That Modern Family Guy Christmas Special

 I don't even remember the name, Road to the North Pole? The show's been on for over 20 years, mix-ups happen. So, as someone who's willing to give most new adult cartoons a chance, well I mean The Harper House looks visually pleasing at least, someone who actually kinda liked Brickleberry, and one of the few people who picked up on the social commentary Neighbors from Hell had... I hate Family Guy. They killed Spaceballs in 2008.

I caught a lot of it when it was new, and I remember hating nearly every episode that came of it. It's harsh, but some episode I hated right away, others came overtime. Though it's disputed, I feel as though no one wants the show to end more that the staff. Either that or it's easy money and reinforcement that Disney likes to reach people's hearts through their pockets.

It's nothing new, but compared to other shows, it never got better. Hell, I have no reason to watch television these days so... pfffft. Only reason I'm going back to this now is because it's Christmas, and I bled myself dry with other Christmas specials, and unless I can sack up and defend Santa Claus Conquers the Martians it's either this or I skip the holiday cold turkey.

No background, no nothing, here's why I remember of it.

Is it still okay?

You know how Family Guy used to do cutaways to Conway Twitty? This was a stab at the network who would allow them to do just about anything. This kind of freedom had led to the edgy humor we all know today, but you already know that. I won't compare this to the first Family Guy Christmas episode because, pssh, who do you think I am? Just Stop with my incredibly obvious allegories, weaponizing what was meant to be a joke representing old school punishment and enjoyment of overtly obnoxious and annoying characters because hey she has a personality?

Never bet on a guy who complains about Butch Hartman, should've learned after LSMark.

The opening song goes to show how much cheaper the animation had become, I mean it's kinda like the post season one animation, but shiny. How could one look different yet similar at the same time? Was Family Guy that good, or just very cheap to produce? Not knocking the music itself, that's a high point no matter what.

I'd go more into the plot, but that can easily be broken down, so I'm just gonna go into what I recall of it.

Stewie wants to meet Santa, around this time he adopts traits similar to that of conventional babies. Honestly, I kinda prefer this to his evil nature because that was pretty one-note. If they kept his overt evil nature he'd do what he did when he became president or whatever, maybe.

I get the gist behind Brian and why people hate him, but I draw the line at pseudo-compensation. Why Quagmire of all people? People go into why Brian is bad but why do they draw a blank when it comes to Quagmire? This has been in the back of my mind for quite some time. Was this meant as a trolling method to get people to sympathize with... well you know already.

Brian gave someone herpes? Well Quagmire dated a minor and would've likely, definitely, had sex with her, and you'd turn a blind eye because it's Meg.

Now look, someone has to be Brian's foil, but given the measures they had to do to make Quagmire so, it feels like even they were clueless. All of the sudden he has these connections we didn't know about until now, and I'm wondering if he's making them up to justify it all. There's a difference between douchebaggery and honest mistakes, the latter doesn't happen often but you gotta know. I hate the both of them, but come on, do I side with the douchey mouthpiece who does dumb shit (and douche accounts for 95% of Brian these days), or do I side with the overtly obnoxious, self-righteous, borderline transphobic, pretty much sociopathic...

If it were up to me I'd have them bang and it turns out this animosity was due to Quagmire's repressed homosexual feelings (and bestiality). If this were like American Dad, all they need to do is fuck. 

This wasn't for nothing as this kind of scene occurred. If one took it out it wouldn't change a thing, we'd lose two jokes. Quagmire shaved a girl bald to pretend he gives a shit about cancer victims, then years later all this catches up to him and he suffers a stress induced stroke over Brian not being dead yet, and given he goes by dog years that's worth being mad about, granted.

Heh, wouldn't it be funny if instead of a cheery atmosphere at the North Pole it became all dark and shit?

Yes? You probably laugh at Jay Sherman.

The point behind this is that Santa is overworked due to everyone's constant demand for gifts. That is an interesting idea for a plot, but this is mixed with Family Guy type humor, stretching things out and seeing just how twisted one scene could be made.

It's not outrage worthy, just taking an interesting premise, looking at it, then forget about it as you're halfway through the script. I'm not mad, just disappointed. Even when they basically murder and/or traumatize a family after getting into the wrong house.

So due to Santa being vexed because of all the constant work and demand, Brian and Stewie take to delivering the presents themselves. They get into the wrong house, waste time, kill a man, bound and gag a girl and of all that, it's just realization that it's not easy being Santa. It didn't need to be shown, but it was anyway. Not scarred for life, but I feel those minutes would've been better spent on The Cleveland Show.

I hone in on scenes like these because honestly, that's all I remember from them. Shock value is only good in leaving lasting impressions. We may suck but hey, we'll be remembered somehow. If the cancellation theory held true, maybe they were hoping for enough outrage to have the plug pulled. Was Fox more evil than Disney in this regard? Is that why they divested the network to FoxCorp? Because I still consider both evil.

So for all this, the payoff is Brian convincing everyone to ask for only one present this year. A moral in not being so vain when it comes to material possessions is there, I'll admit, but the journey only barely justifies it.

All I missed from this is the hilarious jokes in-between. You're welcome.

Final Thoughts

Well, at least I got one Christmas review on the chopping block so far. That was an awkward trip down memory lane, at best encouraged by YouTube constantly recommending Family Guy clips. I could swear this is harder to sit through that other Christmas specials people like to whine about.

Explaining The Christmas Tree

 Remember the days when Doug Walker was a respectable reviewer? As much as MisAnthroPony wants to make people deny it, he had some serious influence back in the day, and it was through him the world was introduced, or reintroduced, to The Christmas Tree. It's the worst Christmas special of all time he says, I take it he never watched Bah, Humduck, but then again that's the worst Christmas Carol adaptation of all time.

Doug Walker was best known for bringing the particularly worst of animation to light, and that is something I can't really deny of him, but he focuses so much on the what, he does diddly with the why. Even basic research could yield a lot of results, and I feel he does very little with that. We all need context for a lot of these things.

I will say this, this movie really is an enigma. I had covered this a long time ago, but I feel now it needs an update.

So Why?

Before I get into this I'd like to give a shout-out to ManiacalDude who helped clue me in to another detail on this movie's history. He's looking to try and contact the one behind this, and I hope he does so.

Anyhow, The Christmas Tree is an animated Christmas special that was released in 1991 on television, yes, television. This had aired on USA Network, and unlike Rapsittie Street Kids which aired throughout the 2002 holiday season, this aired only once. This was apparently wedged between two better known Christmas specials on a dedicated holiday block.

Why would USA air such a film? First up, at the time they weren't quality conscious and were willing to air just about anything. This was within the USA Cartoon Express era, and just years before they blessed us with some of the worst video game cartoons of all time. The mentality of networks on Christmas; if it's a cartoon about Christmas, it makes the cut.

The special was spearheaded by Flamarion Ferreira. Some may be quick to call him a one-time hack, but his background goes as far back as 1979. Ferreira had worked for Hanna-Barbera and Filmation, and you may be thinking, well hey, limited animation is all he knows, but you wanna know his main area? Background design. Yep. A stark bulk of his credits lie in storyboarding and background design. This was his first time handling animation.

