LTA: The Cat in the Hat's GBA Game

Years ago my mom bought a portable DVD player for the car. I used to watch the Cat in the Hat movie constantly, it was primarily through there, hence why I brought it up.

Though people hate this movie with a burning passion because they're under the assumption Dr. Seuss is alive and giving shits, I don't see the problem. It's not like the original, but it's still enjoyable, and just to remind you, I was a kid at the time I watched it, and the designs didn't scare me at all. I'm not saying it out of spite, I watched this movie constantly and was not disturbed by the Things or the Cat in the Hat. Either at a young age I understood how well or poorly things can be translated to live-action, or people like to exaggerate.

As was the way with many movie adaptations, they would release a game to capitalize on the hype. Interesting fact, around the same year this came out, NewKidCo published three Cat in the Hat games for the Game Boy Advance, maybe they were diehard fans, or they were known for tripling, often quadrupling down on licenses.

The fact that Universal Studios, (cha ching, and distributors for this film, hence that plug), had their own publishing arm meant that it was in their grasp. The game was released for the PlayStation 2, Xbox, Windows and Game Boy Advance. As with many Game Boy Advance games, I have no idea how or when I got it. I do know it was associated with a camping trip I took aboard an old naval ship, where I slept in a bunk bed under a heavy guy.

The game was published by Vivendi Universal Games and developed by Digital Eclipse. Digital Eclipse are perhaps best known for their compilations and conversions of old games, they showed how powerful the Game Boy Color truly was, brought over Dungeons and Dragons pretty well, you couldn't go five feet without seeing their neat little logo.

But don't get me wrong, it's not always sunshine behind that moon. They were also behind a number of shovelware titles for the Game Boy Color (though Little Nicky's the best of them all), brought upon the current worst E.T. game, among NewKidCo.'s glut, handled the Game Boy Color port of Mortal Kombat 4 as well as the Game Boy Color port of Marble Madness, often considered to be one of the worst ports for that game, at least the Game Boy Advance version showed potential.

Vivendi Universal Games also had promise, they published great titles like Metal Arms and Crash Twinsanity, and also helmed some of the most objectively good licensed games ever, like 2003's Hulk, The Simpsons Hit and Run and the Chronicles of Riddick. But on the other hand, they also published Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly and one of the lesser Leisure Suit Larry games until they were outsucked about five years later.

The Game

The story seems to follow the original books, with imagery from the 2003 movie. I take it this was made earlier on. The Cat in the Hat arrives, chaos is unleashed and it warps the house into a surrealistic nightmare.

You play as the Cat in the Hat, going to four different areas, each comprising of two platforming stages, one swimming stages, and half of them have boss fights.

For the platforming stages, this leads you to a number of bizzare areas, such as the pipe system, a medicine cabinet, the fridge, and keep in mind these are decked out to suit the platformer aesthetic. They all play like this, collect a certain number of items, usually 165, and destroy all of the enemies in order to open up the exit, usually 16.

You can catch enemies in bubbles, do a slam attack and glide up small cyclones with your umbrella, but beware on those, they wear off after a few seconds. You have three temporary abilities, a slam enhancement that allows you to get an extra bounce with your slam attack, the ability to glide higher on cyclones and the chance to run faster to make wide jumps and avoid dripping hazards. For health you have slices of cake that replenish your health one piece at a time, and cupcakes for full heals. There are also thing icons that will unlock bonus stages, which I will discuss later on.

Enemies consist of a bipedal dog that than crane its head out, a bumblebee guy, a snail with a cannon, a stegosaurus that rams, a quadrupedal dog that functions like the stegosaurus, a green and purple monster that hurls projectiles at you and a flaming gopher... bear... face on a ball that's on fire, which will get such cold feet that it won't appear in any other level again.

There is a specific way to destroy the enemies, you will find yourself lost and furious if you don't do it this way. You need to trap the enemies in bubbles and slam down on them for it to count as a kill. I know it doesn't seem like much, but first timers may miss this and wind up getting stuck without knowing that they didn't dispose of the enemy properly. I'd assume the bubble is meant to protect against the physical attributes of most enemies.

The underwater stages have you go and try and save the talking goldfish, whatever his name is, and these take forever. You have a long way to go, attacking catfishes, green whales, puffer pig fish, crabs, seals?, but I'll give it this, unlike that Barbie game JonTron talked about, it has enemies which include the loss of oxygen. 

There are two boss fights, and they're mostly bogus. The first one has you fight a giant living toaster, but all you gotta do is get it to move far enough to the left that its plug gets pulled. The other is a stuffed moose that actually puts up quite a fight. This one threw me off as a kid, but what you gotta do is hit it after it disorients itself after it drops down. I like how you can revisit boss stages, even if the bosses don't respawn, give you a chance to contemplate your dirty deed.

