The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald review

Here's the thing, I fucking hate Virginia. It's full of backwards idiots, and the fact that it's still around just shows we're outnumbered by backwards idiots. It humiliates the south to no end, so the sooner Virginia gets abolished, the better off we'll all be.

What does this have to do with anything? I guess if that kind of remark fits a video about a Logan Paul movie, it'll fit a blog about a cartoon about a fast food joint. Also to hell with Quinton Reviews.

I've been debating which of these videos I wanted to review. I've seen two of them and I was considering reviewing both as part of a double header. However, beyond the plots, the structure of every episode is the same and I'd find myself repeating details. So, I pinned it down to the series itself, since each installment shares the same structure.

Background

The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald was a series of videos released by McDonalds between 1998 and 2003. While it'd be easy to write this off as a hilariously disastrous attempt at scoring brownie points with people who'd pay an arm and a leg to see a Morgan Spurlock production, apparently this turned out to be a success, so successful they had to renew their tape stock.

This was also successful retrospectively, well, successful enough to the point people don't shit on it endlessly. Since McDonalds is pretty lax when it comes to copyright, the videos found their way to YouTube and have been on there since they day they were put up. Thanks McDonalds.

Animation

It's impossible to talk about something like this without bringing up the studio behind it. Klasky Csupo produced the animation, and let's be honest, it's impossible to miss anything by them, they have that distinct of a style. As a result, they need no introduction, you're bound to have seen a show by them at some point in your lives. Given that they've helped build many of Nickelodeon viewers' childhoods, and since they've proven they could be in on a joke (Splaat anyone?), I have no beef with this company, well, beyond All Grown Up but that's just me.

As a result of them producing the animation, the characters have been altered to reflect this, and it's hard not to draw parallels to other existing characters. Birdie has Eliza Thornberry's hair, Hamburglar looks amazingly like Otto, all beyond that, everyone is certainly recognizable, and honestly it'd be kinda awkward if they tried to mimic the real life designs of these characters.

Onto the characters, aiding Ronald McDonald are his pet dog Sundae, exclusive to the show. He has a sarcastic wit and always seems to have something to say regarding a situation. That's how you know this is gonna be good. Along with him we have Birdie, Hamburglar and Grimace. We also have the Chicken McNuggets, characters that have appeared in advertisements geared toward their own product who seem to be around for comedic effect. There's also the Fry Kids, former regulars at McDonaldland until they were retired in 1996. I bring up the year because this was the latest they were brought back.

Mayor McCheese is said to have appeared in one of the episodes, and sad to say that in spite of the meme credibility it would've had, Mac Tonight isn't in this. Bummer.

Actors

Probably owed to their earlier works and their recognition, this does have plenty of recognizable voices. First up, Ronald McDonald was portrayed by Jack Doepke, the real Ronald's original actor from 1991 to 1999, only to be replaced by David Hussey after the third installment. Given that McDonald's is bankrolling the project, it would've been insane for Ronald to be repped by anyone but his prime actor.

That covers one of two of the live actors... Sundae has one as well and holy shit is it creepy.

But enough on the blatantly obvious. For the live action portions, he is portrayed by Verne Troyer, but his voice is given by Dee Bradley Baker. I found it interesting because Baker gave a portrayal I never heard him do before.

Birdie is portrayed by Christine Cavanaugh and... I'm not too keen on it. As blasphemous as it is to say, I was never that big of a Cavanaugh fan, the voice just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean rest in peace but we can't just ignore key aspects, besides the body has been cold for years. Regarding her voice, it just sounds... off. I mean it's accurate to the voice Birdie has in the commercials, so maybe they're right and I'm wrong. I just find it weird that she's not voiced by Russi Taylor, the one who voiced her in the commercials. It's doubtful she was too busy with the Simpsons if she could be the official voice of Minnie Mouse, but whatever, do with what you got I guess.

Charlie Adler provides the voice of Hamburglar in this. Interestingly, he voiced the character in the McDonalds commercials plenty of times, so in this case it's a match made in heaven. Compared to the Hamburglar from the era, this one is played straight, you don't hear him say robble, but the mischievous nature is intact, fair game. In this he resembles Otto from Rocket Power. I would say this predated Rocket Power, but for all I know the pilot predated this.

One other actor that stands out to me is Alex D. Linz, who has made appearances in numerous familiar materials. Did you know he starred in Home Alone... 3? Well at least he starred in Max Keeble's Big Move which is certainly a better role. He also voiced Arnold from Hey Arnold! for two episodes. Interestingly, his participation in these tapes is singled out on his Wikipedia article.

Also, given that Grimace is a dumb character, you'd think he'd have Bill Fagerbakke voicing him, and you'd be wrong. In this he's voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson. He gets the character down pretty well and I find him to be one of the more endearing characters. Well done Kev-O.

Structure

The series follows a very specific structure.

• Opening sequence
• Live action bit with Ronald and Sundae which segues into the main plot of the day.
• Ronald and Sundae traveling down a side and becoming animated, usually following with commentary on their means of travel.
• Meeting up with the other characters present for the day.
• A song, three typically appear.
• The plot in between each song.
• A final bit with Ronald and Sundae, non animated, which sums up the main plot of the day.

The opening sequence is a bit of a mixed bag. On the downside, the opening song is rather poor. Not because the person can't sing, but because she seems to be struggling to keep up with the tempo. Beyond that, there're some pretty good visuals, and I like how they show transitions between the real and animated versions of the McDonaldland characters. I'd give it an 80 out of 100, this is above expectations for a fast-food promotion.

The live action bits show Ronald or Sundae doing something, usually hinting at what they'd be doing for the day. In Sacred Silly, they're watching a scary movie and will experience a campout with scary implications. In Search for Grimace Island, Ronald's building a model ship in a bottle, and he uses that ship as their means of transport. In between, Ronald communicates with his friends via videophone, and they're repped through low-grade CGI. I would've suggested using the real versions of the characters, but it'd look too jarring. At least it's contained in very short bursts.

