Basically, if you recall a really bad TV movie, chances are it'd be on Nickelodeon. Nick's original movies back in the day weren't special, they're bad mainly because they cater to the key points of the era they came out in. Unless it's Cry Baby Lane which they'd likely forget about and veer it to urban legend status. Sorta like how Nickelodeon had an influx of shows centered on musicians or had musical aspects, and those turned out to be just as cringeworthy. But what if you merged those together and made a musical movie, keeping with the attributes I just mentioned, and why not push the envelope even more by adding aspects to make it look more dated than it's destined to be, oh, and let's center it on a pop group that you probably never heard of.
School Gyrls
And yes, that's exactly how it's spelled. Why not push the envelope and switch out the "ch" with a "K", and replace the "S" with a "Z"? You're already behind a few years, you have no standards apparently.
History
School Gyrls seems like the kind of movie that'd come out in the early to mid-2000s, at worst 2006. But it actually came out in 2010. Yeah, hence me emphasizing on a lack of hindsight. Once you go into the mastermind behind the movie, you might sleep a bit easier knowing there's actually a reason. The film was spearheaded by Nick Cannon, a man you probably never heard of, but certainly heard the name of. Nick Cannon is starving for relevance these days, and he held on to whatever he could to remain in the limelight. Bear in mind that this was well before the fact that you could get back relevance if you whine about Donald Trump on Twitter.
The film is centered on the now disbanded girl group FOREVER, previously known as School Gyrls. They were apparently big in the late-2000s, I'd say I never heard of them but I was never on the internet much. Hell, I listened to pop stations back when Justin Bieber first hit the scene and I never heard of these girls. There's focusing on a familiar brand or person, then there's just something that screams: "YO DAWG, MUH DAD GAVE MEH A MOVIE YAZZZ!"
For all I know, either the girls or Nick Cannon were hungry for relevance, and hence, it's a match made in heaven.
I actually saw this movie when it first aired on Nickelodeon. I had no idea about the band connection, and I just took what was shown in front of me. Watching it for the first time, it didn't do anything for me. Looking back at it with fresh eyes, it's just another really, really, shit Nick movie.
Shit I could say about it.
Lackluster Premise
The film centers on the School Gyrls going about their lives at a boarding school. They're plagued by typical teen drama that looks so over the top it'd look more at home as a parody of Degrassi on MadTV (Saturday Night Live would probably make it political.), what's the payoff to this? To get to a show to perform. That's the general gist of the movie. You interested?
Cringeworthy Effects
A while back I reviewed a show called Romeo!, and I brought up how that show utilized animated cutscenes. Obviously this movie uses it too, but amps it up to eleven... point 5. The animation looks cheap, like something you'd see on an instant messenger or some website. A lot of these segments are non-sequiturs and just come out at pure random, with minimal rhyme or reason.
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| And they look like ass. |
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| Again, pure random. |
Trying too Had to be Hip
To keep it simple, it tries to cram in references and statements that were cool back in the day to get with the cool kids. If this came out now, keep an ear out for words like woke, or racist, or misogynist or gender-fluid.
Dated by the Time It Aired
A number of references are made to artists who're either overly-mainstream or have fizzled out over the years. Basically:
- Justin Bieber: Seriously.
- Soulja Boy: Who the gangsta-girl happens to love, in spite of the fact that he hasn't held any relevance since the end of 2012.
- Kristina DeBarge: Okay, she's actually a good singer but I haven't heard of her beyond one song.
I Hate These Morons
Like many non-Hollywood celebrities before them, the School Gyrls just can't act to save their lives. So, they resort to overacting and donning cringeworthy personas, some worse than others. Mandy, the blonde, is the most tolerable of the three. She's a bit of an airhead who actually does have some braincells to rub together. Mo Money (yes, that's her name, she apparently got her name from a Damon Waynes film directed by the guy who made the third Never-ending Story Movie) is the generic self-absorbed one. Not as over the top as others (in her stereotype field), but I'm not really rooting for her in the long run. Jacque is the worst of them all. She goes for a gangsta vibe and comes off as someone who still listens to Fred Durst. Wanna know how stereotypical she goes for this? Her crush is Soulja Boy, as I mentioned before.
Everyone in the film are cardboard cutouts that vaguely resemble high school life. The only character I kinda like in the film is the principal character. I don't know what stereotype she falls under (and it's not black), but it's an endearing one.
But what about the Music?
Given that these girls have had experience in the music industry, obviously the songs are the high point of the movie, but that's not saying much. They focus on topics that're obviously out of my field, and would be for others since they either graduated or simply left high-school.
Overall
I know I've been negative on this film. Yes, those are some serious strikes against it, but I think the real problem is... this movie wasn't made for me, or I just grew up. I first saw this when I was like fourteen, and since I have a dick, the movie wouldn't stick with me for long. An IMDb review sums it up best, that the movie is really for fourteen year old girls and younger.
All I could say to that is... thank god this movie came out when it did, if it came out now, this would be propaganda to turn kids into whiny GITS.
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