screens in late-2019. So far we haven't got much beyond the casting choices and the new design... Yeah, you know where this is heading. This is going to be a live-action movie, so what does that mean for Sonic's overall design? A Roger Rabbit-esque movie where cartoon CGI is mixed with live action? Or will this be some Detective Pikachu level shit?

To answer your question, Nintendo doesn't do what SEGod Damnit does.



That is a legitimate poster posed on Paramount Pictures' Twitter. Not much has been revealed on the complete design, but this alone makes me heave. Little about the real Sonic is present in this picture, and given the approach Paramount's going with this, that statement might become more and more true as more information surfaces. I mean just look at the design, an overly-long body and those legs, those damn legs. The reason why I'm harping on what seems to be a singular design change is that one, it's not about eye color and two, it's not about the fact that blue fur is on his arms. It's a change that's actually awkward and hurts the overall look of the character. We have a cartoony character who's remodeled to look more realistic. It just doesn't work, goddamn those legs.

Another poster exists, and trust me, it makes things worse.



I have no regret harping on the legs. The more you look at them, the more weird they seem. It looks like they also changed Sonic's shoes, a design that's not only simple to recreate, but one of Sonic's more identifiable design aspects. He ditched those for some generic off-brand red sneakers. People may harp on the excessive bandages Boom Sonic had, but at least he didn't have laces on his shoes (think of it like this, it's now very easy to trip while running at the speed of sound.). Also, minor nitpick, but it looks like he's not even wearing socks. Again, the socks are a noticeable design aspect. There's no way Sonic could be comfortable running without socks on.

Also, gotta love the "Sonic Wuz Here" comment. Yeah, Sonic used to be here, but now he has become... whatever the hell the movie will do to him. To top it all off, it'll be yet another movie set in California, because California and New York are the only states that exist in major movies these days.

Kiriena Banjin riff

We've all gone through phases we're too uncomfortable to admit to. We have posts, comments, whatever that we made years ago and never got around to remove that are awkward, best case. When we join the internet in our late-teens or so, we always start with our phase in tow, so chances are you've been setting up a serious paper trail that would come back to haunt you if you weren't careful. And hell, sometimes you don't fully grow out of your phases. I guess it's better to just admit you had/have (worst case) a phase you're uncomfortable with, I'll admit that even I can't help but give into temptation sometimes. Beats the hell out of denying it like a pansy ass bitch in the hope that the problem would fix itself.

I'm starting off with this because I'm going to talk about someone who I've rammed heads with in the past. SHFan (SH for She Hulk). I'll just say this outright, I have interacted with him and, whether or not this is okay depends on your point of view, I contributed dialogue to a three-part series of pictures he posted (in the spirit of the old She-Hulk comics) and I helped him on a two-part story he wrote, the second part mainly. If you find it, bear in mind that I didn't write it that way, and I actually have proof. Here's the draft I wrote. The one you see on his profile is what he wrote: https://sta.sh/02gb3oj7f1nb (I was around 19 or so, still a bit wet behind the ears).

I'm mainly going to focus on a recent comic he made, mainly because this one has enough obvious flaws to make for a funny analysis. No deliberate harm is meant, Do not go onto his profile and harass him, I will not condone that shit.

Pre-Gaming

Obviously this comic centers on She-Hulk, but actually, it's just a fan rendition. The core of a woman turning into a hulk is kept, but he uses his own characters, and that's as much as I could say about them for reasons you'll soon see when we get into the comic. For now, what quality art will we be in for?

Anime, who'da thunk?

The comic uses a predominantly anime style. I'm critical of this art style, and I have mostly described my distaste for it in past entries, but when it comes to still-art, I think now I could offer a much better critique. In general, anime art is generally used as a go-to for any kind of style. Typically, most independent artists lack the initiative to make use of more traditional design, whereas anime is generally easy to work with so long as you find the right bases.

Traditional art tends to have a rougher look, whereas anime art tends to have a more geometric look, as long as you put lines in the right place, color in the proper areas and remove the rough outlines you wouldn't notice that. Basically, anime tends to be a substitution for coming up with a unique style, it's a common art style that tends to look simpler than traditional art, depending on what you apply it toward.