I don't know the mechanics behind the live action to animated transitions during the slide scene, but whatever, you should be happy you don't have to put up with Sundae's subpar design. This is played straight, with plenty of jokes and commentary. The McNuggets tend to serve as extra comedic relief, Hamburglar goes through some mischief, Birdie acts borderline snobby, Grimace actually gives some of the better lines, and Ronald is as good as he needs to be.

I forgot to mention, there're two kids who're exclusive to the show. There's Tika, the... girl. There's little I know about her other than that she likes to get stuff going on her end and that she's a terrible singer. I guess even the creators didn't care for her much because her appearances aren't as common. There's also Franklin Quizzical, son of a genius who has an eye for challenge, is helmed by a more competent kid actor and I dunno, he's harmless. They come the most often, as opposed to the rest of McDonaldland. I take it the first episode was an experiment to see if they could get away with putting in a lot of characters, and chances are it didn't go so well so they decided to use characters that seemed to be the most important or could pull off that week's comedic effect.

Speaking of songs, you'll run into these a lot. Typically, they have limited verses, are kinda catchy and not bad to the point you want to skip them when they come on. Strangely, I found myself unable to skip them, I never did it once. I guess the songs are like a McDonald's meal, you know it's bad, but it'll be over before you know it.

The episode ends with a live-action scene, summing up everything that happened along with the moral of the day. Or, they just do something comedic. Nothing more to say here other than it works for this kind of series.

The episode concludes with a stint from Ronald McDonald, it being a hope that kids would see him at McDonalds. Let's hope they don't find him in Adelaide.

This may seem repetitive, but that only applies to the overall structure. The premise isn't repetitive, and heck, they find ways to make them seem interesting. All they needed to do was throw in funny bits along with some moral and poof, we've got something to further expand our greasy empire.

Overall

When I first heard of this, I had no idea what to expect. I thought it would be a half-hour commercial, encouraging kids to pursue a calorie-ridden death. But no, they actually tried to breathe some life into it. It has some excellent prop work on the live-action front and a formula that works well. The animation is good by direct-to-video standards and the characters are well thought out.

If you're looking for some cringeworthy advertisements, you're in the wrong place. This is actually worth a purchase along with a small Diet Coke or vanilla ice cream cone.

This is Channeleven, and I hope to see you on Twitter.

Top 5 Bad Films I Hate

This would've been made on New Years Eve or New Years Day, but shit happened and I was pressed for ideas on what I wanted to put here, but better late than never I guess.

For those of you who're probably mixed on the title, I have low standards when it comes to general entertainment. I don't scream bloody murder over the newer episodes of The Simpsons and I could care less about anything by Michael Bay (unlike the idiots who continue to line his pockets by complaining about him constantly and ensuring he still makes a strong profit).

In a way this works to my advantage because that means I could give things a fairer shot than other reviewers, and I could avoid parroting other obnoxious reviewers who think it's funny to talk about Trump at the worst possible times. But don't get me wrong, there're movies where I can't help but to abandon that principle. These will consist of films I already reviewed or haven't reviewed, and for the latter it's unlikely I'll ever do a full review (some of them I saw through other reviewers, and they tend to give plot summaries while showing the movie, so I have an idea on the covered films' weakest points.)

But enough about me, let's get into this. The Top 5 Bad Films I hate.

Number 5

Lawnmower Man 2

Wanna know something funny? I kinda like Book of Shadows Blair Witch 2. Sure it's jarringly different than the first Blair Witch, but I did see the potential in it and maybe it was studio interference that killed what could've been an otherwise forgettable cash-in sequel. Why the hell am I bringing that up?

I hate Lawnmower Man 2 as a sequel to the first Lawnmower Man, and as a standalone sequel. In the first, I won't spoil key details, but as far as I could recall all loose ends were tied and there was little headroom for a sequel. Not doing anything? Well what about the fact that the main character's body was drained of its life as he fully entered virtual reality, but is suddenly intact enough for there to be surgery done on him and thus, he'd be free to roam again? This movie is so soulless you could feel the bird the distributor's giving to you.

A sequel was proposed in 1993 and was said to be released the following year, but that obviously didn't happen. Needless to say, this film was maligned by critics and failed to make its money back. When you take into account that New Line Cinema headlined the film, it'd make perfect sense why this film turned out the way it did. New Line's the same company that didn't help matters on the disastrous production on The Island of Doctor Moreau, and they gave the director of this film, Farhad Mann, some brownie points since they locked him out of the editing room to work on appealing to teenaged boys.

The irony is that Dr. Moreau and this came out in 1996. New Line had a terrible year it seems, but apparently it's still alive and kicking ass, and to be fair a lot of their newer product isn't that bad.

I should've talked more about the plot and other details, but I wanted to pay tribute to the producers of the film who gave as much of a shit about the first as I did summarizing it.

Basically, it's a shit sequel and you could smell their intentions.

Number 4

The Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue

Before I made this list, I took a vow to not aim for low-hanging fruit, no obvious targets. Is this that obvious? I hope not because quite frankly, this movie is that bad. It's as out of place as a Lawnmower Man sequel that ignores the original fate of Jobe Smith. While it's kinda close to the original film, it's marred by its asinine plot with poor execution, ignorance of some key aspects of the first film (when you negate Ms. Brisby it's obvious you're chasing the unholy dollar.), bland animation, little effort to the point of having musical numbers with tone-deaf singers, basically every checkpoint in a cheap production masquerading as a family film.

A lot like how the first Secret of NIMH is based on a book, this was likely based on a fan fiction that was retconned until it was made into something less salacious. For all I know, this could've been a prediction for Fifty Shades of Grey.

Number 3

School Gyrls

If you caught this film, if you remember the band this film centers on, heck if you remember both, you're as big of a masochist as I am. This film stands as proof that Nick Cannon is poisonous, reliant on following pop culture and proof that Master P. isn't the worst thing to happen to black entertainers since Spike Lee. Wanna know how out of touch this film is? I had no idea this movie was based around an actual band. Something tells me Cannon was hungry for a band comedy and just picked one out of the blue.