There's also a row of bonus stages, if you collect the thing icons, but they amount to the same thing. It's a driving game where you try to capture one of the things, or Thing 1, as it's the only one referred to by name. The only thing that changes is the scenery, greenery, the suburbs, the city then the city at night. Now sure the movie had low real estate on locations, and having the Things in the house would not make sense for a mission like this.

It can get annoying if you don't know what to do. You need to know to hold down the "A" button in order to drive fast. You have the option to use an extending hand to grab the thing from a distance but you can otherwise run him over.

And that's about it... I just summed up the entire game right there. There's a section on the top left that went entirely unused. It seems like something that would be opened if you complete the game 100%, but nothing happens, it's dead space. Heck, you don't even see Thing 2 in this.

I'm willing to believe this game was unfinished or rushed. The basic framework of each level would be enough, but the lack of that many bosses, at the very least having one for each floor, nor a true end beyond a small cutscene. You can complete this game in less than an hour if you know what you're doing. I don't know what they intended with that unused section, unless it was just to stare at an immovable door as you contemplate whether or not all of that effort was worth it.

At the very least the graphics were good and the music was decent.

This game had been considered an example of why licensed games get a bad rep, and this was taken from an excerpt from a review focusing on the Game Boy Advance version. Let's see, basic stages, basic gameplay, the fact this could've been rushed, I can't really argue with that now can I?

Final Thoughts

I loved the movie as a kid, and honestly I still like it now. It was fun to watch... and that's about it. The game, I honestly can't be nice about it, even if I grew up with it. It may be the first potentially rushed game I ever encountered as a kid. Let's be grateful that this didn't destroy Vivendi Universal and Digital Eclipse's reputations.

The Worst What a Cartoon short (vent)

 So I covered what I personally consider to be the worst Oh Yeah! Cartoons short. So now I feel like doing the same for its equivalent. If you know me you'd know what short I'd put on blast if I cover Random Cartoons, so that's out.

Ignoramooses

This short was spearheaded by Mike Milo, an animator who had involvement in quite a lot, even complete turd stains like Shnookums and Meat, The Critic and The Lion King... that Disney Afternoon series. This was actually one of two shorts Milo worked on, the other being Bloo and His Gang, no relation to Foster's, aka what is technically Craig McCracken's worst show.

Right off the bat this short annoyed me. If you have two idiots leading the way, it's always a gamble whether or not the experience would be bearable. It could be the naive kind of stupid where the characters are well meaning, or the arrogant kind of stupid where you can't help but wonder if they use their stupidity as a defense. The latter applies here.

A woodland analyst puts collars on the ignoramooses to track them, and soon enough... they lose half the plot. The mooses believe they have been claimed as pets and the hunter gets sedated by tranqulizers, in what is one of the only funny moments in the short, I mean humor is subjective.

They travel from South Dakota to Florida, and one thing I kinda gotta give it credit for is that at least the analyst, hunter, safari douche, has a suitable midwestern accent. Obviously the first big mansion they see they assume is where they gotta be... hijinks ensue as they drive the man to the brink of insanity.

Okay, so he's a hunter. They don't explicitly mention or give generous implications he is relevant to anything more than just frequent putdowns. Did he hire the safari guy to track the mooses down so he can kill them? Why else would he be surprised they came to his house to be a nuisance? It's kinda like Caddyshack, where Rodney Dangerfield comes to be an asshole and all of the sudden he is entitled to everything.

Either that or I couldn't read between the lines on that movie.

What I'm trying to say is that running someone ragged only works when there's a point to it. If the mansion owner is established right out of the gate to be a malicious hunter who abuses every animal he comes across, it's fair to expect consequences to be thrown his way. Here, it's left up to the imagination of the viewer.

Now granted, this is not so much a base for pilots rather just a dedicated collection, so I doubt he was going for a full series, which is fine, because this has absolutely no staying power.

So as a payoff, the mooses force the owner to become their personal servant to teach him a lesson in.... something, they don't make it obvious in a way that's reasonable. Is this meant to be a pro environment message? If so all this taught me was that those kinds of people are self-righteous, condescending, obnoxious and insufferable.

What do you consider the worst What A Cartoon short?

Top 4 Worst Episodes of The Simpsons (vent)

This is the part where I go into The Simpsons, its impact and assume it longevity hurts me on a mental basis, but that would imply I actually care. Say you hate the new episodes of The Simpsons and people will automatically believe everything you say. I gotta get this out of my system before it gets any worse.

To heck with the formalities, let's get right into the list, the top four worst episodes of The Simpsons, why four? Because the fifth kinda got away from me.

#3: There's No Disgrace Like Home

Don't forget, you're here forever, is darker without context. You are stuck with your dysfunctional family and can never change it.