It goes out of the way to explain why the background look nice but the animation... isn't so much. I don't know what led him to do this, this wasn't backed by the network, and with his billing at the start, it seems he was pulling the strings.

It seems like this was an experiment of sorts for Ferreira, as mentioned before he only had experience with background and storyboarding. If he could pull off the other aspects of animation he could do anything, but wanted to start reasonably small and produced a little Christmas flick. That's the best I can come up with.

Aside from his own vanity card, this was produced by a company called Alice Entertainment. I had claimed they produced a show for TLC in 1997, but that wasn't true. Honestly with a name as common as that it's harder to find information on the company than one would think. Best case, Alice Entertainment was the special's distributor, given that the label is credited on the special's VHS release.

Yeah, one thing that saved this special from sheer obscurity was that it actually received a VHS release. This was done through Family Home Entertainment, who'd release just about anything, but due to its one-time airing it really wouldn't be until years later when it landed in everyone's crosshairs. Family Home Entertainment also released that Turtles Christmas special (and it's park musical counterpart) on VHS, but that was owed to them having full control over home media distribution on TMNT product (and TMNT was more shameless than anyone would lead you to believe. Fuck Rise)

The animation is incredibly limited. Up to this point, Ferreira only had experience from Hanna-Barbera and Filmation, more limited studios, and it's likely he picked up those norms from them and assumed what he was doing was better than them. While he had a staff on board, it's unlikely anyone had experience beyond basic nuances, either that or this was rushed.

Why are the actors so bad here? Easy, Ferreira had likely recruited whoever was available, regardless if they could act, hence some family members being involved. We do have a little info on most actors, namely where they were born, lest some actors actually opted to shed some light. It seems this was recorded in California. Some actors went on to get married and do nothing else it seems, save for one who appeared on some Investigative Discovery show. The actors simply didn't have the experience, and were likely rushed to get something out, lest this is some localization of a Brazilian script and a language barrier led to some dialog gaffs.

Final Thoughts

There is still a lot to be considered here, and a lot of this is just spitballing. Does all of this justify the low quality of the special? Well it's bad, but certainly not worst of material, there is worse... somewhere I guess, but this isn't about reviewing the special, it's about understanding it better, and honestly, we need all the understanding we could get from this.

Fleabag Monkeyface review

 When it comes to rip-offs... the prospect has been ruined. People see a Georgian cartoon featuring yellow people and rather than focus on the irony of them attacking Russian culture but rarely going after their own culture, lol dur, Simpsons rip-off.

Coconut Fred Fruit Salad Island, I don't know came up with the idea that it ripped off SpongeBob but one, it's technically more of a rip-off of Camp Lazlo, especially since we have a grumpy counselor and an impish assistant, a dementedly optimistic lead, twins who happen to be dumb as dirt... 2. Whoever made that claim probably believed that Sanjay and Craig was somehow a rip-off of a show about two mentally disabled groundskeepers.

Wild Grinders, it looks uglier than The Nutshack but whether or not it's a Rocket Power rip-off... it was created by a professional skateboarder. Still seems like a shitty show. Pixel Pinkie, hardly a rip-off of Fairly Odd Parents, but then again it's like comparing two turds. I can't even sit through an entire episode of the show. Johnny Test, it's likely it predated Dexter's Laboratory in terms of the pilot but hold up, it's getting a reevaluation of sorts for its earlier seasons?

Point is, people are so focused on what these shoes resemble that they hardly focus on the finer details. So of all these, why am I focusing on Fleabag Monkeyface? I saw it on IMDb, decided to check out an episode and knowing what it entails... I kinda liked it.

Background

Fleabag Monkeyface is based on a series of children's books of the relatively same name. The show came out around 2011 and lasted until 2012. It was a British and Signaporean co-production, though mainly attributed to its financier and animation studio. The show is credited to animation studio Sparky Animation and the kids division of documentary studio Impossible Pictures.

There are two other companies credited to this, Editude Pictures and the production arm of Walker Books, who had published the books this show was based on. Editude's based in Signapore and may account for financing there. Along with that the show was funded by Ingenious, aka that logo you see on many b-flicks or the occasional good movie. Just years before they funded the second series ever created by Jeff Muncy, who brought us Pet Alien. Just a little trivia.

While this was one starred to hell on IMDb, uploads of the episode surprisingly manage to hold more likes than dislikes. The same can't be said for Pixel Pinkie, which is why I bring it up.

At large

It's simple, just the day to day adventures of two boys and their gross concoction named (title of this show). Also this chicken themed villain who tries to get his TV show back after the two boys and the gross concoction replace him. Think Janet Hubert but more determined to become Aunt Viv again.

I had gone into this expecting Fleabag to be this incredibly annoying... thing of annoyance, but you're talking to the guy who has put up with Lazlo, got annoyed right away with Coconut Fred, Fleabag is a breath of fresh air, which is in the form of a toxic belch. He's not painfully naive to the world around him, at least from what I've seen.

The show is self-aware, not to the point of addressing the fact they are in an episode, but rather aware of its gross nature. Like they know it's nothing special, this is going by the book I have never read in my life. But apparently this is just part of their show. It'd make more sense if it was a video series given the infrequent nature of it and how it's rarely acknowledged. I mean if it's by camcorder and just sending recordings of it for air on TV, I'm going for practicality here, less this is like some Jackass scenario.

I do like how they set up a pool full of muck, and Fleabag didn't joke about making it a jacuzzi, just that it needs more muck.

Also, the voice acting suggests that they recorded in America, but actually the cast is made up of American actors living in the United Kingdom, one of them being Teresa Gallagher, who you may better recognize as Dennis' mother from the British version of Dennis the Menace. Also the mother of some incredibly obscure Cartoon Network show, something about chewing gum or something.

 The first time I watched the show, I had a can of beer. The second time without it, it's the same thing. I don't hate this at all. The worst this show may throw at me is repetition, but there was never a reason for me to give up on the show. I've met my limits before, and I was never close with this.

Regarding an episode where the chicken man creates a swamp monster that turns out to provide good publicity for the boys, I like how they don't take credit for it while their superior does. It helps to make the dynamic more believable, at least in my opinion. One thing I like is that I expect it to be gross, and get surprised when they subvert my expectations on gross out cliches.

Not to mention, scenes that seem awkward or padded out actually have some significance; chicken man imprinted on the swamp monster and views it as its mother. It makes more sense than you think, especially since it helps to expose chicken man as the one behind all this mess. I can't even be mad at Fleabag's blatant gross out gags because that's part of his character.

Maybe I just have a stronger stomach for gross out?

Animation

The animation for this show is fairly standard early-2010s television CG animation. There are some occasional jumps between motions, but it plays out fairly well.

But some of you more seasoned viewers are not in for that. Why did I go into that tirade about rip-off shows? Because people claim this is a rip-off of Fanboy and Chum Chum. Okay, I do see some similarities with art styles. I want to say that it's all a coincidence and that staff worked on both shows, but Sparky Animation never worked on Fanboy and Chum Chum to my knowledge, the art directors never worked on Fanboy and Chum Chum, at best this is just a play on the art style in the books.

However, this is based on visual similarities, other than that our characters aren't cosplaying as superheroes, there is no monkey concoction at least one similar to Fleabag, there is no evil janitor, no giant bully to the protagonists, no comic book collector, no arctic-based superhero, no obsession with slushes, no obsessed fangirl to my knowledge, no wizard of sorts, it's almost as if people are so quick to claim something is a rip-off based on visual standards that they don't bother to consider the finer details.