The entire movie is a mess. It's flooded with archetypal characters (complete with a glorified diva caricature) and it even affects the main characters (one's there, one's a snob who has mommy issues and the other is retarded. Okay she's a wigger but retarded is another word for it.) For some reason, there's animated portions mixed into it, as if Cannon believed that everyone suffered from Attention Deficit Disorder. Seriously, these animated portions come out of nowhere, as if they lost the filming location and had to fill the gaps, or  this was done in post because somehow the footage they had previously somehow became unusable, or better yet, this movie was rushed out for some reason. Also, cheesy dialogue, cringeworthy acting and Cannon channeling his inner Tyler Perry at one point.

There's also the fact that the movie dates itself considerably. We have references to Justin Bieber, okay he still occasionally makes music and I guess it's no longer cool to hate on him, and Soulja Boy. Had it not been for the fact that he became relevant again over marketing Chinese bootleg rom systems we'd be here all day. If this were made today, we'd have people begging each other to add them on Snapchat and complaining about Donald Trump.

Amazingly, I remembered key details of the film, but I had no idea how cheesy it would be. When I rediscovered the film, I tried to watch it again to see what I missed, but I was unable to finish it. Come to think of it, I didn't even want to return to it, that's how painful it was. Apparently there was a holiday sequel I never heard of, let me know if it's on YouTube, or Dailymotion or Vimeo or wherever, I don't pay money to watch stuff and I wouldn't do the same if I'd never watch it again.

Number 2

Phelous, you're so me when it comes to obscure shit.

Little Angels: The Brightest Christmas

One of the key reasons I like Phelous is because he gives people plenty of room to make their own interpretations on a film. Not to mention, like me, he goes for stuff few people have seen, and yes, I've seen his exposes on Goodtimes' catalog, with this being one of them, and my least favorite of the bunch.

If you want some details on Golden Films, the company behind this movie, I insist you go to Phelous, he shares my fixation on giving out behind the scenes information.

Anyway, this film's flaws are so apparent, yet at the same time they're so simple. I think a bullet-list is in order.

• Cheap animation that's weirdly sped up, though this could be done to hide potential choppiness.
• Poor lip-synching, where sentences end prematurely or, worst case, don't happen at all.
• A lame plot that's overly predictable.
• Poor utilization of the Little Angels, where they do little to help the main characters, but the main characters get the plot going more than the angels.
• It feels like a rehash of another Golden Films production, Miracle in Toyland. Both feature male leads who care only for themselves, have a female family member scold them over it and the boys cry like bitches when they can't take no more. Doesn't help that the boys from both films are voiced by Cam Clarke. 

A bit of trivia, people care so little for this movie that it's not even on YouTube, in full at least. Thank fuck. For a time, on its IMDb page (where it sits at a 1.1) it didn't even have the right image, instead having one for a live-action Little Mermaid production in spite of the actual movie's image being present on the page. Interestingly, this is the same case for School Gyrls, where while they have the poster I have on here, they just use a still shot from the movie, and it was never resolved.

Number 1

Garbage

Yes, another Phelous review. This one is special because nowadays I can't even go back to the review. This movie is just that batshit insane. As batshit insane as the existing production trivia. This was spearheaded by Roger Corman, New World, Concorde/New Horizons, force behind the unreleased early-90s Fantastic Four movie, B-Movie aficionado Roger Corman. It was done as an experiment to see how he could do with children's animation, while doing it as cheaply as possible.

As a result, to all of you people bitching about Flash and CGI, this is what would happen if you do a majority of your work by hand, with a minimal budget. At least you're acquainted with how bad the former two apparently are. This was started in 1994 and completed in 1999, with a release a year after.

It's not just the animation that sucks, the premise is worse. For one, the main character is bullied over what? Her wearing glasses, her introvert nature? No, the fact that she reads. I take it this movie takes place in Mississippi. They nuke the characterization of Scheherazade, a storyteller who told stories to her murderous husband, into a cheap ass villain. Plus they fuck up history just to make it more accurate to what is known today.

Normally I'd link you these movies, but I don't even want to think about it anymore. This is the one time you have to take my word on this. Fuck this movie.

Terror Tract review

Merry Christmas everyone. I'm happy to say I've got what I wanted for Christmas, and that's a charger for my laptop so I could get back into reviewing. I was hoping to get to this film before the likes of Phelous and the Cinema Snob, mainly for bragging rights. After finally finding a copy online, mainly to see the ending, I have all the material I need, ladies and gentlemen, Terror Tract.

Background

Terror Tract is an independent movie released in 2000. It shares two directors, the first, Lance W. Dressen's latest work was in 2010 and he stuck with independent films up to then. The latest for Clint Hutchinson was an editing gig for a wrestling documentary in 2013. While the film doesn't have any notable directors, the same can't be said for its roster of actors. The film primarily contains actors who're rooted in television.

What star power does this film have in this case? They got Buff Bagwell, a wrestler who acts on the side. They got Coop from MegasXLR, They got Wade Williams, one of the principal actors on Prison Break, not doing it for you? Well, they got John Ritter of all people as the headliner, and they got Bryan Cranston too. I'm not kidding, and I have no idea how they got those actors, then again they were probably hungry for work at the time, this was well before Walter White Bryan Cranston. The film was produced with an estimated budget of one million dollars and was filmed within 36 days, and as of now, it has a respectable 6.0 on IMDb.

Per company information, the film was produced by Giant Leap Entertainment and distributed by Tomorrow Film Corporation. The former seems to be a one-off studio, but there's actually plenty more on the latter. Tomorrow Film Corporation served as the principal distributor, though you won't see their credit on most prints. Interestingly, their website is still up, though it hasn't been updated since 2005. Lo and behold, there's a page on the film, which has little else that'll be made known beyond alternative titles to the segments.

Here's the page if you're curious: https://www.tomorrowfilms.com/features/terror.htm

Now right off the bat, I'm a sucker for anthologies, I love Tales from the Darkside, I do like most of the 80s Twilight Zone and I love the cheesy dialogue associated with it. How well does this movie pull off scares, how hard can it make you laugh? Well it's also classified as a black comedy so I guess they got me there. At least it'll be better than XX.

Plot

The film wastes no time displaying how far it'll go. In the beginning we get some survival of the fittest shit where a worm gets eaten by a bird, then the bird gets eaten by a cat and then the cat is chased onto the road where it's ran over and eaten by a dog, but thanks to the car belonging to our protagonists, I guess I can't call this some forced inclusion.