This was around the time The Simpsons was still trying to find its footing, and this indirectly gave us an idea what would happen if a relatively sane man was caught in an insane family. It's unpleasant to say the least, especially when others are unwilling to commit to change for the better. Any effort you make to try and get people to fix themselves is met with glorified apathy.

Looking back on this and how worn out the dysfunctional family trope has become, it makes this harder to watch. I'm thankful Homer was made into an idiot right away because it would've been far more depressing if it came gradually.

#2: Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish

Politics, that is all.

The writers on The Simpsons are left leaning, this was apparent since the beginning. I bring that up not because I want to put people down over their political views, but because left leaning people are the most willing to shove it into everyone's faces.

The idea is to push people to one side of the table, why else is Mr. Burns a Republican, and why else is so much faith put into Mary Bailey, whoever the hell she would've been? Make your own choice, but please consider this particular one.

Even back then this episode felt painful in my opinion, and showed an underlying bias the writers had (why else did most of them go to Harvard?). People who throw shit at one side tend to be just as shitty, I'll just leave it at that.

Dishonorable Mention

War of the Simpsons bugged me as well, but it was a good idea backed by poor execution and some borderline one-sidedness. I saw a hilarious review waxing praise and throwing in asinine allegories, that's all I can say.

#1: Moaning Lisa

Here's an equation, take a great A-plot and mix it with a terrible B-plot... the answer's right above. Moaning Lisa has the worst B-plot in the show's history, bar none. All that hard work, for a hollow and unsatisfying conclusion, oh but the A-plot is inspiring and shit, I don't care, I have to put up with the b-plot just to see that inspiring and shit a-plot.

vent over

The Worst Oh Yeah! Cartoons Short

 So recently MrEnter did a review where he talked about 10 of his favorite Oh Yeah! Cartoons shorts. Admittedly some choices were kinda predictable (obviously Mina and the Count would place very high, but I never heard of Protecto 5000 until now so maybe he found some untouched territory), but he was more or less going by how the shorts would've had potential to be actual shows. Some I kinda expect, given his previous experience with a pet project that only leeches care to bring up.

I'm here under the assumption one day he will do a list of the worst Oh Yeah! Cartoons shorts. I imagine Zoomates, that one short a pre-Family Guy Seth MacFarlane (just a reminder he used to work at Hanna Barbera) and Butch Hartman will place somewhere there, and though I wouldn't like it, he may place any short by Guy Vasilovich on there because of their more niche nature.

But if he does make a worst of, I really hope he includes this on there.

Tales from the Goose Lady

Tales from the Goose Lady was created by Dave Wasson, who is best known for creating Time Squad for Cartoon Network and assisting on Making Fiends, but he is perhaps best known for his work on the beloved Disney show The Buzz on Maggie. Oh, he also worked on some crappy cartoon about a magical girl who wants to bone a guy and go all Hiroshima to do so.

This was actually one of two shorts Wasson worked on, the other being Max and his Special Problem. Well one of two shorts is generous, this is one of the special exceptions on Oh Yeah! Cartoons, where a short series came of it. As there are multiple episodes of something, we'd get to know the characters more and adjust to the atmosphere the shorts are going for. I.e., it is fair to judge it as a whole.

The series is basically like a satirical collection of fairy tales. Satire is always good... if you have something to say, and satire is a generous term to use for this. Basically just a collection of stories that have 25% of a connection to the tales they were meant to be. Oh, and these tales are handled by a demented Mother Goose parody who terrorizes two kids who don't want anything to do with her, him, how far does the joke go? Goose Lady has a Lazloian grasp on life.

Lazloian (Las-löh-ee-hn), noun: To express overt optimism to mask naivety or ignorance. Often used as a coping mechanism or to intentionally mess with people in a less obvious manner.

Each of these shorts follow a very basic outline, two kids, Dot and Randy, two very well behaved kids, encounter Goose Lady at the worst possible times. She tunes out what's going on to tell her crazy stories, often ending with a bunk moral that the two are quick to debate, then they get in trouble. If this was a one time short, I can forgive it, it was just a one time deal for a quick laugh. I can forgive multiple episodes being made, had the shorts had more variety and didn't end with some variation of the same dire conclusion.

Normally bad circumstances would come as a form of karma or have some kind of payoff or twist. Just the fact that they're self aware of the situation, and Goose Lady deals the first blow, and the fact we know she'd get away with it levies any suspense, and that she herself is self aware and actively hunts down the same two kids. Once was enough, I can remember the wraparounds in finer detail than the stories she has to tell.

Now look, if we can't change the circumstances, why not have Goose Lady visit different kids every time? That way we won't have time to be attached to her usual haunts. Honestly, maybe the idea of Goose Lady actually having good intentions could help make for a good series, where she is incompetent and winds up either telling the wrong story to the right kids, or vice versa. Heck, for a little variety have some stories turn out to help whether it be by stupid luck or genuine luck. Keep people guessing.