I'm going to get tarred over this, aren't I?

Now onto the comic.

"Within Rochdalem UK, there is a small quiet library on Whitewash Road."

Points for not setting the story in some place overused like New York City or Los Angeles. For the record, Rochdalem isn't technically a real place, unless he meant Rochdale. Also, Whitewash Road will ironically make a bit of sense once we get further into the story.

"This place is only run by one Librarian and is also the owner of the building. Doreen Olsen."

I don't get the mechanics behind web comics, and I don't want to come off as a dick, but proofreading can go a very long way.

"As Doreen starts off her day, she is happily putting away her books, however in a few short moments, that happiness will soon change as she will discover a sleeping beast that will soon be waken. That beast that she will later name... Kiriena Banjin."

Okay, I know full well this guy is primarily dedicated to art surrounding She Hulk, so points for not trying to build this up as something super major. However, this still gave away far too much. You could easily foreshadow without revealing too much. For example.

"As Doreen starts off her day, she is happily putting her books away however, her bliss will soon be cut short."

See? Sorta better. And in case you want to know what Kiriena Banjin means, based on a rough translation, it means "Beautiful Barbarian". Makes sense given how much this guy loves She Hulk.

"We interrupt our daily programing to bring you some breaking news! St. Vincent High School is under attack. Reports say that this maybe the work of Donald Trump (whoops lmao), the Nano Outbreak that happened in Japan almost two years ago. There are no reports of deaths, but police say there is high damage to the school and some students and staff has been injured. We will ckeep our viewers posted as we will."

First, note the obvious grammatical errors and misspellings. Second, minor nitpick, but if this is set in the UK, it's spelled "programme". Third, about this nano outbreak, has this always been big news? Sounds like more exposition for the sake of exposition. Fourth, for a newscast, it's certainly carried out in a poor fashion. If I may."

"Breaking news. St. Vincent High School is currently being attacked by an unknown creature. It's unknown who or what this creature is, but it's possible it has a connection to the ongoing nano outbreak. No casualties have been identified, but damages and injuries are coming in and spreading."

A little better? Lastly, you're probably wondering why I bolded High School. We'll get to that soon.

"Doreen instantly is overwhelmed by shock as she knows only one person that goes to that school. He is a student named John and he is a regular in her library. She is also secretly in love with him, which that love will start a trigger of events that would soon follow."

Yes, you saw that. We have a full grown woman crushing on a high schooler, bear in mind that the lowest the age of consent has ever been was 18. I could be wrong when it comes to the age of consent and how it applies to other countries, but I'd go out on a limb and say that the UK's standards on age of consent aren't as low as Japan's. I primarily bring this up because her age is actually brought up in another panel.

I could make a pedophilia joke, but those are as overdone as autism jokes.

Minor nitpick, but it seems like she wasn't as angry as she should be, pre-trigger scene.

Keep the "younger" part in mind.

All that happens in the dialogue boxes is details on the transformation. I'd make myself redundant if I talk about them, so I'll just hone in on the greater details. Such as the fact that she literally becomes younger when she transforms.

She must really love John, so deep down she wishes she could be younger because you know, age gap. But somehow this makes a lot less sense than someone being able to turn into a green muscular creature through DNA alteration that enhances one's cells and spreads through the body, reworking it entirely.

Also apparently, she doesn't have nipples.

There's obviously no dialogue here. If I were to be generous, I'd say this would be a good time to work in some inner monologue, where we get to hear her thoughts as she's on the crossroads between her human form and her developing new form. But no, let's just empathize on the damage her clothes are going through. Aging her backwards works against this quite frankly, if she's not 18, you'd be entering some seriously dangerous territory.

Then the next panel happens...

In one of the most hackneyed concepts ever, she gets a new outfit literally out of nowhere. Those nanos seem to be capable of anything, whether they're a bullet dodge for what's essentially another She-Hulk inspired story, or just elaborate tailors. This just feels kinda forced, like he knew people would call him out on the other stuff, if they ever found it.