The framework of the film involves John Ritter attempting to sell a house to a couple. But, he is confounded by his need to be upfront about everything. Luckily, that's where the anthology element comes into play. We're given tales related to the houses they visit and the people who previously lived there. Not much happens until the end here, so for now I'll focus on the stories.

Nightmare (yes that's what it's called)

Louis, a businessman, leaves to attend a business trip. Sarah, his whore of a wife awaits the arrival of her sparing partner Frank. After some laughable soft-core nudity, we discover that Louis has not only lied about leaving, but is a bit of a psycho. He intends to kill Frank and frame Sarah for it while hanging her. The two overpower him with scissors of all things and after a fairly decent fake-out, finish him off with a shotgun blast to the back.

The two decide to dump the body in the lake, and while that does sound cliche and a bullet dodge for calling the police, they actually give a good explanation, it seems too suspicious and black widows exist. From there, Sarah has a number of nightmares where her husband comes back from the dead, and it culminates in Frank dealing with another issue, the fact that he failed to get rid of a telltale car. While setting out, we get a decent jump-scare, only for it to be ruined by Louis seemingly coming back to life. I say ruined because in a later scene, Sarah seemingly has another nightmare and shoots through the door, only to kill Frank.

Think about it, Sarah is driven by paranoia over her husband returning, and said paranoia drives her to kill someone who had a hand in getting the events going. Also a nice jump-scare. Doesn't that sound a bit better? Anyway, the police return and find Sarah has hung herself and it's implied that Louis was behind it. Okay...? I would prefer if guilt got her in the end but to each their own.

Though I can't fault the scare factor of Louis here.

I'll give it this, some dialogue in the beginning actually foreshadows the end pretty well. 9/10, still an A in my book.

Bobo

I'm just going to admit this, this movie struck a nerve with me. I have a dog and I don't get along well with it. It barks at me every time I enter the room and gives me a burdensome impression. This sorta ties into that.

In the meantime, hooray for Bryan Cranston.

This is the part where Bryan Cranston comes in, and he gives that signature charm Hal gives on Malcolm in the Middle, toned down a bit of course. Anyway, Ron, Cranston's character's bitch of a daughter discovers a monkey in a tree and demands she keeps it as a pet. In spite of his reluctance, Ron takes it in, where it immediately causes trouble.

For one, his daughter takes a bizarre fondness over it, and it all goes batshit from here. The monkey begins killing people, from the dog to an animal control guy to Ron's wife, all in elaborate ways. Ron can take anymore of it and comes out guns a blazing to kill the bastard, but when the gun winds up in his daughter's hands, we get a cutaway and a gunshot.

I know I glazed through the plot pretty quickly, but that's because I have a lot of issues with this story.  For one, this movie defeats the initiative to make up your own conclusions. We could've left the end a mystery, did she shoot Ron? Did she shoot the monkey? Nope, she shot the dad and was confined to an insane asylum.

But I'm not done yet, this could've easily been a good tale about jealousy and how Ron went crazy, killing people and pinning the blame on the monkey which could either be harmless or not real. Maybe the monkey business could've been made up as a coping mechanism or an excuse to defend her father because in the beginning, the two are close to the point of it being incestuous.

What I'm saying is, there were so many missed opportunities to make something provocative from this story. Or maybe they should've put some Peter Gabriel in the mix.

Come to Granny

At this point for me, there's nowhere for this movie to go but up, and quite frankly, they actually saved the best for last.

Sean Goodwin is a psychic teenager who visits a therapist over visions of a serial killer donning a grandmother mask killing people. Nice to see this movie going back to the basics of cheap slashers. Personally, I like the concept of the Granny killer, could've made for a decent 80s flick. Has the simplicity of Michael Myers, mixed with the hilarity of Freddy Krueger.

Anyway, these visions have harmed Sean's social life. When he has them, to some it looks like he's having a fit. This led to him losing his girlfriend, and by extension his friends since they're friends with her. Sean reveals that he came to her because she was going to be killed next. The therapist appropriately believes that Sean must be the killer and flees to the elevator as Sean staggers to her.

But...

While calling for the elevator and after a cliche waiting in vein for the doors to open, it turns out that the Granny Killer is present and that Sean was in fact trying to save her. Take a wild guess where this leads.

I like this segment, it had decent acting, a nice buildup, a good creepy atmosphere and a nice twist at the end. It's much better than the previous segment by far.

Come to Granny

Conclusion

Horrified by the tales, the couple turns down all three. This is especially bad to John Ritter who fails to meet a deadline and may lose his wife and son. Ritter breaks down and stabs the husband to death, and here's where things get awesome.

The wife fleas and happens upon the neighborhood who's enveloped in chaos. We have a man running a lawnmower over his cat, Bobo returning in a jumpscare, the batshit insane Ritter continuing to try and sell a house, a stabbed body in an inflatable pool, someone's wife shooting her husband (unless it's a reverse "Nightmare"), a dead body in a garbage bin as an old woman nonchalantly waves, a guy getting run over (which could be the drunk driver the IMDb trivia section was alluding to) and an explosion.

It's perfect in that it sums up how batshit the movie is, and I love it for that. Not to mention the film captures the batshit insanity of California. This was shot in Santa Clarita, which itself is part of Los Angeles, the crazier part of Southern California fyi.

Overall

This movie won't impress everyone. The film has numerous weak links, but I'll admit, it kept my interest long enough and it encouraged me to make my own conclusions. John Ritter pulls off the horror schtick pretty well and it's a shame that he was three years away from his eventual death.

I guess in a way, this film is an acquired taste. If you have a taste for batshit insanity and actors going out of their comfort zone slightly, or if you just hate Hollywood movies like I do and would gladly take anything with the slightest hint of independence with open arms, this could be a handy time waster.

Sonic Impressions

Basically I have no hope for it.