It's not that it's a joke I happen to not like, but it's the same payoff every five episodes, and goes to show how little every episode has to offer. Something pleasent, sudden intrusion, in one ear out the other, story, cockamamie moral, consequences. Something like Mina and the Count worked better because you never knew what you'd get out of it, thanks to how it handles its basic framework. Heck, why else did Fairly Odd Parents and ChalkZone ultimately get picked up?

Nepotism, and ChalkZone was actually a good show.

The only thing I like about these shorts is the art direction, it boasts some decent quality animation, thought it could be digital ink and paint for all I know. It automatically gets points for not following similar design aesthetics to shorts helmed by Butch Hartman and Bob Boyle, once you notice it, you can't un-notice it. Another plus is that Tara Strong and Grey DeLisle are nowhere to be heard in this.

Final Thoughts

Every showcase has its duds. Random Cartoons had Adventure Time, What A Cartoon had Ignoramooses, Shorty McShort Shorts had 90% of its episodes and this and the Fairly Odd Parents shorts were Oh Yeah! duds. Nothing could've saved these shorts, honestly. Better shorts were one-offs, less Wasson's were quicker to produce and fill air time. Course some prefer one time deals.

It seems Fairly Odd Parents and ChalkZone were destined to get their own shows regardless, one because it was a legitimately great series, another because of reasons I've yet to weather. My Life as a Teenage Robot got on lucky from a one-off short, though it could've been an alternate to Renzetti's Mina and the Count, which also had some serious luck going from a Cartoon Network showcase to a Nickelodeon one.

I feel like Wasson wanted this to be a one off, but the producers kept wanting him to do more, maybe the repetition was a cry for help? Maybe a bigger statement was lost on poor execution? Maybe this was doomed from the start and we should leave it at that?

Sure.

Solving a Personal Movie Mystery

 When I was a kid, my folks weren't very strict with what I was allowed to watch on television or listen to on the radio. I listened to two Guns N' Roses albums before I even turned ten, and I don't mean the neutered combined Use Your Illusion album. But television for me was a whole other breed. I had watched Nickelodeon a lot as a kid, but my folks would allow me to watch stuff like Spike TV with them, even The Sopranos.

Oh what was that like? Well even when I was young I was able to sum up the ending to Members Only in such detail the school gave my folks a call. That was it by the way. Not to mention in a later school we were screened the 2005 adaptation of War of the Worlds. Maybe that's why I wasn't scared of Son of the Mask, I was basically desensitized.

I had seen many flicks, part of them anyways, that stuck in my mind for better or worse, Summer of Sam, There's Something About Mary (well one scene anyhow), Parents (if there's one good thing I can say about Brad Jones is that he indirectly helped me solve that mystery, and Big Fish, among others. But, one movie had alluded me for so long, and the answer was right under my nose. Today I'm gonna go into my experience with a particularly interesting movie scene, and my very quick discovery.

Background

Years ago, ballpark estimate 2002-2004, I was at my grandparents house watching TV. I saw a movie featuring a woman fearfully looking at her refrigerator, then somehow turning up on a game show. Time after, the fridge comes to life and goes to eat her. That was all I remember from this movie.

Going into my later years, I had assumed I saw a relatively obscure b-movie with decent production values. I had rediscovered various movies through good luck and circumstance, and I had hoped to do the same with this movie. But this took quite a while.

My initial assumption is that this was something from the 80s or 90s, like something out of a horror comedy. Maybe it was some dedicated flick? Maybe this was part of an anthology? Maybe the scene was just some non-sequitur that had no bearings on the actual plot and existed solely to shock the viewer? But what would the movie it was part of be like? It was kinda like a Tim Burton movie, but lacking the gothic nature he's known for.

My only lead was this scene, and even the most specific searches didn't get me desirable results. All I got was some hokey short film out of it. My initial lead came in the form of The Refrigerator, a 90s horror film that may've been what I'm looking for. It wasn't, not even close. It didn't even look to have enough of a budget to achieve the effect I remembered in such detail.

So at this rate I gave up. There was no other way for me to find what I was looking for. However, that would change when I actually bothered to go on r/TipofMyTongue. Basically the Lost Media Wiki for those who just want to confirm stuff that is available. I went on their gaming equivalent r/TipofMyJoyStick to identify the only childhood game I couldn't remember the name of, and since I got such immediate results, I decided to try my luck there again.

[TOMT][Movie] Movie Containing a Nightmare Sequence Involving a Fridge Monster

"I caught this on television years ago, well just the scene in particular. The scene had a woman peek through a kitchen door, with the camera going to her refrigerator. It then cut to some kind of dream sequence where she was either on a game show or talk show. Toward the end of it, the fridge came to life, becoming like a monster and going toward her.

