Clockmaker Watch & Review

When you hear the name Coppola, you immediately think of Francis Ford Coppola, the Godfather trilogy, and a number of films that are regarded as cinematic classics. However, when I hear Coppola, I think of the fact that he helped finance a number of cheap TV movies, a failed TV pilot from 1995 (White Dwarf) and may be a pedophile.

Part 1. The Man

So uh, here's the thing.... I fucking hate Francis Ford Coppola.

Francis Ford Coppola, for his great contributions, isn't the bastion of quality people make him out to be. Coppola discovered Victor Salva in the mid-80s and his son Roman helped finance Clownhouse, which starred two boys Salva molested.

I can leave well enough alone if Coppola at least cut ties with him, but there's more to the story. Along with being a dick, in the form of telling one of Salva's abuse victims he will never work in Hollywood again, Coppola helped directly co-produce Salva's first two films in the Jeepers Creepers film series. The scars of child abuse never heal.

Not to mention he almost looks like Harvey Weinstein.

But I'm not here to focus on Francis Ford, or Roman Coppola, or even Sophia Coppola since Al Jean and Mike Reiss tainted that prospect because of their surface level perspective on the movie industry, rather, a more obscure part of it.

Enter Christopher Coppola, Francis Ford's nephew through Ford's brother August, who was also the father of Nicholas Cage. Seriously. This connection is shown through Cage's participation in one of Christopher's productions, Deadfall.

As Roman and Sophia were connected to Francis Ford, they were able to earn stronger footholds in the film industry, Roman had directed music videos in the past (like Presidents of the United States of America's Lump for instance), and he and Sophia managed Commercial Pictures with financing through Francis Ford.

Christopher was basically on his own, given that he abided to a more niche direction with his films, and didn't enjoy the same level of success. As the name Coppola had a reputation, higher expectations put him on a much lower ebb. I first heard of him through Gunfighter, which was co-produced by Commercial, if you hadn't heard of it, it's a straight-to-video movie.

I don't intend to waste money on getting the film if I only intend to watch it once, opening it and playing it would lower the value otherwise I'd have more junk in my closet. Luckily, Christopher directed another movie that's available to watch on YouTube.

Part 2: The Background

Clockmaker was released in 1998 through The Kushner-Locke Company, a name you're bound to... mostly recognize in the 80s. Kushner-Locke (also known through their joint venture with Atlantic Entertainment) helped produce Spiral Zone, Teen Wolf, as well as the films Pound Puppies: Legend of Big Paw and The Brave Little Toaster.

Separately, founders Donald Kushner and Peter Locke are known for their involvement in Tron and The Hills Have Eyes respectively. Kushner is also known for being Michael Richards' unintentional twin and co-owning the Chinese Theater with Elie Samaha, one half of Franchise Pictures' former founders. But to be fair, they have better respect for history than Meshulam Riklis and Pia Zadora.

But back to Kushner-Locke, by the turn of the late-90s their ambitions were running low. In that time they released The Adventures of Pinocchio, which once people start tainting the legacy of Disney's adaptation will I potentially stick up for, I mean thanks to Child's Play I like Pinocchio's Revenge and would go on to release Beowulf... 1999's Beowulf... which was co-produced by the guy who made Foodfight!... and before then made a market on corny action flicks with dated CGI effects... Mortal Kombat.

For some reason, Christopher directed this film under a pseudonym, Christopher Remy, the writer for this, Neal Marshall Stevens had done the same thing. On the topic, Stevens (having the same surname to the other Franchise Pictures founder Andrew Stevens, hey, I made that connection I gotta follow through), helped write for various horror movies, some notable ones being the screenplay for Thirteen Ghosts and a Hellraiser direct-to-video sequel. He had got his start writing episodes for Monsters, albeit episodes I haven't seen yet.

The film contains no well known actors. The only one to at least have an image is Pierrino Mascarino, who had scant roles in television series but had an appearance in Tears of the Sun.

The film was shot in Bucharest, Romania. Romania is a favored site when it comes to filming because their tax incentives provide more funding for the producers. This is also a reason why so many people film in Vancouver as Canada has more generous funding agents. One last piece of Romanian funding trivia, Beowulf was filmed in Romania.

I guess Germany isn't as generous when it comes to tax incentives or they just love cheesy horror flicks. They already one-upped Uwe Boll.

By the end of this, I'll probably want to check out Clockstoppers.

Part 3: The movie this time

Going into this movie, I don't hold high expectations. I actually appreciate lower-budget indie films because they give a more welcoming vibe. This is a reason why James Rolfe is so respected. But don't get me wrong, it's not all sunshine, isn't that right Daniel Farrands?