But if I were to be generous, I could say that this is supposed to be a node to the 1980s Incredible Hulk cartoon. Basically, whenever the Hulk changes back, his outfit changes back with him. Same with She-Hulk. Kinda weird, but I guess they couldn't get away with unexplained wardrobe swaps, it's chuckle worthy. What SHFan does is like a Tumblrized censor bar, there's no way to look at it through a humorous perspective, it's as serious as it looks.

Say this aloud. "I became a Midori Banjin myself!" Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?

Did someone ask for more exposition?

Basically the origin of the actual She-Hulk, set in japan because that's in style apparently. With an emphasis on Japan, you'd think Doreen would be Japanese as well, but no, she's a component of Whitewash-ing.

The above is also more exposition, for the sake of exposition. But, there're details I want to cover. Beyond the obvious (these blood cells mended with her own and now she has the same abilities) stuff, there's the fact that the donor happened to be an experienced medic. That sounds way too convenient, and the way it's just thrown out there makes it feel more useless than it already is.

Doreen makes due on her new abilities by watching the news, while others are getting attacked at that high school. Ordinarily, when you're aware of something and you're given the tools to do something about it you'd head over there, but no, not here. I guess Doreen doesn't love John that painfully.

Meanwhile, we get a look at John, he looks like a discount Speed Racer. Judith, up above hi, I immediately like better because even her face has more personality to it.

Now who're they up against?

What essentially amounts to Elliot Rodger if he lived in Scotland in 994 (points if you get the reference). Gotta love that name though, Nightmare Fuel would be a good name, had it not been put toward a creature marred by bland art design. Maybe this is just part of this guy's character, where he likes to build himself up as greater than what he already is, when it's obviously not true.

Gotta love how the girl dumps his ass because he's a monster. If she were a boy she'd probably be painted as a sex offender or she'd lose a TV deal.

But just before Mildly Unpleasant could potentially get some canned yams...

Here comes She-Hulk with a fancy name, complete with four boobs for some reason (yeah I know they're supposed to be hands and elbows, but get a load of that position, also that damn anime tropism.

We then conclude with the icing on borderline wish-fulfillment. Boobs. Since she's probably a little over twice his senior, to John I say... Run.

And that was Kiriena Banjin. I could conclude that this comic... is full of problems. To sum up.

• Bland art direction, namely due to something as easily exploitable as anime style.
• Minor edits that only barely mask the fact that this is a near-retelling of the origin of the real She-Hulk.
• The nanos feel like a contrived concept.
• Plus there's a 40 year old who loves a high-schooler.

I'll just say out right, I do like the concept of monsters in a school setting, but obviously this wasn't handled well. I have seen comics in the same vein, and they find their way either through objectively good artwork, good dialogue, a nice story or are just able to take the piss out of themselves.

This comic has a flat look, with bland colors and subpar perspectives, the dialogue is either exposition heavy or is dialogue for the sake of dialogue, the story, beyond the you know what, is just lackluster and seems to only exist to fulfill the title of your deviantART account. Plus there's the lack of self-aware humor.

I'm gonna confess, I did contribute dialogue to one of his works, but given that the dialogue he is capable of coming up with is... you know, I decided, fuck it, I wanted to see how better I would do. If you're daring to trace the comments to the picture they came from, this is the highest level of praise I got for contributing dialogue.

https://comments.deviantart.com/1/661299044/4321599585

I guess I channeled my inner John Byrne when I wrote the dialogue.

To sum up, I was into some weird shit when I was a teenager, and who knows when I'll ever leave it behind forever.

A Cosmic Christmas review

What better way to commemorate the start of the Christmas season than with a film that marked the start of a long journey for its studio.

Background

A Cosmic Christmas is one of the earliest offerings from the Canadian studio Nelvana Limited. While they first started with Small Star Cinema and Christmas Two Step, A Cosmic Christmas seems to have been the first film to make an impact. This marked the first of five holiday specials made by Nelvana (though personally, The Devil and Daniel Mouse is the better of the five)

The film doesn't hold a number of recognizable actors, unless you're from the area and/or the era, and, well, that's about it. Let's get into it.