That is all I remember. I doubt this was anything more than just a non-sequitur, but this scene was so weird I just want to confirm it's real. The film looks to have come out some time in the 80s or 90s (given the animatronic quality of the fridge monster)

I'm not looking for The Refrigerator (1991), as it looks to be relatively newer than the film I'm discussing here. I don't know if this was just some b-movie that I caught on cable, or if this was a somewhat more mainstream movie that I don't know about."

This was the post I wrote on Reddit, hoping that once, finally, I can put this to rest.

And it was solved the day I posted it.

So it turns out the movie I was looking for, for all these years, was an incredibly popular movie that was essentially right under my nose. That movie was Requiem for a Dream. For those of you about to criticize me for making something out of such a groundbreaking and known movie, imagine if you're a kid who happens to see something incredibly bizarre out of context. This was well before I used the internet too.

Spoilers alert.

The context behind this scene involved one of the characters, Sara Goldfarb, fasting and using diet pills in order to fit into her daughter's red dress so she can turn up on a game show. As Requiem deals with drug abuse and addition, her mind would play tricks on her. I bring up fasting because it makes the fridge scene more logical. This would also explain the game show aesthetic as she would envision herself on the show, but things get weirder.

Her idealized self and the host emerge from the TV and begin judging her living quarters, as she had placed judgement of others above her own. The culmination of this marks the depletion of her sanity, and explains the fridge monster. As she had been avoiding eating to preserve an idealized image of herself, the fridge coming to life and to eat her marked that aforementioned break. Mind tricks are unpredictable, and that was one way to break her and send her on a frenzy.

Given how I phrased my Reddit post and finding out what I was looking for... it's kinda embarrassing. Not only was this a very known film, but even the fridge has its own wiki page on the Villains Wiki. I was way off on my estimation, as this came out in the year 2000, and it only looked older because this was produced for only a few million dollars.

But at least it was resolved.

Conclusion

It's funny how what I remember with the most detail can allude me based on the title alone. If you wanna see what I'm talking about with this scene, here you go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fr5aZPIm7o4&t=184s

Top 6 Worst Hey Arnold! Episodes

Hey Arnold! is certainly a respectable show, standing out amongst its peers, having a near timeless quality and managing to appeal to city life at a time when suburban livings dominated cartoons like it. But at the same time, it's full of problems.

Characters were slowly degraded over the years, like many were surrendering to their archetypes and sacrificing whatever third dimensions they had (save for enemies and most recurring characters it seems), Arnold being a big example where at one time he had this slightly goofy charm and, just to remind you, he's a kid goddamnit. His attitude in the earlier seasons was better fleshed out, funny, and above all, not preachy. Compare that to Arnold in later seasons, basically a moralistic plank who has to help everyone else get on track, why else was this a focal point to one episode?

You may disagree, but later era Hey Arnold! episodes just didn't have the charm of older ones. It's a time when the Games era was better than the other era. Frankly the only major takeaway I got from the later seasons was Helga, she became a bit more mellow or adjustable in these later episodes, or maybe she got more entertaining, or maybe her developing voice helped to make the character more bearable to listen to.

Not to mention, I feel like the writing wasn't that good. Don't get me wrong, when they do it good they do it great, but I feel like nine times out of ten, things just so happen to get resolved very easily, or someone did a soft reboot of an earlier scene and ran it by again. The pieces to a conflict at times comes way too easily. The writers rely too heavily on writers conveniences, returning to the status quo, using strawmans to justify fake 180s (Rhonda especially), archetypes, lack of development, oh yeah, and the show tended to recycle plots. A lot, by the standards of other shows. Not even SpongeBob recycled as much as this show, and that has more episodes. Hell, they basically borrowed the plot from an 80s sitcom episode. A reference works better if it's brief and for a joke, not played straight.

My cynicism with beloved shows stems from the fact that people are often too reluctant to look into legitimate flaws, and the golden term, on the tip of my tongue- hypocrisy. Really the only reason anyone should see more recent Hey Arnold! episodes is that in later seasons they have the more twisted episodes. I would maintain that Ghost Bride is the best of that crop, and Sid and Germs has the most twisted nightmare sequence, hands down. I'm not even gonna compare it to older episodes for the sake of keeping things as neutral as they possibly can.

But oh right, I have a list. If you all bothered to stay after this little tirade, here're the top 6 Hey Arnold! episodes that I personally consider the worst. Why six? Because the extra number refers to the one objective takeaway the Nostalgia Critic has.