I will say this, the lead white boy looks like Jimmy Neutron and George (whoever the white kid from Captain Underpants was) took part in a splicing experiment and created their own son. He and the other boy are visually distinct from the other characters and they look like they would never belong in Fanboy and Chum Chum.

Final Thoughts

So, is this a rip-off? No. Is it easy to see why people would think it is? Yes. At its core this is the kind of show that's only good if you're in the mood for it. It's not as annoying as you'd think it is, the grossout is a big presence but not to an insufferable extent, I've seen worse, way worse, this doesn't even come close.

So, case closed, people are full of shit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHWOtRouFGU

Julia Jekyll and Harriet Hyde review

 This is yet another request by LDEJRuffFanReturns. Now don't get the wrong idea, but I take requests sparingly, especially on more known shows due to the fact that, heh, I have free will to decide how I feel about them. If I charge one dollar per requests on Patreon, would it still be considered a rip-off?

Unfortunately there isn't much about the production of it worth talking about. It ran for three seasons between 1995 and 1998 on CBBC. It was clearly an in-house production so I can't peg individual production companies, there are no familiar actors... uh... Dick Emery's sister was in this I guess?

What can I really say about Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? In the game, don't hit people with your cane otherwise you'd have a horrible time. At best the game is just hard and tedious to sit through. Also I'm glad this didn't get usurped by Disney. Then again The Incredible Hulk is like a send-up of it, and we know what happened to Marvel.

Premise

Let's see if I can guess the plot. Girl drinks a potion, unleashes a polar opposite creature, most episodes would revolve around her alluding suspicion or stopping wrongdoers. Either that accounts for this episode or those later on.

Before I get further into it, I'd like to point out how rare it is to see shows featuring females transforming into monsters. Either those that do have it rarely or the subject of the grander plot, or are subsided rather quickly. The most we got of actual transformations were in werewolf shows, and the new She-Hulk series doesn't count, but that's to be expected since she isn't like Bruce. Let's see how they handle the changes here.

Right off the bat I like how quick and to the point the opening sequence is. I also like how, at least for now, we get subtle ideas to what kind of girl Julia is, along with some obvious ones. Forgiving the rounded glasses, those pigtails are so 90s. Anyhow, gee, she is responsible and happy to do work, I wonder if she is gonna become the opposite? Why am I asking that it's in the title.

At times I feel like the foley work is a little iffy. I get that it's a schoolyard she's at and people are talking, but the more important audio needs to have a bigger presence. Just saying. Beyond establishing herself in the smarts department, I guess she has the will to lash out, albeit at someone that's fair game to her.

Am I really calling this out for establishing character traits? What is this the pilot?

Anyhow, we get introduced to two bullies, and you know they're bullies because they don't brush their hair. I guess they have enough respect to the school's policy for the dress code, and show fear to the principal- headmaster. Headmaster Memphis Rocket, the name of a city in Tennessee and the name of a company behind those Gnome movies and another company that loves their one production a little too much.

So apparently the headmaster is more chill than others, complete with Ian MacMystery hair, a brostache, and he talks like... a guy who likes rock culture, even going as far as making an exclamation with Procol Harum. I dunno, this came out a year before Van-Pires and I can already tell I may like him more than Van-Helsing. I hope he doesn't become a defacto villain, at least not for later on.

Right now I'm noticing this show practices physical and sometimes visual comedy. The former would imply the budget is reasonable enough that more ambitious scenes can be pulled off without trouble. It isn't as niche and familiar as Canadian shot shows like Goosebumps and Police Academy: The Series, and certainly isn't as ambitious as Australian shows like Round the Twist and H2O: Just Add Water.

Back to the show, we get an implication of an evil teacher, and it's not the headmaster, it's the uncle of the bullies, whose surname is Blister. I kinda get it, it's annoying, painful, hard to ignore and can be thought up on the spot. His presence as a science instructor would ensure that Julia gets a swig of a certain formula. No comment on whether or not his bias shines through, wait yes it does, he allows one of his nieces to do a simpler project.

Anyhow, I don't know if it's the copy that was provided to me or not, but I'm noticing some quick cuts to new scenes. The episode runs for about 14 minutes so I don't know if this is just an A-segment, who knows?

At the very least the science class would be a good segway into the concoction that would get everything going. This is something Julia is working on already. I got nothing more to say on that, so I'll just go on to the show's visual gags. We get a door getting blown off the hinges and a camera shake effect. I'm focusing on those because I'm curious to see how they handle the hyde transition. Are they gonna wuss out on it or actually give us a transformation? Deathmoon gave us a transformation, of some kind, and that was a TV movie from the 70s.

So, Julia's apt at creation doesn't go to waste, nor does the loose end of a door being knocked off the hinges. She is so innocent that her parents just expect these things to happen and that she's willing to fix it for her parents. They're Jekylls, not the Dursleys.

I'm no fan of the rapid cuts. If they're meant for comedic effect then fine, but I feel they happen way too soon. They're established, granted, but a lack of expectancy usually has a bigger build up than what is provided here, as if clips are missing from the recording.

By the way, chromakeyed paper spinning around the screen to simulate wind. Think it is much cheaper to produce stuff in the United Kingdom. The headmaster returns, I've been trying to hold back references to my review of Police Academy: The Series, but this and that both had gags about higher ranking figures having hair pieces.

Also apparently Vancouver isn't the only place that can get away with alcohol references in kids shows. Then again, Round the Twist got away with a hell of a lot more.

Fortunately, the headmaster would at least not have any reason to be a thorn in Julia's side. I dunno, something about him willing to be himself even in his profession shows that people don't have to buckle down too hard. The Blisters are down to evil archetypes, but even they have more personality than the average Fairly Odd Parents character.

I'd be saying that no matter how people view the creator.

So, Julia's concoction is gonna be a hair restorer. She could do that, or she could go to today's sponsor.

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This journal is sponsored by Keeps. We all come to a point where we fear the loss of our hair. When it goes, the past leaves with it. Keeps provides medical consultation and treatment plans to ensure those fancy follicles stand the test of time.

Go on to Keeps.com/channeleven and get nothing because I just wanted to take advantage of a hair-based sponsor in relation to a hair-based elixir.

========

The optimist in me says that we may get an interesting creature out of Julia, but the skeptic in me says that will either be a cliffhanger or just something we don't see happen. But maybe that won't be too bad, we only have... five minutes? No wonder this was requested.

So, upon seeing the handling of chemicals that looks like something right out of a late-80s Dr Pepper commercial, avoid the sentient can.

Now, if it's a hair solution, I guess it'd be fair to not have other students try it, did they even watch The Peanut Butter Solution? Probably not, I just felt like referencing yet another obscure production nobody cares about.

Alright moment of truth, so begins the proverbial drumroll and.... the transformation is as quick as the scene cuts, they don't show it, no groans, no sign of struggle, nothing. Okay, I guess a ballooning sleeve would be too rich for the producers' blood here, but am I really gonna express disappointment over something minor in a kids show?

