For those of you who're probably mixed on the title, I have low standards when it comes to general entertainment. I don't scream bloody murder over the newer episodes of The Simpsons and I could care less about anything by Michael Bay (unlike the idiots who continue to line his pockets by complaining about him constantly and ensuring he still makes a strong profit).
In a way this works to my advantage because that means I could give things a fairer shot than other reviewers, and I could avoid parroting other obnoxious reviewers who think it's funny to talk about Trump at the worst possible times. But don't get me wrong, there're movies where I can't help but to abandon that principle. These will consist of films I already reviewed or haven't reviewed, and for the latter it's unlikely I'll ever do a full review (some of them I saw through other reviewers, and they tend to give plot summaries while showing the movie, so I have an idea on the covered films' weakest points.)
But enough about me, let's get into this. The Top 5 Bad Films I hate.
Number 5
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| Lawnmower Man 2 |
Wanna know something funny? I kinda like Book of Shadows Blair Witch 2. Sure it's jarringly different than the first Blair Witch, but I did see the potential in it and maybe it was studio interference that killed what could've been an otherwise forgettable cash-in sequel. Why the hell am I bringing that up?
I hate Lawnmower Man 2 as a sequel to the first Lawnmower Man, and as a standalone sequel. In the first, I won't spoil key details, but as far as I could recall all loose ends were tied and there was little headroom for a sequel. Not doing anything? Well what about the fact that the main character's body was drained of its life as he fully entered virtual reality, but is suddenly intact enough for there to be surgery done on him and thus, he'd be free to roam again? This movie is so soulless you could feel the bird the distributor's giving to you.
A sequel was proposed in 1993 and was said to be released the following year, but that obviously didn't happen. Needless to say, this film was maligned by critics and failed to make its money back. When you take into account that New Line Cinema headlined the film, it'd make perfect sense why this film turned out the way it did. New Line's the same company that didn't help matters on the disastrous production on The Island of Doctor Moreau, and they gave the director of this film, Farhad Mann, some brownie points since they locked him out of the editing room to work on appealing to teenaged boys.
The irony is that Dr. Moreau and this came out in 1996. New Line had a terrible year it seems, but apparently it's still alive and kicking ass, and to be fair a lot of their newer product isn't that bad.
I should've talked more about the plot and other details, but I wanted to pay tribute to the producers of the film who gave as much of a shit about the first as I did summarizing it.
Basically, it's a shit sequel and you could smell their intentions.
Number 4
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| The Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue |
Before I made this list, I took a vow to not aim for low-hanging fruit, no obvious targets. Is this that obvious? I hope not because quite frankly, this movie is that bad. It's as out of place as a Lawnmower Man sequel that ignores the original fate of Jobe Smith. While it's kinda close to the original film, it's marred by its asinine plot with poor execution, ignorance of some key aspects of the first film (when you negate Ms. Brisby it's obvious you're chasing the unholy dollar.), bland animation, little effort to the point of having musical numbers with tone-deaf singers, basically every checkpoint in a cheap production masquerading as a family film.
A lot like how the first Secret of NIMH is based on a book, this was likely based on a fan fiction that was retconned until it was made into something less salacious. For all I know, this could've been a prediction for Fifty Shades of Grey.
Number 3
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| School Gyrls |
If you caught this film, if you remember the band this film centers on, heck if you remember both, you're as big of a masochist as I am. This film stands as proof that Nick Cannon is poisonous, reliant on following pop culture and proof that Master P. isn't the worst thing to happen to black entertainers since Spike Lee. Wanna know how out of touch this film is? I had no idea this movie was based around an actual band. Something tells me Cannon was hungry for a band comedy and just picked one out of the blue.