#6: Gerald's Tonsils

I'm not gonna consider Hey Arnold to be the most realistic cartoon, hell, I'm more than aware of how things just so happen to work in everyone's favor. However, where they get it right, they're usually at their worst. So what, Gerald gets his tonsils removed and people laugh at his adjusting voice, for a stark bulk of the episode?

This episode is lower on the list because by the end of it, it's just a very unsatisfying experience. It's one thing to just roll with the joke and not let it bother you, it's another when the same joke is thrown at you constantly. Gerald is teased over his voice and that point is driven home harder than it needs to be, then when he finally sacks up and owns up to it, people still get at it.

You could say it's petty to get upset over teasing, I just didn't find it funny. My hangup with teasing in general is that if it didn't work the first time, half the time it won't dissuade people from doing it again until they get a reaction. It's basically a lose lose situation, and for here while there is some kind of pay-off it just wasn't satisfying enough. By this point Gerald's actor was the only constant actor who went through puberty, so I can understand karma in the form of a tonsillectomy would've been too big of a stretch.

Thank god people praise Avatar more, otherwise it'd be a harder sell to criticize an episode this way. You can make a realistic scenario and make it satisfying by the end, this is still fiction after all, nobody wants to be reminded of reality when they watch cartoons, it's escapism. Apparently the people behind Rocket Power loved the idea so much they used it for one of their episodes, just like they did for the hooky episode.

#5: Helga's Makeover

Here's a relatively hot take, a show's first season should be held to the same scrutiny as its later seasons. If they're praised on the same level as later seasons, we have to allow the other extreme. SpongeBob's first season wasn't that great, I have two reasons to back that up. The Simpsons had some stinkers even in their prime, Moaning Lisa has the worst b-plot in the show's entire history. This episode was in the show's first season by the way.

Sometimes it's incredibly easy to find an episode that wears its message on the sleeve. Episodes in that crop are typically girl power episodes, and this is no exception. At times characters' personalities are warped to help sell the message, why else would the boys, including Arnold, seek to prank the girls? I think it was way too obvious to have Helga be the one to encourage girls to not worry about their appearance, way to infringe on how they want to live. Somehow the animation in this episode is more uncanny than the other early episodes, and I can't not remember the ending, I remember it in such fine detail that rewatching it will only make things worse for me.

I'd go into a social-political tangent, but instead, why don't I just tell you how I think this should've gone down? Realistically, Helga would've been booted from the slumber party for not abiding to the standards set for it and team up with the boys to pull a prank. They would see a girl can be just as into the stuff guys are. Gee, it's almost as if guys and girls are equal. But no, apologetics have to disrupt the balance a tad.

The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy did something similar to this, nothing about it felt right, well mostly. Sure Billy can be a jerk at times, okay sexist, but that's because he's an idiot. In that episode he was slightly more knowing, and Mandy was more nervous. She could've scared Ms. Doolin into a well deserved grave if she wasn't nerfed to push a message.

And yes, Codename Kids Next Door handled things better on that front. Hell, they weren't even afraid to represent the more toxic side to feminism, I think they called her Fanny for a reason, because she's a pain in the-

#4: Helga and the Nanny

...nailed it.

Ever encounter a situation where you find yourself unable to root for anyone? This is that kind of situation. Helga is forced into the throws of a strict German nanny, who winds up overstepping her boundaries. I get proper behavior, but stuff like outfits, curfews, and whatever else I might've forgot is well out of the standards of modern society, modern American society at least.

This could've been a chance for Helga to better herself and potentially get Arnold interested as she would seek to become nicer. This could've been a chance for Helga to potentially corrupt her nanny and give her an idea why she is basically not very liked by her peers. There is another thing, but I run the risk of hypocrisy, and I doubt my own explanation can justify it. There're just so many other directions this episode could've gone, but it didn't.

Come to think of it, a lot of Hey Arnold episodes tended to have either disappointing ends or nothing much to their plots, yet many of those are at least bearable enough to watch. This is more disappointing because it followed a more infamous episode. Those who saw it hoped the b-segment would be better, hence higher standards had on it. Needless to say, this didn't live up to those set standards.

#3: Stuck in a Tree

Hey, remember that time Arnold and Eugene got stuck on a roller coaster? Arnold has too much faith in Eugene apparently. I like Eugene for the most part, and I get the idea, he has constant optimism in spite of his bad luck, but this episode is enough to make you wonder.

This episode got under my skin. While it's good to be optimistic, it's not always surefire. Yes, ironically I went on a tangent about toxic positivity sometime ago. But look at it like this, while being cynical isn't ideal, it can help in the longrun. You can imagine the worst possible scenario, and ultimately accept it if it comes true, or realize that what you get isn't as bad as you'd think it would be. 