It's a full body costume. The design and animatronic work isn't too bad given the budget, and I guess the tone of the show fits it well enough. Julia changed on the outside, but not so much on the inside. She talks, still has her usual voice, points for going for something a bit different I guess. By the way, she turns back as quickly as she initially changed, off screen and all.

And that's about the end. 

Final Thoughts

I'll give it the benefit of the doubt that more would go into this show as it goes on, but I feel the problem with this show is that things just go by too fast. Either that or the flow's off big time. But it wasn't a total loss. I really liked the headmaster and he didn't get too much grief, Julia is good enough I suppose and the animatronic work is decent given that not as much money went into this as other shows around the world.

To LDEJRuffFanReturns, I don't know how you feel about the show, but that's what I got from it.

So where does that leave me? Should I cover the new Harriet the Spy cartoon? Or should I go back in time and cover Fleabag Monkeyface? I don't have a subscription to Apple TV+, so...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEZejI1iBOo

LTA: High Guardian Spice

 So, High Guardian Spice has been out for a while now. I said I may watch it since I have a Crunchyroll account... but I don't have a subscription, and it looks like they changed up their profile pages. I can see where that subscription money went. They do offer a free trial period, but... I'm not gonna bother.

Yeah, I just settled on small clips. If I paid money to watch this series I'd hate it more because, heh, it's my own damn money, and a waste of a free trial period, and above all on a service I only used once years ago, which is currently owned by the shittiest dubbing company of all time.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to improvise here in an impromptu discussion. It worked kinda well with my discussion of the Rugrats reboot.

Unua Parto: Background or something

So, I'm pretty open minded when it comes to most shows considered bad. I consider Magical Girl Friendship Squad to be interesting and at least mediocre at best, I seriously don't get why people hate the first season of George of the Jungle so bad that some deviantArt fetishist hijacked the production and tried to make it like the original, but was unable to separate their kinks.... Police Academy The Series.

Even from clips alone... there is nothing I like about this show. It's almost as if focusing on diversity in your staff negated the fact that you need to make a good story to show that your diverse staff can make something worthwhile. Women are far more capable of writing good stories than these clamheads are capable of.

Amy Winfrey, created Making Fiends, one of Nickelodeon's more quirky productions. Pam Brady, made Neighbors from Hell, a show that's deeper than people would give it credit for, Julia Vickerman (yes I mentioned her), created Twelve Forever. Okay so I can't name some good examples off the top of my head (aside from one I'm ignoring out of principle, yet I mentioned Julia, clearly my priorities are in check. Siri, what's the symbol for sarcasm?), but great women writers are out there.

The fact that the diverse staff was touted so heavily not only set too high of a standard, but in hindsight it's pretty condescending, even offensive depending on how you look at it. Rather than just letting the work speak for itself, you put these ladies on a pedestal, either implying they're not equal, but better, or showing a lack of faith in what you can deliver. It also represents an emotionally distant attitude that shows they care more about their identity than their craft.

I know this has been done to death, but this really goes to show that priorities were put into the wrong area, and that it didn't help that the end product turned out to be worse than anyone expected it to be.

Only two people ever did anything prior, Raye Rodriguez who not only created the show but acted as a character designer on Danger & Eggs, which was ironically worked on by the same production company as Twelve Forever. I'll give Danger & Eggs the benefit of the doubt that it handles representation better than this show.

Also Kate Leth, was she the one who hates all men as she proudly displayed on her Twitter, and wrote for an Adventure Time comic. I swear as time goes on I'm becoming more and more distant from Adventure Time. It really did mark the end.

I won't go into much else that others did already (beyond whether or not it deserves placement on Crunchyroll), so I will point out one thing that nobody has yet. Apparently Cam Clarke is in this. Yes, Freddy from Barnyard himself, Cam Clarke (also apparently he was some pizza eating amphibian in some capitalist dreck some years ago.) It seems like Clarke is the most desperate for work, having appeared in the Coming out of their Shells Tour video, being one of the only original TMNT actors to do so along with Peter Renaday in some runs, and appearing in two later era Golden Films productions, as well as Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, but wait I actually kinda like that one.

Clarke is openly gay, which seems to have been why he was picked for this to further representation. No other known voice actor is in this. He even went to the trouble of changing lyrics in old songs to put in proper pronouns. It's important to note that Jim J. Bullock is another notable gay actor, but he was never considered. Unless people are catching on to how horribly Queer Duck held up, at least I know Bullock is at least mostly sensible.

I mean then again Clarke also dabbled in anime dubbing so maybe that's why he was more readily available.

Dua Parto: Plot Estimation

Though I didn't see a full episode, I was able to figure out and memorize the names of most of the characters. Rosemary, the adventurous and somewhat naive goofball warrior who's mother was lost long ago. Sage, the witch who is more nervous and the levelheaded one I would guess. By the way I would count on them coming out as loving each other. At least Steven Universe had a semblance of a twist, but even they went overboard.

Anyway, there's also Parsley, a dwarf and locksmith (or aspirant) who I didn't get much out of, and Thyme, the no emotion loner type who, take a wild guess. If you say learns to accept friends in her life to sell on the friendship aspect of the show, can I see your resumes?

So let me get the elephant out of the room, three of these are herbs. I guess they chose spice for the sake of finding a name that sounds cool. Either that or someone felt like doing an obscure reference. This has been mentioned before but to reaffirm it, this is a reference to a Simon and Garfunkel song. I'll give them this, Thyme's a cool name.

I'm not gonna go into how this rips off a lot of shows, allegedly, I'd be out of my element there because I don't watch a lot of anime. I know, shocking. I can say with certainty that this does little to nothing new with its plot structure. So little thought was put into how to make the story more interesting beyond tropes so common you'd think Ian Flynn ghostwrote most of these.

Archie Sonic fans, I expect you to comment below.

It gives me the idea that the writers were so concerned with how to incorporate representation that they wasted the few years of development and had to rely on a checklist to have something to turn in. But really, it goes to show how dry the action genre truly is, and how it has unavoidable cliches, like the dead mother, the evil student, doubt in one self, the quirky protagonist, the stoic dour protagonist, possibly more that I could get from clips alone.

There could be more, but none of the clips I saw fill me with confidence.

Parto Tri: So This is Anime?

There's one aspect that has been talked about to death, a western cartoon being featured on an anime service. I'm not gonna rule out networks or streaming services trying something new, IFC managed to get away with it, so did MTV. But up till this point, Crunchyroll were staunchly an anime service (bar any other oddities that made it on for whatever reason.), so it's fair to question why this made the cut.

Nepotism.

On its own, it's incredibly basic. Stiff movement that seems to try and emulate that of the east.

Visually... it's not good, hell, it fits what everyone has said about it. It's like a double A battery in a triple A battery box, how could you not miss it? For perspective, Crunchyroll released a video previewing their line of upcoming shows. Not even Parsley's big hair would be the signifier of a major difference. Also JPEGs.

It barely even qualifies as anime-esque. Hell, it only looks slightly more anime than Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi. They try their hand at some anime tropisms, but they come off as subpar at best. I won't call the end credits a rip-off of the opening ones in Azuumanga Daioh because apparently it's a favored Shonen tradition, but it looks clunky and very Steven Universe-esque. Doesn't help that Parsley shines the bean smile.