I gave up on Sonic a while back, sure I'll occasionally favorite some fan art here and there, but there's little reason for me to get back into the fandom (and no, I won't play Sonic Mania.), but anyway, a Sonic the Hedgehog movie has been announced. I recall it being announced as far back as 2016 or so, and I thought it was scrapped, but that's obviously not the case anymore. It's official, and it'll hit the screens in late-2019. So far we haven't got much beyond the casting choices and the new design... Yeah, you know where this is heading. This is going to be a live-action movie, so what does that mean for Sonic's overall design? A Roger Rabbit-esque movie where cartoon CGI is mixed with live action? Or will this be some Detective Pikachu level shit?

To answer your question, Nintendo doesn't do what SEGod Damnit does.



That is a legitimate poster posed on Paramount Pictures' Twitter. Not much has been revealed on the complete design, but this alone makes me heave. Little about the real Sonic is present in this picture, and given the approach Paramount's going with this, that statement might become more and more true as more information surfaces. I mean just look at the design, an overly-long body and those legs, those damn legs. The reason why I'm harping on what seems to be a singular design change is that one, it's not about eye color and two, it's not about the fact that blue fur is on his arms. It's a change that's actually awkward and hurts the overall look of the character. We have a cartoony character who's remodeled to look more realistic. It just doesn't work, goddamn those legs.

Another poster exists, and trust me, it makes things worse.



I have no regret harping on the legs. The more you look at them, the more weird they seem. It looks like they also changed Sonic's shoes, a design that's not only simple to recreate, but one of Sonic's more identifiable design aspects. He ditched those for some generic off-brand red sneakers. People may harp on the excessive bandages Boom Sonic had, but at least he didn't have laces on his shoes (think of it like this, it's now very easy to trip while running at the speed of sound.). Also, minor nitpick, but it looks like he's not even wearing socks. Again, the socks are a noticeable design aspect. There's no way Sonic could be comfortable running without socks on.

Also, gotta love the "Sonic Wuz Here" comment. Yeah, Sonic used to be here, but now he has become... whatever the hell the movie will do to him. To top it all off, it'll be yet another movie set in California, because California and New York are the only states that exist in major movies these days.

Kiriena Banjin riff

We've all gone through phases we're too uncomfortable to admit to. We have posts, comments, whatever that we made years ago and never got around to remove that are awkward, best case. When we join the internet in our late-teens or so, we always start with our phase in tow, so chances are you've been setting up a serious paper trail that would come back to haunt you if you weren't careful. And hell, sometimes you don't fully grow out of your phases. I guess it's better to just admit you had/have (worst case) a phase you're uncomfortable with, I'll admit that even I can't help but give into temptation sometimes. Beats the hell out of denying it like a pansy ass bitch in the hope that the problem would fix itself.

I'm starting off with this because I'm going to talk about someone who I've rammed heads with in the past. SHFan (SH for She Hulk). I'll just say this outright, I have interacted with him and, whether or not this is okay depends on your point of view, I contributed dialogue to a three-part series of pictures he posted (in the spirit of the old She-Hulk comics) and I helped him on a two-part story he wrote, the second part mainly. If you find it, bear in mind that I didn't write it that way, and I actually have proof. Here's the draft I wrote. The one you see on his profile is what he wrote: https://sta.sh/02gb3oj7f1nb (I was around 19 or so, still a bit wet behind the ears).

I'm mainly going to focus on a recent comic he made, mainly because this one has enough obvious flaws to make for a funny analysis. No deliberate harm is meant, Do not go onto his profile and harass him, I will not condone that shit.

Pre-Gaming

Obviously this comic centers on She-Hulk, but actually, it's just a fan rendition. The core of a woman turning into a hulk is kept, but he uses his own characters, and that's as much as I could say about them for reasons you'll soon see when we get into the comic. For now, what quality art will we be in for?

Anime, who'da thunk?

The comic uses a predominantly anime style. I'm critical of this art style, and I have mostly described my distaste for it in past entries, but when it comes to still-art, I think now I could offer a much better critique. In general, anime art is generally used as a go-to for any kind of style. Typically, most independent artists lack the initiative to make use of more traditional design, whereas anime is generally easy to work with so long as you find the right bases.

Traditional art tends to have a rougher look, whereas anime art tends to have a more geometric look, as long as you put lines in the right place, color in the proper areas and remove the rough outlines you wouldn't notice that. Basically, anime tends to be a substitution for coming up with a unique style, it's a common art style that tends to look simpler than traditional art, depending on what you apply it toward.

I'm going to get tarred over this, aren't I?

Now onto the comic.

"Within Rochdalem UK, there is a small quiet library on Whitewash Road."

Points for not setting the story in some place overused like New York City or Los Angeles. For the record, Rochdalem isn't technically a real place, unless he meant Rochdale. Also, Whitewash Road will ironically make a bit of sense once we get further into the story.

"This place is only run by one Librarian and is also the owner of the building. Doreen Olsen."

I don't get the mechanics behind web comics, and I don't want to come off as a dick, but proofreading can go a very long way.

"As Doreen starts off her day, she is happily putting away her books, however in a few short moments, that happiness will soon change as she will discover a sleeping beast that will soon be waken. That beast that she will later name... Kiriena Banjin."

Okay, I know full well this guy is primarily dedicated to art surrounding She Hulk, so points for not trying to build this up as something super major. However, this still gave away far too much. You could easily foreshadow without revealing too much. For example.

"As Doreen starts off her day, she is happily putting her books away however, her bliss will soon be cut short."

See? Sorta better. And in case you want to know what Kiriena Banjin means, based on a rough translation, it means "Beautiful Barbarian". Makes sense given how much this guy loves She Hulk.

"We interrupt our daily programing to bring you some breaking news! St. Vincent High School is under attack. Reports say that this maybe the work of Donald Trump (whoops lmao), the Nano Outbreak that happened in Japan almost two years ago. There are no reports of deaths, but police say there is high damage to the school and some students and staff has been injured. We will ckeep our viewers posted as we will."

First, note the obvious grammatical errors and misspellings. Second, minor nitpick, but if this is set in the UK, it's spelled "programme". Third, about this nano outbreak, has this always been big news? Sounds like more exposition for the sake of exposition. Fourth, for a newscast, it's certainly carried out in a poor fashion. If I may."

"Breaking news. St. Vincent High School is currently being attacked by an unknown creature. It's unknown who or what this creature is, but it's possible it has a connection to the ongoing nano outbreak. No casualties have been identified, but damages and injuries are coming in and spreading."