Eugene was really annoying in this episode, and if I didn't mention it before, it has a pretty dour message. Optimism can solve anything, so cram it down everyone's throats. Optimism is second to denial, if you go on assuming things will always be fine, what if you meet a dire circumstance that you can't change? It doesn't help that Chocolate Boy returned with the fire department. Would've been funny if they came at the request of someone else for a nice little twist.

Or better yet, why not have an episode where Eugene's optimism gets questioned, whether he annoys the wrong person or fails to liven up a situation, and falls into a bout of depression, one that causes a disruption of the natural order if you really wanna be more out there, it'd be a fun diversion, and certainly better than what this episode offered. It was essentially a lesser version of another episode.

For perspective, watch this and then watch Eugene Goes Bad, and tell me you don't see a form of erosion.

#2: Rhonda's Glasses

I'm all for social causes, my issue is that the wrong people represent them. Women are funny, do we really want Sarah Silverman to represent them? African Americans deserve to be seen as equal, do we really want Maxine Waters and Spike Lee to represent them? Animation is for everyone, do we really want 90% of the animation community to establish algorithms, parrot popular opinions, encourage further division and continue to give LSMark a platform?

I have talked so much about this episode I couldn't help but include this, especially so high. Hey Arnold was realistic, but when it came to touching upon major issues they tended to get cold feet. Is it because of management? In this episode, it has to be one of the worst examples of nerfing I've ever seen. They have a very obvious allegory for Rosa Parks, but instead of African Americans, we have geeks.

In this situation, who would be the defacto Rosa Parks? This would've been a good time to give Sheena a major role. She's the Dogpoo Petuski of the series, always around but never getting to do anything. But that would've made too much sense. No, let's have Rhonda be it. Isn't that like having a documentary based on Martin Luther King Jr. be directed by Tom Metzger?

Nobody ever learns anything in Hey Arnold, things return to normal by the end of it, so why have someone who regresses as soon as the last few seconds of an episode headline a message on equal rights? Especially if you introduce a strawman to justify Rhonda in this?

This episode lands higher because it takes a serious issue like racism and relegates it to the most benign degree imaginable. Sorry, but this was a dud, Pan, you're an idiot, I'm glad I never followed you.

I mentioned this countless times, but Static Shock handled issues on race better than this episode. So what's the standards with Nickelodeon, they can't talk about racism but... some other thing? Also apparently Cartoon Network's standards are so iffy they actually insisted the Powerpuff Girls beat up a villain even after he had been relieved of his corruption.

Dishonorable Mentions

Arnold Betrays Iggy would've been too obvious of a choice. Anything I could say about it has been said by other reviewers, and it holds true. It basically turned people off from Iggy and the plot happened for the sake of it happening. Any message it was trying to deliver was blurred by incredibly poor execution.

Curly's Girl I haven't seen, because frankly I already hate Rhonda. Did you not see what made the #2 spot? I probably would've hated it regardless, but I already get the idea behind Curly. This seems like a nothing episode backed by embellishment that others would be mocked for.

Student Teacher basically ran on fumes close to the end, and basically made Olga seem unintentionally toxic. When you think about it, there's a slight air of honesty with Bob and Miriam, whereas Olga is in borderline denial, and that's worse because they would shut out genuine criticism. It made me like two characters already infamous.

#1

I've seen only one other worst Hey Arnold episode listicle, and none of the choices on it have made my own. I want to make it clear this is my own opinion and you can take what was said with a grain of salt. It seems a lot of the worst episodes of Hey Arnold tend to be that way unintentionally, or just suffer the worst of aspects related to its often poor writing.

Any episode could've made this list based on those aspects alone, but when I made this list, I had a very clear idea what would make the first spot, one that takes the worst of Hey Arnold's faults and made me overthink a cartoon of all things. No episode I've seen then or since has come close to dethroning it. I'm going to lower myself to a standard that will come back to haunt me, but then again who actually reads this shit... unironically. 

Casa Paradisio

It's not so much what this episode did, but the implications it left behind. The borders are like one big happy family, and I need to bring that up so what I say next will make sense. The episode is basically about Phil trying to break from a dysfunctional family, and everything that happens basically reinforces his motivations.

The borders sack up to fix things, not because it's the right thing to do, not out of a willingness to change and not even to potentially walk a mile in his shoes, but to save their own asses, let's be real. If Phil was swayed into moving on his own volition, everything was fine and dandy, then of course you can act to protect thine arse. If the borders were genuine in trying to clean up their act, then it would lead to a more genuine impact.

They didn't care enough to try there, and it just left a rotten taste in my mouth.

The borders are essentially a dysfunctional family, and they were selfish enough to antagonize Arnold in order to get Mr. Smith's package, argue even when it wasn't allowed, also Suzy should consult her therapist about potential Stockholm Syndrome, I doubt Oskar can beat anyone's ass. Not to mention, this feels like that one episode of The Simpsons, There's No Disgrace Like Home, back when they abided to sitcom stereotypes before they got off the ground later on, and by that I mean much later.