It isn't impossible to emulate anime movements, take two good shows that did it for instance, like Kappa Mikey and My Life Me. A low budget studio and a Canadian one can handle anime visuals and movements better than this.

Also JPEGs.

Those delays suggested less that they were making something great, and more like they wanted to wait until the controversy died down before they could continue. At this rate they blew their chance.

Kvara Parto: Representation

One of the only takeaways people have, and the one thing reviewers focus on, is the representation. Why else did our first glimpse into this go into proverbial dick sucking? I'm all for representation, I believe that trans individuals, queer, gay, lesbian, the like are people too. I respect them as individuals and see them as such, and they are a part of life whether people like it or not.

My problem is how most shows tout them like puppets on a string and are most likely trying to meet a quota, or simply don't know how to write characters like these. At times I feel like diverse individuals are more phobic than actual phobics. It's one thing to ignore them, it's another to parade them like caricatures.

They made Betty DeVille a lesbian because she looked butch enough to fit the role apparently.

They have a lesbian couple, one of which has a purple mohawk and tattoos. How wonderfully stereotypical. Look, how one dresses is up to them, but I feel like too many lesbian characters not only act the part, but have to look it too. Not every lesbian has to go all out, it's all about finding love and satisfaction in the same sex.

It's so bad that people classify TeeLa as a lesbian when she just has an undercut.

But, there is one thing people talk about a lot when they bring up representation in this show. Caraway.

Caraway is a female to male trans character, who just so happens to be based on Raye Rodriguez, aka the creator. The proverbial dick sucking is sounding a lot more realistic when you think about it. People know this, but if you ain't people, what did Caraway do to explain his transition.

Did he:

A. Allude to his transition when Rosemary discovered that he used to be female when he was younger.

B. Defines transgenderism while halfheartedly incorporating elements of the show into it.

C. Lash out at Rosemary for bringing up his dead gender.

I know most new people would think it's either none of these or immediately pick the one most synonymous with anti-SJW folk, but I don't fly like that. So the correct answer is B. Caraway explains what transgenderism is, but substitutes hormone pills and any reassignment surgery to potions and new magic, the main motif of the show.

Now this would be fine if this was a show aimed at little girls, like the art style would imply. But no, it's meant for mature audiences. Kids can get drag queens to educate them on gender and sexual diversity, but apparently creators think people become more stupid as they get older.

Caraway's reveal has an underlying sense of self-gratification and reflects how out of touch he is with the rest of society. While transgenderism isn't 100% accepted, it is at least mainstream and contemporary, people can figure it out quite easily. Raye was just tooting his own horn, and I barely got more beyond his identity and association with Rosemary's mom.

There's more to an LGBT character than just being their identity, like their personality, their motivations, the like. I want people in the LGBT to feel like they don't have to pull an extravagant guise just because they operate differently. Not all lesbians have freaky hair-dos or a punk like exterior, not all trans individuals are one note with a twist of egotism.

Goes to show their touting of diversity reflects an underlying superiority complex and a lack of connection to common sense or the deeper struggles of those in the LGBT.

Dare I say it, I wish Gen Zed got made over this, at least they showed animation the first time it reared its head into the ring.

Parto Kvin: Final Thoughts

There's nothing in this show that peaks my interest. I don't even wanna check it out in full. I know I'm tempting fate with that, but there has to be interest in order to inspire watching it. I'd probably feel the same if I had watched it, and I tend to disagree with the majority a lot of the time.

Even without the disastrous initial trailer, the show would still be bad. No innovation, basic animation, borderline ugly art style but certainly lazy, and JPEGs, generic characters, generic storyline, and representation that would set the LGBT back by years.

Am I wrong? I implore you, if you had seen the show, tell me if I'm wrong.

B-Sides: The Paper

 I've been on quite a roller-coaster with SpongeBob SquarePants lately. In spite of my general attitude and comments regarding the more incessant parts of the fandom, I will admit this, seeing the newer episodes for the first time on television, I actually hated them. But these days there's another issue I have with the fandom, well, beyond their immense simping. I feel like few people take into consideration that even the older seasons have their general flaws. I've seen some people disown another reviewer because how dare he say the first season wasn't as great as the other ones?

We know the show got pretty messed up around the sixth season, but, what if this was in the cards as far as the first season? Not as bad, but easily comparable, unsatisfying, and not as good as you recall?

Why is it this supposed atrocity went unnoticed for so long? Well this episode only comes along one month per year.

The Episode

Holiday episodes have always been pretty peculiar. Lest it's a half-hour special, the a-segment is dedicated to the holiday in question, while the b-segment is a regular episode that somehow keeps with the theme of the a-segment. I feel like they got this right with the Halloween episodes; the a-segment is set during the Halloween season, the b-segment is a particularly creepy normal episode.

SpongeBob SquarePants' M.O. on this is the strangest I have ever seen. The b-segments, beyond the Halloween episode, could be shown without their holiday counterparts and none would be the wiser. An April Fools Day episode is followed by a pretty regular episode, and an episode relating to Valentines Day is followed by... a piece of paper.

It's like the regular episodes, but you can only see it once, a few times if you're lucky, a year, in the shortest month on the calendar. Sounds interesting, but if the episode turns out to be a letdown, you'd be thankful you can just go online to watch it.

Still... The Episode

Squidward throws away a gum wrapper, SpongeBob waxes praise over it, constantly, bugs Squidward about whether or not he wants to keep it, Squidward is wrung dry by SpongeBob having fun with it, he winds up giving everything away, and it's all for nothing.

Kinda reminds of Squid Wood, you know, one of many episodes that people happen to hate. Squidward doesn't want to play with SpongeBob, SpongeBob constantly bugs him over wanting to do so, he make a ventriloquist dummy that people go nuts over, you get the picture. And yes, that accounts for a glut of the episode. Ironically, there was also a Squidward dummy in this.

Barring the quality, the similarities are uncanny between either episode. We had Squidward... why would I say it episodes as far back as the first season, they just weren't as common as they were until later on. I blame Camp Lazlo.

I can understand something like karma playing a role but... what did Squidward due to deserve all this? Was it for littering? If you don't throw out your trash someone will make it seem cool and cost you everything? That's an interesting approach to an anti-littering PSA I guess.

The jokes in this are kinda basic... almost... bland even. It's as if the second and third seasons were funnier than the first. If I get detractors for saying this, of course I would. Hooky even practically recycled a joke from Pickles, and that episode sucks balls too.

When the rules and limitations to paper are removed, it's not creative, it's plain lazy. Things happen with it for the sake of happening and pushing the plot along. You may be saying, "Well of course it's pushing the plot along, that's kinda the point." I dunno I feel there's much to be desired, more than just one-upping Squidward because.... because.

You could say Squidward brought it upon himself because he was desperate, but SpongeBob didn't help matters.

Final Thoughts

If it were up to me.... I'd scrap the concept entirely and replace the b-segment to a Valentines episode with SpongeBob falling in love with a girl, too bad the other characters had romantic plots in later episodes.

This episode is another example of an irritating nothing episode, and it yields many similarities to that infamous category of SpongeBob episodes, you know the one, no matter how much you wish to deny it. It was the way since the start, it just became more apparent later on.