Premise

Peter is a young boy who seems to be in the wrong place at the right time during the Christmas season. We have our typical bratty kids who expect plastic shit that they'll likely never touch again in a few months, whatever floats their boat. Peter has to deal with a quartet of bullies, Marvin the leader, fat boy, weasel-type boy and the girl. No they don't reveal the names of his goons.

Everything starts drearily, going as far as showing a man getting slighted for wanting donations to help the unfortunate. It all takes a turn when Peter supposedly sees a spaceship, and nobody believes him (then again the ship looks like a falling star, who would believe him at this point.) As this was a Christmas special from back in the day, and since Alberta was possibly still is a conservative Canadian area, where's the religious representation at?

Our plot device is a trio of aliens resembling the biblical magi, or if you want to be more specific, The Three Wise Men (the similarities are too clear to pass). The aliens are naive to the very concept of Christmas, even after Peter gives a straightforward summary (while going through the religious aspects), but it doesn't translate well to them. If it did, we wouldn't have a movie.

Peter attempts to show the three what Christmas is about through a tour of the town, but comes out empty due to people themselves not getting the true essence of Christmas. We also get foreshadowing to a brief conflict, where Marvin intends to steal Peter's goose Lucy. To eat. Think of the implications in between.

Peter has a bit more luck in getting his message out when he brings the three to his house. We get more insight to how materialized Christmas has become, the fake Christmas tree being the numero uno offender. It leads to a nice musical number as the aliens envision what Christmas was like in the old days, according to the grandmother (who's waiting for the opportunity to wish the others would know what it's like to grow old)

Our conflict comes in as Marvin steals Lucy, and I think i found the point when the creators put their hands up. It leads to a super long chase sequence, including moments where the townspeople investigate the aliens' ship. It comes to a head when Marvin, Peter and Lucy fall into the frozen lake. Some more stalling later and the people get the insight to form a human chain to save them, with the aliens refusing at first to avoid interference. But luckily they sack up, bite the bullet and help.

Marvin gets reprimanded in a move that I'd like to call too little too late. The townspeople were already wrapped around general greed and apathy, but the craziest thing is that the grandmother gave the worst rebuttal. She said Marvin was just hungry, which given the implications I tried to give would amount to him wanting to kill the bird if he got his way. But I could be overanalyzing this. Everyone comes to a peaceful understanding and have a Christmas party at Peter's house, where the aliens part, having learned the ups and downs of what Christmas really is about.

Animation

Since this was an independent venture produced at an early time and back when they had little assets, I won't be too harsh on the animation. There is some nice weight to the animation, the choppiness is enhanced by it, the character designs are stylish, I'd take that over looking just bland, and it's not as noticeable when animation is looped or reused. It's a fine effort, but it would be improved on overtime in ensuing specials, only to go back down when Nelvana went into the cold embrace of flash animation.

Overall

A simple review for a simple movie. I'd prefer this over Frosty the Snowman and Olive the Other Reindeer (kinda on the latter).

Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Kids review

There's a movie called...

There's a predecessor to a TV show called...

There's a successor to a book series called...

Remember that show about anthropomorphic bugs with CGI that wouldn't look out of place in a late-90s Mainframe Entertainment production? Well you could easily find the episodes on YouTube and the movie too so come back if you need a refresher. Now, you ready for the review?

History

Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Kids is a 2003 animated film based on a series of books by David Kirk, released from 1994 through to 2001. I haven't read the books, but I have seen some episodes of the show and I did catch the movie, well part of it, and most aspects of it escaped me as I got older. The film was produced by Nelvana, a name you should all know by now, though from then Nelvana rarely produced the animation for their productions themselves. This could be an early entry for AbsoluteDigital Pictures, who was behind the ensuing Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends. The animation for each is similar enough so it's a solid guess.

Given that this is a lesser animated project, who do you think distributed it? Metro Goldwyn Mayer. Yeah, they seem to have (or had, don't know) a pension for releasing lesser animated films. Crazy thing is, this random deviation's description sums up my thoughts on MGM's release rhetoric.