The entire movie is a mess. It's flooded with archetypal characters (complete with a glorified diva caricature) and it even affects the main characters (one's there, one's a snob who has mommy issues and the other is retarded. Okay she's a wigger but retarded is another word for it.) For some reason, there's animated portions mixed into it, as if Cannon believed that everyone suffered from Attention Deficit Disorder. Seriously, these animated portions come out of nowhere, as if they lost the filming location and had to fill the gaps, or this was done in post because somehow the footage they had previously somehow became unusable, or better yet, this movie was rushed out for some reason. Also, cheesy dialogue, cringeworthy acting and Cannon channeling his inner Tyler Perry at one point.
There's also the fact that the movie dates itself considerably. We have references to Justin Bieber, okay he still occasionally makes music and I guess it's no longer cool to hate on him, and Soulja Boy. Had it not been for the fact that he became relevant again over marketing Chinese bootleg rom systems we'd be here all day. If this were made today, we'd have people begging each other to add them on Snapchat and complaining about Donald Trump.
Amazingly, I remembered key details of the film, but I had no idea how cheesy it would be. When I rediscovered the film, I tried to watch it again to see what I missed, but I was unable to finish it. Come to think of it, I didn't even want to return to it, that's how painful it was. Apparently there was a holiday sequel I never heard of, let me know if it's on YouTube, or Dailymotion or Vimeo or wherever, I don't pay money to watch stuff and I wouldn't do the same if I'd never watch it again.
Number 2
Phelous, you're so me when it comes to obscure shit.
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| Little Angels: The Brightest Christmas |
One of the key reasons I like Phelous is because he gives people plenty of room to make their own interpretations on a film. Not to mention, like me, he goes for stuff few people have seen, and yes, I've seen his exposes on Goodtimes' catalog, with this being one of them, and my least favorite of the bunch.
If you want some details on Golden Films, the company behind this movie, I insist you go to Phelous, he shares my fixation on giving out behind the scenes information.
Anyway, this film's flaws are so apparent, yet at the same time they're so simple. I think a bullet-list is in order.
- Cheap animation that's weirdly sped up, though this could be done to hide potential choppiness.
- Poor lip-synching, where sentences end prematurely or, worst case, don't happen at all.
- A lame plot that's overly predictable.
- Poor utilization of the Little Angels, where they do little to help the main characters, but the main characters get the plot going more than the angels.
- It feels like a rehash of another Golden Films production, Miracle in Toyland. Both feature male leads who care only for themselves, have a female family member scold them over it and the boys cry like bitches when they can't take no more. Doesn't help that the boys from both films are voiced by Cam Clarke.
A bit of trivia, people care so little for this movie that it's not even on YouTube, in full at least. Thank fuck. For a time, on its IMDb page (where it sits at a 1.1) it didn't even have the right image, instead having one for a live-action Little Mermaid production in spite of the actual movie's image being present on the page. Interestingly, this is the same case for School Gyrls, where while they have the poster I have on here, they just use a still shot from the movie, and it was never resolved.
Number 1
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| Garbage |
Yes, another Phelous review. This one is special because nowadays I can't even go back to the review. This movie is just that batshit insane. As batshit insane as the existing production trivia. This was spearheaded by Roger Corman, New World, Concorde/New Horizons, force behind the unreleased early-90s Fantastic Four movie, B-Movie aficionado Roger Corman. It was done as an experiment to see how he could do with children's animation, while doing it as cheaply as possible.
As a result, to all of you people bitching about Flash and CGI, this is what would happen if you do a majority of your work by hand, with a minimal budget. At least you're acquainted with how bad the former two apparently are. This was started in 1994 and completed in 1999, with a release a year after.
It's not just the animation that sucks, the premise is worse. For one, the main character is bullied over what? Her wearing glasses, her introvert nature? No, the fact that she reads. I take it this movie takes place in Mississippi. They nuke the characterization of Scheherazade, a storyteller who told stories to her murderous husband, into a cheap ass villain. Plus they fuck up history just to make it more accurate to what is known today.
Normally I'd link you these movies, but I don't even want to think about it anymore. This is the one time you have to take my word on this. Fuck this movie.
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