People become so attached to the older seasons of a long running show, at times they become blind to whatever flaws the older episodes may have. It happened with Teen Titans, where the constant praise it received led me to become more aware to its flaws.

If you don't agree this episode is bad, can we at least agree that it's not very good?

Police Academy TV Series review

 Time ago I did a review of a re-edit of a beloved television series I never watched. Now I'm going to review a TV adaptation of a beloved film series I never watched. Hear me out, how does it play out for an outsider?

Background

Police Academy The Series was created by Paul Masalansky, a producer on the original Police Academy movies. The quality of the show hits different when it's the conscious effort of someone associated with the initial property. Then again it was the work of the producer, so I guess he saw dollar signs or something, he or the distributor.

Along with Masalansky, the show was co-produced by George Goodman and Barry Rosen, who both had previously produced a television adaptation for Zorro, one of many, back in 1990, which was strangely co-produced by the animation studio behind Doug and The Adventures of TinTin (this was a live-action show by the way.)

Another producer behind this was Steven S. Levitan. Wait, you mean the guy behind Modern Family? No. I mean the guy behind Goosebumps, well, he produced the TV adaptation. Still just as interesting.

Police Academy The Series was produced for syndication, a different ballpark compared to network television. You can get away with a bit more in syndication and are guaranteed more episodes, but you're held back by budget restraints. Many shows like these were outsourced to international units to make use of tax credit programs or cheaper filming. Warner Bros. took advantage of this the most in the 90s, via partnerships with French and German backers. However, this seems to be an exception.

Also interesting fact, Protocol also produced Code Name Eternity, another Warner Bros. syndie show.

Though not that obvious, the show was filmed in Ontario. Because of the cheaper filming and funding, they couldn't afford bigger actors, i.e., those from the movies. They were able to get Michael Winslow, but only for limited commitments. The show featured Matt Borlenghi, who's surprisingly still acting as recently as Cobra Kai, and had a lot of roles before then after this.

There was also Joe Flaherty, Kenneth Mars, Dom DeLuise, Colleen Camp, even some voice actors. One interesting thing about Canadian productions is that some of them actually recruit voice actors to appear in live action roles. It happened once with Tabitha St. Germain in an episode of The Outer Limits.

In the first episode alone, we got appearances from Andrew Kavadas, aka Bruce Banner in Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes... also Simon Belmont from Captain N. There was also Dave Squatch Ward, but he has too distinct of a voice for me to not recognize. I know him from two other roles.

The Show

Whether or not this follows the structure of the original movie is not known to me. All I know is that it's a slap-sticky comedy film taking place in and around the police. I can tell new characters were brought in to mimic those in the films, once more, it would cost a hell of a lot more to get them to commit to 22 episodes.

Of these we have the dumb as dirt but kindhearted giant, the fierce latina, the blonde who seems to be a hazard to the luck of those she loves, two relatives who worship each other, I'm sure there's an allegory in there somewhere, the skeptic sergeant and the goofball commander. Also the smooth talking lead, named Richard Casey.

Casey is brought in as a cadet after separating the roof of a car from a bus driven by two assholes who wrecked his truck, as an ultimatum against prison time. Noble intents brought him in, so fair enough.

One problem people have that I can understand is that the show is trying too hard to be funny, and... true. They lay on a lot of sight gags and slapstick. Is this gonna be like Ninja Turtles The Next Mutation? No, because Next Mutation will always be more idiotic. At least Police Academy lays the gags on harder than crazy sound effects.

To its advantage, most of these gags catch me by surprise. They may be silly, okay stupid, but I never expected the big guy to shoot a lightbulb, nor did I expect Casey to stuff jinx girl's bras with foam rubber to ensure she can pass a swimming test. The show at large isn't that serious to begin with, and the plots lend themselves to that quite well, another advantage against Next Mutation which has ideas that should be taken seriously, but they just fuck it up.

For how corny it is, they wear it by the sleeve, so I guess expectations for non Police Academy viewers could be reasonably low. It's not edgy 90s schlock, it's not in your face with idiotic trends and I have yet to see one skateboard. It's basically a classic.

I'm aware that the original movie had a balance between comedy and more serious bits, yeah that's a letdown... moving on.

Compared to Turbocharged Thunderbirds, I actually managed to sit through one episode of this show in one sitting. Yeah, a marathon of dumb gags with the same commercials repeated managed to hold my interest for that long. I have shit taste.

Final Thoughts

There really isn't much I can really say about this show. It's dumb and a disservice to the movie it's based on, but it's not unwatchable. If you're in the right mood you could get some enjoyment out of some good ol' dumb humor, and be surprised at most of the visual gags. As someone who never saw the original Police Academy, this doesn't impact my opinion on it, I can expect it to be better than the show, but I dunno, this wasn't that bad, it's not good but I've seen worse. There is worse.

In principle, at least they didn't make it a cartoon that went with a trend of adapting adult or R rated franchises and turning them into kids cartoons. If Fred Wolf didn't make Freddy Krueger and the Straight Edge Gang he is no creator I wish to know.

It really is a love it or hate it deal, whether people like it or not.

Episode Review: Casa Paradisio

 I was gonna do a review of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode The Paper, I might still do, if I have the time and energy. Right now, I wanna take whatever time I have to do a little venting.

I've been watching Hey Arnold! again lately, and I maintain it's a good show, but even it has problems, an over-reliance on convenience, characters being used for the sake of a plot, if not to make a bad character look good, Arnold being devolved to a moral guardian, and the crazy thing is is that this wasn't an issue in the later seasons, even Arnold got a bit better around that point.

I feel like around the middle of the show, lesser episodes were quite common. I can understand the purposes of episodes like Helga's Makeover, Door #16, but a lot of episodes around season 3 felt empty. Looking back I realized that Klasky Csupo were like "Bro let me copy your homework." in one or two episodes, but to be fair Hey Arnold did it once with an old sitcom from the 80s, with not much nuance beyond the creepy nature, and they thought no one would notice.

Nickelodeon seems to enjoy recycling a lot of ideas.

Anyhow, Arnold Betrays Iggy is so bad that I actually agree with the sentiments against it. Its B segment was no better either. Two out of every four segments I watch leave me unsatisfied. But anyway, this one somehow made me feel worse.

The Episode

Grandpa Phil is hit with hard times, bickering borders and a building that's basically falling apart, and few are willing to at least suck it up and give him a break, and speaking of convenience, an offer to buy and remove the boarding house just so happens to come up. This leads him to desire a break from it all, a long term break if you will. So what? Is Phil gonna travel to Florida for a nice relaxing retirement but it turns out to be a condominium which is somehow too good to be true and he runs the risk of losing everything for nothing?

Actually that would've been more interesting. How do I put this? Gertie's the least selfish person in the room and she does what she wants. Phil wants to get away from the Borders as he feels he could no longer put up with the rigors of a low quality establishment that may be well out of his hands monetarily, and borders that bicker endlessly, the borders essentially don't want to find a new place to live.

I get the idea behind the conflict, but Ernie and Mr. Hyunh have jobs, and a weeks notice. Oskar has no job but who gives a shit about him? But his wife Suzy does and she wouldn't leave his ass until nearly 19 years later. Nothing is ever easy, or forever. It's pretty shitty to kick people to the curb, but at least for this episode they're asking for it. I could say Phil is nearing the end, but come on, if the family curse doesn't get him he could make it to 150. Hell, he lived 19 years after this episode aired.