"MGM is one of Hollywood's greatest entertainment powerhouses. Vain but lion-hearted, she works hard to help out her acquaintances with movies, even if they're underrated or just sappy. By the way, MGM distributed "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie" and "Starchaser: The Legend of Orin", so she has a strange taste for kids' movies."This image is by IndigoBunny99

Anyway, as far as I could tell, people consider this film to be... okay. The worst review I've seen knocked the animation. Get back to me when you've seen Rapsittie Street Kids (Christmas is coming) and then tell me how shit the animation is for this movie. Something definitely went right when the movie came out though, for it led to a TV series a year later. People were interested, and that's all that was needed.

Since Treehouse has uploaded many of their old shows onto their YouTube channel, and since they're free to view (at least on my end), I revisited the film to see if it was as good as I remember, and ultimately find whatever I missed.

In spite of being a predominantly Canadian production (hence Nelvana's involvement), the film does have some American actors, well three, and that depends on your point of view on one of them. The film stars Brooke Shields and Rick Moranis, remember him? I recall how he wasted his final role on a sequel to the worst classic 2Disney movie ever, and it's not Home on the Range.

Tony Jay is in this too, and interestingly, in spite of the ensuing TV series using a Canadian cast, he actually reprised his role. I don't know why this is surprising to me because Nelvana shows tend to have some American actors here and there. Tales from the Cryptkeeper actually got John Kassir to reprise his role as the Cryptkeeper, they got Frankie Muniz for Moville Mysteries, they got David Arquette for Pelswick and if Wikipedia's anything to go by, they got Dwight Schultz (Murdoch from The A-Team) for My Dad the Rock Star. Lastly, while they couldn't get Brooke Shields to reprise her role as Miss Spider, they got Kristin Davis to do it, who's not only also based in America, but also appeared in Sex and the City, as in one of the main characters. Charlotte is who she plays. Not knocking her performance she actually does a good job here but that's just some interesting trivia.

Premise

After a subjectively odd title splash which has Miss Spiders' disembodied head on a web, we get a look around Sunny Patch, paradise for bugs and what seems to be an attempt at insectophobia therapy. A wedding is in progress between Miss Spider (Flora's her actual name but since she's known through either I doubt it'd matter what I call her) and Holly (who interesting fact, I thought was a woman for some reason.) Jealousy ensues for the laughably named Spiderus who wanted some of that thick... juicy... egg-sac (Spiderus eats eggs, no matter the creature that lays it, so that joke is actually just a subtle allegory with a hint of embellishment.)

One aspect of the film that irks me is that it's mostly just filler. It takes too long to get to the nitty-gritty of the plot and the filler scenes just reveal minor details. You could say I'm being too harsh on scenes that exist for foreshadowing, but look at it like this. There's a scene where a chicken (the bugs' prime enemy, thanks for not using a human because given where the movie's heading it would be kinda weird, and I hate to imagine how they'd depict humans with their animation) attacks the bugs, but it turns out that it's there for another purpose I won't reveal just yet. To get there, we had to go through an overlong party scene.

After Miss Spider and Holly tie the knot, the former is pregnant, pre-maternal stress ensues. Part of that comes from the fact that Miss Spider was abandoned at a young age and as a result she never learned the necessities of being a spider, like making the egg sac. She is adopted by Betty Beatle (take a guess what kind of bug she is) and the rest is history.

Nobody knows for sure what happened to Miss Spider's biological mother or what kind of mother she is. Maybe Miss Spider was an unwanted baby that came from a forced sexual encounter, but the mother was against getting an abortion (could you blame her) so just left Miss Spider in the hopes the problem would fix itself. Maybe she was eaten by a chicken, but then again that could've led to something far more interesting for the movie. Or maybe the mother moved to Canaima, California, met a Venezuelan spider and bred an army to kill the residents, only to be done in by an arachnophobic doctor and John Goodman, but probably John Goodman.

R.I.P.

But then again, Miss Spider claims to have stuck with Betty because she loved her the best. So did they find Miss Spider's mom and she was like fuck off or whatever? I dunno that's not important.

Soon enough, Miss Spider lays her eggs, one of which nearly winds up in Spiderus' obnoxiously evil gob. They hatch and we get to see the lazier aspect of the film's animation. Almost instantly the bugs are born with their clothes on. Wiggle has her hat, Squirt (nice name by the way, way to make him feel small when he gets older surely, if ever, who ages in animation?), has his hat too, and Spinner has his glasses, not to mention glasses right this moment.