We start off with an opening sequence that's at the very least better than The Time Machine I Found at a Yard Sale, in that we don't focus on one singular clock with default title text. Then again I think someone wanted to show off their clock collection. It does kinda drag on, like we get it, clock is in the title and time is a focal point, I'm not asking for someone to skateboard to Huey Lewis, but there was a better way to go about.

Payoff to that is a spherical pocket watch, all I know about it is that it's spherical. SPHERICAL! Also held by someone who I only know from the poster, either foreshadowing or spouting a metaphor.

(please note I write these reviews as I watch the movie, so I'm breaking at least one rule)

We get a glimpse into what's meant to be... I dunno, New York? It's featured so many times in so many movies you'd have to assume. After a killer cartwheel, at the very least my clock collection joke wasn't for nothing, it's the first point of discussion for our heroes... a bunch of kids. Initial takeaways are his refusal to sell them, and knowing what people are going to say.

That I chalk up to seeing everything and knowing just how predictable everything is. The logical next step is contrarianism.

But first, casual sexism. This was incredibly common in the 90s, as in the girls are viewed as lesser to the boys. Mary Beth (the girl here), is at least no Margo Sherman, then again a horse isn't on the line, and these boys apparently aren't all about sports, cool bunch of guys.

They get back into theorizing about Markham (the old man with the clock collection), and soon he arrives, but as this was by his storefront and he was likely in earshot, this saves a contrivance allegation, but I'm making a drunk allegation, his actor practically slurs his lines. But hey, if beer can make you a kick ass piano player maybe it can make you psychic too.

But speaking of contrivance, Markham drops a key to his building and the kids take it. Oh gee, I wonder- this is the 90s, of course they'd do it, and of course I'd expect Markham to have some intention here. But before that, if you expected the clocks and theories to clue us into Markham being some kind of time god, literally the scene after the key drop we have him walking as the environment plays backwards.

After some protest from Henry (one of two boys and the one from glasses), eh protest is too much of a stretch since right after they go right in. but this begs the question, was Devon (the second boy), dubbed by another actor? I have a feeling...

But wait, on this building, is it just a general apartment building? If so that's a pretty laughable key prop. We then get some dutch angles, and hey, my Franchise Pictures reference may have some meaning here, and then a thought... this is some ridiculous morality tale, right? Because I don't like those. Henry is all "This is a bad idea... but I'll go anyway." The movie is starting to give me Goosebumps vibes, maybe it's the corny lines or the image quality.

For their entry, they get trapped and thrown into an obstacle course of pendulums and clock-related facets. Insert "This guy is trying to murder three kids." line here. Something tells me this is where the budget went, unless Bucharest has a clock-themed funhouse Coppola was able to rent. Henry nearly falls down the pit, but has a look that says "Yeah I'm in danger wanna fight about it?"

Ordinairly I'm more forgiving to corny lines, but what throws me off here is a blasé and ironically predictable attitude. This isn't finding humor in a dire situation, this is thinking of what someone would say when trying to find humor in a dire situation. Devon's trying to be that guy and it feels so forced. I appreciate cheesy lines and delivery because it's unintentional. Think what you want, but unintentional comedy helps provide some extra humanity.

If this entire movie was improvised... well that's just taking a chapter from Francis Ford Coppola which for the record would be acceptable. For now, Devon gives me some serious Owen Wilson in The Haunting vibes.

We then get to the focal point of the movie, Markham's clocks are meant to represent the different times of the world. This reminds me of an episode of Night Visions, Patterns, where an OCD patient does rituals to keep the fabric of the world together, and that episode reminds me an episode of the 80s version of The Twilight Zone, The Curious Case of Edgar Witherspoon, who collects junk meant to provide stability to the world.

Either I'd be dropping things I'd sooner be watching or I just stated the film's gimmick before it was revealed. I could drop off here and assume this movie goes by the "Don't fuck with time" moral, but I made it through The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson.

So, the kids hide as Markham returns in and Devon goes to hide in a mysterious chamber, and in the back of my head I'm thinking... another plot device... and that level of begging reminds me of that cringey anti-bullying video that was big back in the 2010s.

For a taste of that, check out this reaction video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31cMclR8Yt4

But back on the scene, the camera is tilted, harkening back to my remark on that before (it was a Battlefield Earth reference for the uninformed), a tilted angle is meant to display a mental disturbance and establish something is going wrong. This happened well after an intended conflict occurred. No matter the intent, it's a lose lose situation.

Heh, wouldn't it be funny if Devon disappeared due to the chamber being- fuck it, you probably would've guessed. It does lead to an interesting scene, but first, visual.

I don't have the talent to do something like this.

They walk into a room that has footage of a man mugging the camera. You know how in most low-budget movies they crop a video and paste it onto a TV to simulate it actually airing on television? This could easily be exploited, too bad I'm both lazy and incompetent when it comes to videos.