(okay, it's wishful thinking that the Jungle Movie would literally take place years after this show, but given how out there the movie was... never mind they were trying to make up for lost time.)

Thing of it is, it's a paradox. Phil is framed as selfish though he has every right to be at the end of his wits, yet the borders are selfish though they are the same as when they started. Who do I root for? There's the moral and ethical concerns of the Borders, but Phil is a funnier character than any of them combined.

Their attempts at dissuading Phil amount to glorified groveling and flattery, and I like how Phil doesn't buy into it even a little, but I'll save that for the end. Think of it like "Here we're being nice, keep patting our asses gramps." Like you have to suck it up every day for the rest of your life because of what path you chose. If this is an attempt at showcasing the dark side to lifetime commitment... no, Helga and the Nanny had better implications.

I wish Lana Vail didn't move out, would've loved to see what she would've said, had she not bowed down to the mob mentality had by the borders, and then I get the idea why she moved out.

So, about the end, for turning down the offer... things return to normal unceremoniously, and to add insult to injury, it's put to words. A hollow promise that's broken almost immediately. What have we learned? You're stuck with the people in your house no matter what so suck it up and bow to their will. I can't even be mad about even signing away the boarding house, because the arguments against it were handled so poorly a scam would've been preferable.

I only technically sided with Phil in this, otherwise I'd just have regrets with nothing to show for it. You go back to relive childhood memories with your favorite shows, only to feel worse when you're old enough to comprehend issues never considered. 

Final Thoughts

I at least know where I stand with Arnold Betrays Iggy, I'd say it had better justification for its plot, but that'd be a lie. I never liked Iggy anyways, it's only good if you hate Arnold and want to see him on the retrieving end for a change. I consider Helga's Makeover to be pretty poor too, but then again that came out earlier and few of the characters were truly defined, and this was meant to play into the girl power schtick, at least that's what it feels like.

It's not an oddity that feels more like a fabrication than an actual episode, it's not horrendous, it's not an issue... it's just nothing, not even a basic nothing, an irritating nothing. It's like an itch you feel on one of your toes. You're wearing tightly laced boots, you're driving for a long trip, squishing your toes together doesn't make it work, stopping to scratch it yourself means losing momentum on the highway, that lingering feeling persists and spreads, it's a lose lose situation.

Wanting to move to Florida but force people out to the street with no consideration, against people wanting to keep the owner from selling the joint while only sacking up just to sell a facade, that's a lose lose situation with nothing to show for it. I heard of episodes going back to the status quo, but never during the episode itself, like a full blown circle.

If it's all about family, it's less "We are family." and more "We're your family, you're stuck with us forever, we will do everything in your power to ensure you stay. Live with it." But it beats the hell out of how I'd handle it. "Why do you keep calling me grandpa? I can't be one. I don't have a grandson." See? It doesn't even fit the show.

If this was an anti-Florida pitch, how about you tell us why it sucks, I mean it can't suck, that's where Cr1Tikal comes from, it's awesome by default, awesomely moist.

Constant humidity? Or regret straight to the grave?

Okay, cutting this short, just gonna keep rambling on.

Miracle in Toyland review

 Yep, jumping right to Christmas again, people certainly favor a biblical holiday over a holiday marked by blood... also the fact that few obscure Thanksgiving specials are out there. The day I cover the Peanuts is the day I sell out.

What'll make this special? My... penchant for detail?

Background

Longtime viewers of Phelous will know the name Golden Films, or Goodtimes Entertainment, or both essentially. If you don't, Golden Films was one of multiple producers of films meant to cash in on the success of more popular ones, in this case, Disney. Though I hate the company and enjoy anyone sticking it to them... they're not that interesting, and it shows that mockbusters aren't just a thing of the 2010s.

You see, what they would do is release their films on VHS around the time Disney did the same for their movies, with the intent of fooling buyers who wouldn't know the difference. There was an attempt at sticking a fork in that practice, but it ended with Disney realizing that they don't own the rights to the fairy tales they base their films on, which is the basis for Golden Films' adaptations. 

It's almost as if Disney's entitled or something.

However, while Golden Films is on a pretty low ebb, only technically being within the right to make what they did, they aren't the worst company of the lot, that honor goes to UAV Corporation, their adaptation of Mulan stands as one of my most hated movies of all time.

Any discussions on Golden Films tend to only go as far as their filmography and status quo, as if the company successfully buried any clues to their foundation. A key figure to the company is Diane Eskenazi, who founded it around 1992.

Their earliest production seems to be King Arthur and the Knights of Justice, a television series that ran in 1992 and has her credited as a producer, so it checks out. What tended to confuse people was that Golden Films was often credited under the American Film Investment Corporation label, whether it acted as a pseudonym or low profile subdivision that got done in after Golden Films reconsidered their business model.

Eskenazi's latest production, and one prominently touted on her more up to date summations is One World, a show so successful... it doesn't even have any ratings or reviews on IMDb. Now that's what I call success.

Golden Films rarely credited their actors, or at the very least they aren't covered on IMDb, but it can be inferred that they hired union actors like Cam Clarke, Debbi Derryberry, Darren Norris (who interestingly starred in a B family movie covered by Brutalmoose), or whoever was looking to be hired.

For anyone curious, the voice of Phelous mainstay Old Man is supposedly Jan Rabson.

The film was released around the time Golden Films sought to produce, supposedly, more original titles. These were executive produced by Robert Halmi Jr., of RHI (acquired Little Rascals and produced Secret World of Alex Mack) fame, but that company wasn't involved in any of these. Would've made things more interesting or gave them more money to work with.

Personally, I would've preferred to cover Little Angels: The Brightest Christmas, but apparently it's not on YouTube, which is why this is on the chopping block.

I may be accused of aping off Phelous, but this is more like me aping off Bobsheaux who aped off Phelous. At least you won't be charged two bucks just to read this review. I'd just charge you for a request.

And finally, on with the show

We begin with a first, a Christmas film that starts with a war. This is meant to establish the main character Jessie Justice (and that's silly even by cheap family movie standards) and his dynamic with his general...? father. I get the idea, but I feel this overstays its welcome, and as this is the first thing we see in the movie, it's bound to lead to some serious whiplash. We do get an otherwise okay opening song, okay as in nothing special and barely blending well with the ongoing action.

All I can say about this is that apparently Clark Kent is in the army, and they had a passive aggressive response to having a female in their troop (yeah we'll take women, but just one.) I'd kill to see an animated movie centered on a female soldier fighting in the army that doesn't involve Chinese mythology otherwise I'd be getting Mulan recommendations up the ass.

By the way, the soldiers are mutually exclusive to this dream, yes this is a dream. At least 15% probably established what Jessie is like and what his conflict was, but we'd get more important details later on. Stop me if you heard this before, a child tries to prove their worth to their father, but the father prioritizes their work over their child.

Never heard that one before.

Anyhow, we get our secondary protagonist, of sorts, at best she's around to establish the conflict. Jessie's cousin Gabriella. Now, I was willing to give it the benefit of the doubt that Phelous was exaggerating their relationship for laughs, but thanks to Folgers I understand implications go a very long way. It's normal for cousins to hold hands... when they're young...er than they are here. Also any hands on action that'd look fine when it's between kids that don't know any better, but incredibly awkward when they're older.