The kids come across a giant egg (and refer back in the plot summary to get an idea on who laid it, you may be astounded by your lack of surprise.) and decorate it. Squirt, concerned that it's an egg without a mother to retrieve it, sets out to find it. All that really happens is a stretched rendition of traveling through dangerous areas, Miss Spider trying to find Squirt and Spiderus trying to find the egg, to eat.

From this point, not much happens beyond some encounters with new characters, with only three of them turning out to be important. Squirt comes across a trio of kid bandits, Dragon, a dragonfly who takes on the tough egotist persona (only other interesting aspect is that his actor (Mitchell Eisner)'s wikipedia page redirects to the page for Ed, Edd n' Eddy, and near as I could tell he never appeared in the show. Back to the other two there's Bounce, a bedbug who's portrayal is far off from that of an actual bedbug, he doesn't look like a bloodsucker to me, and finally there's Shimmer, who could do anything she wants evidentially, whether it involves being the more reasonable voice of the three or detecting warmth (okay the former's understandable, at least in fiction, and I would say water beetles could detect heat, but her character summary says it's one of the few abilities she has that others do not.) All this amounts to is more characters coming along for the ride.

As concerned parents do, Miss Spider sets out along with Holly to find Squirt. Spiderus comes along, but if my big bad comments weren't indicative enough, Spiderus isn't going to walk away without blood on his legs. Adding to this is an apparent snow storm, which occurs in either summer or spring. Luckily the characters are as confused over this as I am. This just amounts to Squirt and co. taking shelter in a stinkbug's home (which itself amounts to a significant clue for Miss Spider and her party.

When I first watched this, I got to the scene where Miss Spider and co. traverse across a weak natural bridge. I bring this up because I thought Spiderus died here, or at the very least was left to die, and hence I was surprised he made it to the TV series. But no that doesn't happen. Holly does go down to save him and they continue to the Stinkbug, where they learn that their ultimate destination is a farm. A farm with chickens (the bugs' prime enemy fyi). Spiderus is also relinquished of his jealous lover characterization after he discovers a beauty as physically impaired as him. You know what? I'm okay with that, this character also appears in the TV series.

All that happens next amounts to the kids evading the chicken, who's reunited with its egg. All ends happily, and how could it not given the nature of this movie?

To Sum Up

Any disappointment I have with the premise mostly stems from my own beliefs on how the film could've been better. With everything that either occurs or is mentioned, I thought it would be better to embellish the grim aspects. This amounts to the chicken being the one that killed Miss Spider's mom, or the kids accidentally killing the chicken and winding up having to adopt the soon to be hatched. I'm kinda fucked up if you can't tell by now.

The Animation

Let's get the elephant out of the room, the animation... hasn't aged that well let's just get that out of the way. I could forgive the animation more if I were talking about the series, but the movie and show have the same quality animation. Canadian CGI animation has always been hit-or-miss, with Mainframe Entertainment's shows being doomed to look dated and primitive, and Monster By Mistake being the most offensive of them all (be thankful you don't know what I'm referring to.)

There is a silver lining to this, the design is actually very close to the art style present in the book, and I guess the lesser animation led to more malleable designs, hence the non-jagged circular artifacts.

Overall

This review is lacking, but that's because there isn't that much to the special. Best I could say is that it gets the job done. Miss Spider isn't the kind of series that warrants major action every few seconds. It's just an easy-going series that teaches basic morals and inspires good feelings. It fits the atmosphere present in the books, it's faithful to the books, hell, the only complaint I've seen about the series and the movie so far is the animation, and to that I say, you made anime-styled shows famous.

I'd also like to point out one thing that bugs me. Miss Spider gave birth, and is still alive. Mother spiders usually die after giving birth, giving some of their life to the newborns. You may think that I'm applying pointless real world logic to this, but this happened in a little number called Charlotte's Web, I'm sure you've heard of that.

If you want to watch the movie for yourselves, here it is.