A little better? Lastly, you're probably wondering why I bolded High School. We'll get to that soon.

"Doreen instantly is overwhelmed by shock as she knows only one person that goes to that school. He is a student named John and he is a regular in her library. She is also secretly in love with him, which that love will start a trigger of events that would soon follow."

Yes, you saw that. We have a full grown woman crushing on a high schooler, bear in mind that the lowest the age of consent has ever been was 18. I could be wrong when it comes to the age of consent and how it applies to other countries, but I'd go out on a limb and say that the UK's standards on age of consent aren't as low as Japan's. I primarily bring this up because her age is actually brought up in another panel.

I could make a pedophilia joke, but those are as overdone as autism jokes.

Minor nitpick, but it seems like she wasn't as angry as she should be, pre-trigger scene.

Keep the "younger" part in mind.

All that happens in the dialogue boxes is details on the transformation. I'd make myself redundant if I talk about them, so I'll just hone in on the greater details. Such as the fact that she literally becomes younger when she transforms.

She must really love John, so deep down she wishes she could be younger because you know, age gap. But somehow this makes a lot less sense than someone being able to turn into a green muscular creature through DNA alteration that enhances one's cells and spreads through the body, reworking it entirely.

Also apparently, she doesn't have nipples.

There's obviously no dialogue here. If I were to be generous, I'd say this would be a good time to work in some inner monologue, where we get to hear her thoughts as she's on the crossroads between her human form and her developing new form. But no, let's just empathize on the damage her clothes are going through. Aging her backwards works against this quite frankly, if she's not 18, you'd be entering some seriously dangerous territory.

Then the next panel happens...

In one of the most hackneyed concepts ever, she gets a new outfit literally out of nowhere. Those nanos seem to be capable of anything, whether they're a bullet dodge for what's essentially another She-Hulk inspired story, or just elaborate tailors. This just feels kinda forced, like he knew people would call him out on the other stuff, if they ever found it.

But if I were to be generous, I could say that this is supposed to be a node to the 1980s Incredible Hulk cartoon. Basically, whenever the Hulk changes back, his outfit changes back with him. Same with She-Hulk. Kinda weird, but I guess they couldn't get away with unexplained wardrobe swaps, it's chuckle worthy. What SHFan does is like a Tumblrized censor bar, there's no way to look at it through a humorous perspective, it's as serious as it looks.

Say this aloud. "I became a Midori Banjin myself!" Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?

Did someone ask for more exposition?

Basically the origin of the actual She-Hulk, set in japan because that's in style apparently. With an emphasis on Japan, you'd think Doreen would be Japanese as well, but no, she's a component of Whitewash-ing.

The above is also more exposition, for the sake of exposition. But, there're details I want to cover. Beyond the obvious (these blood cells mended with her own and now she has the same abilities) stuff, there's the fact that the donor happened to be an experienced medic. That sounds way too convenient, and the way it's just thrown out there makes it feel more useless than it already is.

Doreen makes due on her new abilities by watching the news, while others are getting attacked at that high school. Ordinarily, when you're aware of something and you're given the tools to do something about it you'd head over there, but no, not here. I guess Doreen doesn't love John that painfully.

Meanwhile, we get a look at John, he looks like a discount Speed Racer. Judith, up above hi, I immediately like better because even her face has more personality to it.

Now who're they up against?

What essentially amounts to Elliot Rodger if he lived in Scotland in 994 (points if you get the reference). Gotta love that name though, Nightmare Fuel would be a good name, had it not been put toward a creature marred by bland art design. Maybe this is just part of this guy's character, where he likes to build himself up as greater than what he already is, when it's obviously not true.

Gotta love how the girl dumps his ass because he's a monster. If she were a boy she'd probably be painted as a sex offender or she'd lose a TV deal.

But just before Mildly Unpleasant could potentially get some canned yams...

Here comes She-Hulk with a fancy name, complete with four boobs for some reason (yeah I know they're supposed to be hands and elbows, but get a load of that position, also that damn anime tropism.

We then conclude with the icing on borderline wish-fulfillment. Boobs. Since she's probably a little over twice his senior, to John I say... Run.

And that was Kiriena Banjin. I could conclude that this comic... is full of problems. To sum up.

• Bland art direction, namely due to something as easily exploitable as anime style.
• Minor edits that only barely mask the fact that this is a near-retelling of the origin of the real She-Hulk.
• The nanos feel like a contrived concept.
• Plus there's a 40 year old who loves a high-schooler.

I'll just say out right, I do like the concept of monsters in a school setting, but obviously this wasn't handled well. I have seen comics in the same vein, and they find their way either through objectively good artwork, good dialogue, a nice story or are just able to take the piss out of themselves.

This comic has a flat look, with bland colors and subpar perspectives, the dialogue is either exposition heavy or is dialogue for the sake of dialogue, the story, beyond the you know what, is just lackluster and seems to only exist to fulfill the title of your deviantART account. Plus there's the lack of self-aware humor.

I'm gonna confess, I did contribute dialogue to one of his works, but given that the dialogue he is capable of coming up with is... you know, I decided, fuck it, I wanted to see how better I would do. If you're daring to trace the comments to the picture they came from, this is the highest level of praise I got for contributing dialogue.

https://comments.deviantart.com/1/661299044/4321599585

I guess I channeled my inner John Byrne when I wrote the dialogue.

To sum up, I was into some weird shit when I was a teenager, and who knows when I'll ever leave it behind forever.

A Cosmic Christmas review

What better way to commemorate the start of the Christmas season than with a film that marked the start of a long journey for its studio.

Background

A Cosmic Christmas is one of the earliest offerings from the Canadian studio Nelvana Limited. While they first started with Small Star Cinema and Christmas Two Step, A Cosmic Christmas seems to have been the first film to make an impact. This marked the first of five holiday specials made by Nelvana (though personally, The Devil and Daniel Mouse is the better of the five)

The film doesn't hold a number of recognizable actors, unless you're from the area and/or the era, and, well, that's about it. Let's get into it.