Dysfunctional families are a hot button topic to me, where it's not they who have the problem, it's you apparently. Bite your tongue, nothing needs to be fixed, nobody wants to hear it, and don't forget, you're here forever. By the way, I got that idea in the conclusion of this episode, where things return to normal by the end of it, Phil gets to suffer, everyone saved their own asses, and the vicious cycle can continue.

I think we're well beyond the need to focus on dysfunctional families these days. Malcolm in the Middle's finale basically showed just how useless it was and that it led to an unsatisfactory conclusion; you focus so much on the outline you forget about what can happen in between each milestone. Walking away would've been a better conclusion on that.

We're in an era where dysfunctional families are common and well, helmed by delusional matriarchs and people only out for themselves, and seeking to put all the weight on the weakest link or who can provide for them, and this episode was so bad that it got me on quite a tangent. There was nothing more to it. Game over. It sucks. The end.

LTA: Alice in Wonderland (2010)

 It was laying on the ground, it had cover art that went beyond the confines of horrendous, as you watched it you heard voices, then some creepy shit, and that boy would grow up to be Saberspark.

Okay I'm just bullshitting. That was a half-assed summary of an old creepypasta based on Alice in Wonderland. Ah, but which one? The 2010 one. Ah, you mean the live-action Disney movie? Well keep that in mind.

I remember surfing IMDb when I was in jr. high, frequently checking out the bottom 100 and finding this film. I had no way of checking it out, so a lot was left to the imagination. It wouldn't be until years later that I discovered how bad most movies I caught on the bottom 100 were.

Background

This movie is an enigma. It was the only production by Cinematronics, no relation to the game company behind Dragon's Lair, but I'd give it the benefit of the doubt this was always intended to be a one-time affair. The film was helmed by one Michael Conroy. You'd think he'd be a mystery too, but it turns out he's been active as late as 2020, if IMDb's anything to go by.

He had also directed two low budget horror movies, both of which feature Michael Anthony Coppola, I swear they're multiplying, as well as having involvement in some ice fishing TV series.

This came out in 2010, yes, the same year as Disney's live-action take. Somehow, some way, Conroy acquired an archive of a radio show based on Lewis Carroll's tale, broadcast on NBC. Since Disney's take was gonna be out soon, he figured he could cash in with as little effort as possible. So, presumably on his own, he drew a whole bunch of stills, got enough JPEGs to make High Guardian Spice blush, and made sure to sync it up to the radio show, then saw to it to get this on store shelves around the time Disney hit that scene.

So yeah, this is essentially a low-effort mockbuster to cash in on the Disney adaptation that came out that year, with as little effort as possible. Mystery solved.

The film was distributed by Music Video Distributors, a name so generic it's hard to track down the actual company. But if I had to guess, I'd say they're a budget distributor that reissued old films on BluRay.

The presenter of this, Jeffrey H. Aikman, had involvement in horror and potentially pornographic films, also documentaries. He and Conroy would work together on a Sam Barber documentary. Jacob Farrell served as a background designer, or so it seems, but has also worked with Conroy on his two horror films, and we owe the character design to Lorene Zammuto, once more also only involved in Conroy's two horror flicks.

In spite of this movie being easy pickings, nobody has bothered to talk about this, I mean maybe MrEnter talked about this at some point. It's easy pickings, but otherwise ignored by a community that relies on easy pickings.

Unfortunately, it's gonna be hard to talk about this. I can't be too hard on a radio play that had standards well beneath what we have now. What is this MST3K? So this won't be a traditional review, sorry to say.

Animation a Bit

As they're essentially animating over radio audio, there's gonna be issues. Since radio isn't a visual medium, the dialog is stretched in order to help viewers get immersed in the narrative. Because of this, scenes are animated quite literally to match the dialog, making things seem slow and awkward at best, and unintentionally creepy at worst.

Yeah, the drag is undeniable, as if someone didn't think through the difference between audio and visual entertainment.

But let's get the white rabbit out of the room, the art direction... yikes. No surprise this was someone's first art project, either they tried so hard to capture the whimsy of children's art, or just felt bad for Chris Chan and wanted to make something that looked worse than Sonichu. There's no nuance, it doesn't fit with the nature of the story, it really looks as though they needed to make something and fast to cash in on another movie, oh wait.

So I Yield

There isn't really that much that could be said about this, maybe that's why people have been sitting on this for so long. Was this worth it? Well I had the sense to figure out why this came to be. It seems money is the definitive answer for many equations, that was this. Probably cost around a few hundred bucks, lest all the money was put toward acquiring the audio.

Wanna see for yourself? Let's see how far you can go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we07mAJRxdE&t=610s