This scene, at least one above, is pointless, if not just a desperate attempt at establishing something weird. I'd say this was a cameo from Christopher Coppola, though it's between here and a jackass tenant the kids visit to confirm where they are. At least he didn't go at them guns a blazing, seriously, two out of three assholes came at Marty McFly, I don't care how realistic it is, they have a time-machine in a fucking sports car.

Heh, wouldn't it be funny if they fucked up the timeline- well so far I'm giving this extra points for not having a crappy Trump joke several decades in advance.

So, it turns out they were transported several years into the future, I know it's the future because everything is chrome in the future... and littered with chrome piping, and knock-off A.I.-style vehicles, and Cyberpunk 2077 maybe.

Also JPEGs before they became mainstream.

For the record they cut to this image in the actual movie, you can even see the lens-flare effect.

Now, part of me is thinking, well Devon was warped several years into the future and using knowledge from a book Henry had used it to become a billionaire. At this rate I don't care about predicting things, I just want things to at least make sense.

Speaking of sense... this is ironically less jank than Back to the Future II which had a similar idea. Sure it made sense since all it took was betting on sports, but it was so over the top... it was so over the top. If only I could phrase that better, but I know how.

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Speaking of Back to the Future II, it falls into, practically popularized the dark future trope, where everything is so over-the-top it borders on cliche or forced and tosses aside common sense. Principal Strickland is no badass, even Dean Wormer can beat his fat behind, and I hate Animal House, oh, and everyone's an asshole. This and Teen Titans are the biggest examples of this cliched route, even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2003 fell into this web, but all for another time, I mean maybe, have I ever made due on a promise?

Henry and Mary Beth get stopped by police officers by not having a license, indicative to the time with a new law. If Robert Zemeckis directed this they'd both be at gunpoint. The acting takes a bit of a dive, and while the kids are the worst here, it actually fits the cops as these cold-robotic types. And the best part is, no "We're in the Biff Tannen time-line" jokes.

A failed getaway leads, well, you ever wanted to see the inexplicable net trap?

So only now do they realize they're in the future, but in terms of buildings established longer ago not originally being there. FilmTheory time, Devon was sent back to the past and using his knowledge of computers from Henry's book, made a market out of it, became rich and there they are now.

For as corny as this film is or tries to be, it's fairly realistic when it comes to the people, one guy could've easily given them shit for asking the date, but was actually reasonable enough, this ain't homeless douche overreacting to a guy bumping into him stuff, this ain't touching a newspaper and getting into gunpoint stuff, this isn't- well okay what did you expect when you hopped into your house through the window?

But it turns out this isn't the future, this is a more futuristic rendition of their intended year.

The two get electrodes attached to them, and for anyone who wants to claim it ripped off Futurama, this predated that show by a year.

For their crimes they had no intent to commit or knowledge they were doing it, "THEY'RE GOING TO JAIL!"

But due to their wrongful entry to this period, they're recognized as nonexistent. I'd think more but I'm too distracted by a primitive chair.

So it turns out Devon had no impact on altering the timeline. This is both good and bad. Bad as in the potential was thrown out the window, good as in this takes away a big parallel to Back to the Future II, cutting down rip-off claims.

Anyhow, we meet our villains, or associates to it, who acquire the computer book Devon was transported with and they intend to tap into the information inside. Also Markham arrives to bail the kids out and affirm what we saw. Given he has the means to go through time, I can't think of anything better.

Markham is trying to go for a Gene Wilder personality, and for the record, I like Wilder... as an actor, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory I don't like out of my own hatred for films that go against what they're adapting because they weren't creative enough to make something work with what was provided to them.

In trying to sell an eccentric mind... it just feels like an idea with little else, it's incredibly basic, but hey, by not killing kids just to teach some asinine moral he is already better than Willy Wonka. At least the Tim Burton version has the kids live to learn the moral at the end.

But now... exposition, not in terms of Markham's ramblings, but Henry basically confirming one of my theories on the book having an impact on the change in history. And we all know what needs to happen, they need to go back in time, whoo! This does feed into my morality tale thing, as Markum wants them to handle the operation since it was their fault. Well, fair enough, my negativity towards that is within a general context.

Two things come to mind at this point. One, Mascarino makes a great b-rate Christopher Lloyd (makes sense given the Back to the Future stuff), two, it kinda feels like they're taking a stab at the general time travel premises in films, but don't quite pull it off. All else feels very bearable, if this were an episode of Goosebumps, there're already episodes that can be considered worse.

The effects for this aren't as terrible as I'd expect them to be, though still not necessarily up to par.

In the 1880s, most we face so far is a coach-rider with a five second mental delay and a drunkman who's less rude than the kids. Suddenly, bad guys. I don't know if they're associated with the evil ones from the warped 1998 timeline, but I gotta assume.