Premise

Peter is a young boy who seems to be in the wrong place at the right time during the Christmas season. We have our typical bratty kids who expect plastic shit that they'll likely never touch again in a few months, whatever floats their boat. Peter has to deal with a quartet of bullies, Marvin the leader, fat boy, weasel-type boy and the girl. No they don't reveal the names of his goons.

Everything starts drearily, going as far as showing a man getting slighted for wanting donations to help the unfortunate. It all takes a turn when Peter supposedly sees a spaceship, and nobody believes him (then again the ship looks like a falling star, who would believe him at this point.) As this was a Christmas special from back in the day, and since Alberta was possibly still is a conservative Canadian area, where's the religious representation at?

Our plot device is a trio of aliens resembling the biblical magi, or if you want to be more specific, The Three Wise Men (the similarities are too clear to pass). The aliens are naive to the very concept of Christmas, even after Peter gives a straightforward summary (while going through the religious aspects), but it doesn't translate well to them. If it did, we wouldn't have a movie.

Peter attempts to show the three what Christmas is about through a tour of the town, but comes out empty due to people themselves not getting the true essence of Christmas. We also get foreshadowing to a brief conflict, where Marvin intends to steal Peter's goose Lucy. To eat. Think of the implications in between.

Peter has a bit more luck in getting his message out when he brings the three to his house. We get more insight to how materialized Christmas has become, the fake Christmas tree being the numero uno offender. It leads to a nice musical number as the aliens envision what Christmas was like in the old days, according to the grandmother (who's waiting for the opportunity to wish the others would know what it's like to grow old)

Our conflict comes in as Marvin steals Lucy, and I think i found the point when the creators put their hands up. It leads to a super long chase sequence, including moments where the townspeople investigate the aliens' ship. It comes to a head when Marvin, Peter and Lucy fall into the frozen lake. Some more stalling later and the people get the insight to form a human chain to save them, with the aliens refusing at first to avoid interference. But luckily they sack up, bite the bullet and help.

Marvin gets reprimanded in a move that I'd like to call too little too late. The townspeople were already wrapped around general greed and apathy, but the craziest thing is that the grandmother gave the worst rebuttal. She said Marvin was just hungry, which given the implications I tried to give would amount to him wanting to kill the bird if he got his way. But I could be overanalyzing this. Everyone comes to a peaceful understanding and have a Christmas party at Peter's house, where the aliens part, having learned the ups and downs of what Christmas really is about.

Animation

Since this was an independent venture produced at an early time and back when they had little assets, I won't be too harsh on the animation. There is some nice weight to the animation, the choppiness is enhanced by it, the character designs are stylish, I'd take that over looking just bland, and it's not as noticeable when animation is looped or reused. It's a fine effort, but it would be improved on overtime in ensuing specials, only to go back down when Nelvana went into the cold embrace of flash animation.

Overall

A simple review for a simple movie. I'd prefer this over Frosty the Snowman and Olive the Other Reindeer (kinda on the latter).

Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Kids review

There's a movie called...

There's a predecessor to a TV show called...

There's a successor to a book series called...

Remember that show about anthropomorphic bugs with CGI that wouldn't look out of place in a late-90s Mainframe Entertainment production? Well you could easily find the episodes on YouTube and the movie too so come back if you need a refresher. Now, you ready for the review?

History

Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Kids is a 2003 animated film based on a series of books by David Kirk, released from 1994 through to 2001. I haven't read the books, but I have seen some episodes of the show and I did catch the movie, well part of it, and most aspects of it escaped me as I got older. The film was produced by Nelvana, a name you should all know by now, though from then Nelvana rarely produced the animation for their productions themselves. This could be an early entry for AbsoluteDigital Pictures, who was behind the ensuing Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends. The animation for each is similar enough so it's a solid guess.

Given that this is a lesser animated project, who do you think distributed it? Metro Goldwyn Mayer. Yeah, they seem to have (or had, don't know) a pension for releasing lesser animated films. Crazy thing is, this random deviation's description sums up my thoughts on MGM's release rhetoric.

"MGM is one of Hollywood's greatest entertainment powerhouses. Vain but lion-hearted, she works hard to help out her acquaintances with movies, even if they're underrated or just sappy. By the way, MGM distributed "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie" and "Starchaser: The Legend of Orin", so she has a strange taste for kids' movies."This image is by IndigoBunny99

Anyway, as far as I could tell, people consider this film to be... okay. The worst review I've seen knocked the animation. Get back to me when you've seen Rapsittie Street Kids (Christmas is coming) and then tell me how shit the animation is for this movie. Something definitely went right when the movie came out though, for it led to a TV series a year later. People were interested, and that's all that was needed.

Since Treehouse has uploaded many of their old shows onto their YouTube channel, and since they're free to view (at least on my end), I revisited the film to see if it was as good as I remember, and ultimately find whatever I missed.

In spite of being a predominantly Canadian production (hence Nelvana's involvement), the film does have some American actors, well three, and that depends on your point of view on one of them. The film stars Brooke Shields and Rick Moranis, remember him? I recall how he wasted his final role on a sequel to the worst classic 2Disney movie ever, and it's not Home on the Range.

Tony Jay is in this too, and interestingly, in spite of the ensuing TV series using a Canadian cast, he actually reprised his role. I don't know why this is surprising to me because Nelvana shows tend to have some American actors here and there. Tales from the Cryptkeeper actually got John Kassir to reprise his role as the Cryptkeeper, they got Frankie Muniz for Moville Mysteries, they got David Arquette for Pelswick and if Wikipedia's anything to go by, they got Dwight Schultz (Murdoch from The A-Team) for My Dad the Rock Star. Lastly, while they couldn't get Brooke Shields to reprise her role as Miss Spider, they got Kristin Davis to do it, who's not only also based in America, but also appeared in Sex and the City, as in one of the main characters. Charlotte is who she plays. Not knocking her performance she actually does a good job here but that's just some interesting trivia.