At this point the sound mixing becomes bungled, either that or the actors talk too quietly, but this is saved a bit after by an unintentional joke about how dark the lighting is.

Quite a place for this kind of lighting.

Searching and wandering make up a decent chunk of this film for here on out, then the effects take a step down, but that's what you get for voting for Rutherford B. Hayes... I guess? They get saved by a battle axe woman who's kind enough to help them, and kind she is, I'd call it an Irish thing, but I could be wrong.

Going back to Back to the Future, there's a joke about one assuming the name of someone based on the name of their clothes. Back to the Future did Calvin Klein, this did polyester. I hate to call anything a rip-off, and this isn't exactly one as it does plenty different here, but when the similarities show they're hard to ignore.

They have a little nosh, but then... exposition, from Henry, full frontal, raw, exposition. As of now, the characters can be summed up like this. Devon the intended comic relief, Henry, the exposition guy and Mary Beth... girl in 90s movie. Also the tilted angle's back. I think the tripod was off-center or they couldn't find even ground, and maybe they only had the location for a limited amount of time.

I was half expecting the lady Bricktop Betty, to call them crazy, but she accepts it enough to let them pass. Nice lady. Also I was close to not being able to find her name due to the thickness of her accent, but she says it enough times soon after for me to figure it out. Putting it to just finding their friends, she joins along, well, better it be an eccentric Irish lady than an annoying talking animal.

Hell, Back to the Future didn't have a foreign tagalong character, this guy didn't accompany them to the past... you know funny thing is, people only focus on the cheese factor in this, so I'm glad they didn't just write this off as a rip-off.

I was close to saying nothing more interesting happens, but do you recall that second screencap I shared? Brogan, John Brogan to be precise, is our antagonist in this.

Devon sold the book to Brogan in the 1880s, the latter managed a factory, tool die and machine works, and would be ideal to sell to when it came to futuristic machinery which would make a financial killing. At the very least it's all falling into place, even if Henry feels the need to explain it, but then, wooden doors with a metal creaking sound effect.

After a match lighting that probably wouldn't light the room up the way it did, well, before they were sent to the past, Markham didn't warn them about messing with the timeline. So perhaps to one up her when it came to what she consider's modern convenience, they must have hypercubes in their pockets as they're able to pull out so much.

There is actually a point to this, to drive the point home they're from a future period. But then we get more exposition as the tripod is put into a toilet. Spinning shots lose their muster when we see the entirety of the room, and Markham doesn't do much that would be imperative to the cut.

It turns out Brogan intended to take the potential money for himself and iced Devon out, though this was given away when he was thrown in jail earlier on. I don't know what's scarier, the idea or the most unenthused cry for help ever, but then more bad sound mixing.

From here it's more exposition to how bad Brogan is, and how they may go about fixing everything. Their route, forging a letter with Brogan's signature which Henry uses to get into the factory, where he finds an assistant...? I don't know his exact affiliation, but it feels like they're setting up a twist villain. A leech if you will.

Anyway, it's an extensive breakout scene, and it turns out through contrivance that Betty is Mary Beth's great great grandmother, and they escape, but try to reroute for a more accurate reversal to the time bungle, if they ever get done planning it. Whereupon agreeing to the time and place to go back, and I gotta say, they kinda pulled off the two different Devons in the same area pretty well. They have the foresight to know taking the past Devon back with them without the future one would lead to a paradox, but they're caught again by the time cops, and both Devons come along.

Somehow, this causes the paradox to occur, but then again the timeline only happened due to Brogan discovering the book so it would've happened regardless. The other Devon was removed in this paradox as well, and it's only three minutes until the credits roll, so I can't call this quick rap-up rushed and lazy. And there's a twist... the other Devon is Markham. Not necessarily out of the question by its own rules, but I didn't really expect it.

It then concludes with the worst digital effects I've ever seen involving us zooming back from planets, and I know for certain the planets don't end at Saturn, and that planets don't look like those.

Part 4: Conclusion

So, this was my first true exposure to Christopher Coppola, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

The movie has similar vibes to a Nickelodeon movie or an episode of Goosebumps, and it could've gotten away with airing on either in terms of its characterizations and vibes.

However, when it comes to the visual effects, while footholds weren't firmly made in this time, they are very laughable and really spell out the cheap nature of the film. It feels as though Christopher was iced out of his family and was forced to essentially fend for himself. Maybe he caught his potentially creepy uncle jerking it to Sam Rockwell? If so then maybe Roman and Sophia have stronger moral fiber.

This movie didn't bug me too much, but that's because I have the stomach for bad cinema apparently. I'm bound to find worse Christopher movies overtime, but I'm glad I picked this over a crappy Steve Marmel cartoon.

But, another time.