Premise

After a subjectively odd title splash which has Miss Spiders' disembodied head on a web, we get a look around Sunny Patch, paradise for bugs and what seems to be an attempt at insectophobia therapy. A wedding is in progress between Miss Spider (Flora's her actual name but since she's known through either I doubt it'd matter what I call her) and Holly (who interesting fact, I thought was a woman for some reason.) Jealousy ensues for the laughably named Spiderus who wanted some of that thick... juicy... egg-sac (Spiderus eats eggs, no matter the creature that lays it, so that joke is actually just a subtle allegory with a hint of embellishment.)

One aspect of the film that irks me is that it's mostly just filler. It takes too long to get to the nitty-gritty of the plot and the filler scenes just reveal minor details. You could say I'm being too harsh on scenes that exist for foreshadowing, but look at it like this. There's a scene where a chicken (the bugs' prime enemy, thanks for not using a human because given where the movie's heading it would be kinda weird, and I hate to imagine how they'd depict humans with their animation) attacks the bugs, but it turns out that it's there for another purpose I won't reveal just yet. To get there, we had to go through an overlong party scene.

After Miss Spider and Holly tie the knot, the former is pregnant, pre-maternal stress ensues. Part of that comes from the fact that Miss Spider was abandoned at a young age and as a result she never learned the necessities of being a spider, like making the egg sac. She is adopted by Betty Beatle (take a guess what kind of bug she is) and the rest is history.

Nobody knows for sure what happened to Miss Spider's biological mother or what kind of mother she is. Maybe Miss Spider was an unwanted baby that came from a forced sexual encounter, but the mother was against getting an abortion (could you blame her) so just left Miss Spider in the hopes the problem would fix itself. Maybe she was eaten by a chicken, but then again that could've led to something far more interesting for the movie. Or maybe the mother moved to Canaima, California, met a Venezuelan spider and bred an army to kill the residents, only to be done in by an arachnophobic doctor and John Goodman, but probably John Goodman.

R.I.P.

But then again, Miss Spider claims to have stuck with Betty because she loved her the best. So did they find Miss Spider's mom and she was like fuck off or whatever? I dunno that's not important.

Soon enough, Miss Spider lays her eggs, one of which nearly winds up in Spiderus' obnoxiously evil gob. They hatch and we get to see the lazier aspect of the film's animation. Almost instantly the bugs are born with their clothes on. Wiggle has her hat, Squirt (nice name by the way, way to make him feel small when he gets older surely, if ever, who ages in animation?), has his hat too, and Spinner has his glasses, not to mention glasses right this moment.

The kids come across a giant egg (and refer back in the plot summary to get an idea on who laid it, you may be astounded by your lack of surprise.) and decorate it. Squirt, concerned that it's an egg without a mother to retrieve it, sets out to find it. All that really happens is a stretched rendition of traveling through dangerous areas, Miss Spider trying to find Squirt and Spiderus trying to find the egg, to eat.

From this point, not much happens beyond some encounters with new characters, with only three of them turning out to be important. Squirt comes across a trio of kid bandits, Dragon, a dragonfly who takes on the tough egotist persona (only other interesting aspect is that his actor (Mitchell Eisner)'s wikipedia page redirects to the page for Ed, Edd n' Eddy, and near as I could tell he never appeared in the show. Back to the other two there's Bounce, a bedbug who's portrayal is far off from that of an actual bedbug, he doesn't look like a bloodsucker to me, and finally there's Shimmer, who could do anything she wants evidentially, whether it involves being the more reasonable voice of the three or detecting warmth (okay the former's understandable, at least in fiction, and I would say water beetles could detect heat, but her character summary says it's one of the few abilities she has that others do not.) All this amounts to is more characters coming along for the ride.

As concerned parents do, Miss Spider sets out along with Holly to find Squirt. Spiderus comes along, but if my big bad comments weren't indicative enough, Spiderus isn't going to walk away without blood on his legs. Adding to this is an apparent snow storm, which occurs in either summer or spring. Luckily the characters are as confused over this as I am. This just amounts to Squirt and co. taking shelter in a stinkbug's home (which itself amounts to a significant clue for Miss Spider and her party.

When I first watched this, I got to the scene where Miss Spider and co. traverse across a weak natural bridge. I bring this up because I thought Spiderus died here, or at the very least was left to die, and hence I was surprised he made it to the TV series. But no that doesn't happen. Holly does go down to save him and they continue to the Stinkbug, where they learn that their ultimate destination is a farm. A farm with chickens (the bugs' prime enemy fyi). Spiderus is also relinquished of his jealous lover characterization after he discovers a beauty as physically impaired as him. You know what? I'm okay with that, this character also appears in the TV series.

All that happens next amounts to the kids evading the chicken, who's reunited with its egg. All ends happily, and how could it not given the nature of this movie?

To Sum Up

Any disappointment I have with the premise mostly stems from my own beliefs on how the film could've been better. With everything that either occurs or is mentioned, I thought it would be better to embellish the grim aspects. This amounts to the chicken being the one that killed Miss Spider's mom, or the kids accidentally killing the chicken and winding up having to adopt the soon to be hatched. I'm kinda fucked up if you can't tell by now.

The Animation

Let's get the elephant out of the room, the animation... hasn't aged that well let's just get that out of the way. I could forgive the animation more if I were talking about the series, but the movie and show have the same quality animation. Canadian CGI animation has always been hit-or-miss, with Mainframe Entertainment's shows being doomed to look dated and primitive, and Monster By Mistake being the most offensive of them all (be thankful you don't know what I'm referring to.)

There is a silver lining to this, the design is actually very close to the art style present in the book, and I guess the lesser animation led to more malleable designs, hence the non-jagged circular artifacts.

Overall

This review is lacking, but that's because there isn't that much to the special. Best I could say is that it gets the job done. Miss Spider isn't the kind of series that warrants major action every few seconds. It's just an easy-going series that teaches basic morals and inspires good feelings. It fits the atmosphere present in the books, it's faithful to the books, hell, the only complaint I've seen about the series and the movie so far is the animation, and to that I say, you made anime-styled shows famous.

I'd also like to point out one thing that bugs me. Miss Spider gave birth, and is still alive. Mother spiders usually die after giving birth, giving some of their life to the newborns. You may think that I'm applying pointless real world logic to this, but this happened in a little number called Charlotte's Web, I'm sure you've heard of that.

If you want to watch the movie for yourselves, here it is.