It's family values that make this country creepy. Anyhow, I don't know how old these kids are supposed to be, one of them still enjoys getting toys... hey, my interest goes as far as coin collecting and logos.

I'll go into the animation issues later on.

Here, we see just what Jessie's problem is, his desire to be the best and disregarding others. This shown at a soccer game (even though Gabriella said they were heading to school the first few minutes we saw her.) Would've been a good opportunity to better establish the characters, but that would mean adding more time than.... 50 minutes?

At best, the odds for this are better in favor than those in Little Angels. It's... believable for now. Anyhow, this leads to Jessie breaking all the rules in front of a referee who's either blind or bored out of his skull just to score the winning goal.

So he disregards others out of insecurity for his own self and desire to please his father. Never heard that one before. Neither have I heard about a father having to work on Christmas. I mean this is the same company that made cash-ins on popular Disney titles, not so much the stories but what they include, should I really be surprised they'd use existing ideas here?

Anyhow, he says Jessie will stay at Gabriella's house, but it seems she's just staying with him, as if her parents were scared straight by a coffee commercial, yeah I made the Folgers joke twice.

So, to lift Jessie's spirits, the two go to a toy store, who's perspectives would be gone into in another section. He not only pisses Gabriella off after making her carsick in a go-kart race, but apparently lost the only person that tolerates him. This might be a good time to introduce some fantasy elements, in the form of magical toys. I mean it's implied in the title.

Of our roster we have Super Duper Guy, the five seconds it took to come up with that... a buff dolt, army douche, a pirate, Pochahontas (yeah I couldn't come up with anything else), and something for the men, an elf that doesn't hide much. So what happens next? I'll tell you if I can find a way to sum up nonsense in the form of a long song, a rescue mission that goes nowhere and an incredibly lucky guess on what a Christmas Tree star contained. Also Jessie leaves a toy soldier to die, but you telling me there are no medical doctors in the line of toys? Rather than stay with the man, Jessie could've taken him back to base camp. Just saying.

So, dream ends, if it was one, Gabriella is still present by the store, whether or not her abandonment was just a test, best possible guess. Also apparently Jessie's dad's plane was downed. If there was anything more to it that wasn't covered by Phelous... and nobody else, would mentioning them make any difference? At least I can't make a reference to The Room through text.

Now then, the idea of the toys only existing in Jessie's imagination would be enough to get him in tune with a happier self. This might've been done before, but it's better than just having the toys actually be real living things that ultimately save Jessie's dad and convince him to be a better father.

Did I just discuss the key points to the plot all the way to the end? Whoops... guess that means I gotta wrap things up soon.

Animation (and other stuff)

Let's be real, Golden Films were never known for quality animation, and the low quality is especially noticeable in this, and just as inexcusable for something made in the year 2000. On the surface it looks okay, but it's when you look at the finer details that things are seriously wrong. First up, the scene continuity, like characters just warp into place, scenes are often reused, whole lotta corner cutting. For a good example, the scene at the soccer field had them walk off of it then cut to them back on it somehow.

The audio overlays are also an issue, where the soundtrack tends to drown out the dialog, as well as dialog overlapping on scene transitions. Also the standard and always hilarious outfit swaps, where one scene had Jessie in his PJs and then cut to him with his outfit already on.

At the soccer-field again, I would say they fucked up by using the wrong character model for when Jessie goes to approach a teammate he knocked down, but it could've just been another he hit. But one thing is for sure, they got lazy and reused a model of a character in an opposing team.

Jessie is standing up crying in one scene, to establish the proper introduction between him and the toys then the next time we cut to him he is asleep.

The toystore is the hardest to ignore, thanks to its ridiculous size proportions, giant toys on shelves towering over the customers. Was this meant to capture a child's imagination and wonderment in a toy shop? I could use an answer here. 

I won't go into Jessie's supposed bipolarism since that could've been owed to Phelous missing continuity cues, but I will question how Jessie knew about the rules of a go-kart challenge even though it's within the first minute he got into one. An overlong gospel leads to a sudden segue into a conflict that goes nowhere.

I question if the music was made before the animation given how it only barely fits what's going on in its scenes.

I will give it this, the one thing that kept me from shutting this off was keeping an eye out for continuity errors, so I'll give them that. It's a nitpicker's dream.

Final Thoughts

Whether I consider this the worst or just not very good is inconsequential. The film is kept alive only by those who cover it, and it seems even contemporary viewers weren't that fond of it...

Nothing... I have nothing. Bye

I Can't Even Look at the Rugrats Reboot

 Okay, this is a first. How can I go into a show that I can't even look at? I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to shows people deem ugly, I'd defend Mr. Meaty to the bitter end and I do enjoy the art style Klasky-Csupo was once known for. But... this somehow broke me.

Not going into the quality of the show, I'm just gonna go into my overall impressions and why I won't watch it.

I was watching a JordanFringe video about the show, I got to a point I had to scroll down just to not see the footage, something about it gave me a fight or flight reaction, and I couldn't keep going. Keep in mind a glut of videos like Jordan's tend to feature clips of the show covered for a bulk of the video. I'd get an eye-full of the show just through those clips alone.

Now granted, the initial seasons of Rugrats looked... abstract, to say the least. It takes time to get used to it. Either we've seen so much of the original show we've built a tolerance for it, or maybe we've seen worse, who knows? For the strangest reason I always thought Rugrats was for preschoolers, serves my judgmental ass right.

What I know about it

Though I haven't seen an episode proper nor intend to, I've discovered some aspects through word of mouth and whatever I heard from JordanFringe. Based on some clips, it looks like they made Grandpa Lou gay, or just gave him a friend. Now granted I'm not against gay couples, more power to them and it is a nice change, but altering a character just to fit that is just asking for trouble and making people assume they're forcing labels onto people. This is just speculation on my part, correct me if I'm wrong on that.

I do know for sure they made Betty into a lesbian. It seemed to be quite an abrupt change as she was previously married (I mean then again they could've split sometime after having Phil and Lil). Let's say I'm open to these erratic changes, of all people to turn gay, why would they pick the butchest looking woman in the room?

All for representation, not for caricatures. It's less "Let's experiment with sexuality and help inspire new ideas for plots, further representation and show kids that it's okay to be gay." and more "She looks pretty lesbian, quota complete."

It's a pretty dangerous move and it could cause newcomers to assume all lesbians look a certain way, rather than just understand any woman could pine for the same sex. You mean to tell me if a girl practices tomboyish behaviors and has short hair they are automatically declared a lesbian? Well how dare you force labels onto people because of a clear lack of communication and care to the sensibilities of people who are different.

You may be thinking, well who would I wish to be gay if there had to be those? Well Chaz can fit the bill (I know it's tempting the fate given his nature), but the opportunity is there. Kira can be a lesbian as well, as she got the gall to stick up to her former superior, but is still willing to act as a godmother to Chuckie.

By the way, Kimi's gonna be a late inclusion to the show, again.

There is one big notable change. They made Suzie the same age as the babies. I'm about to potentially repeat points by Jordan verbatim, but I doubt there's any other way to say something I happen to agree with. The point behind Suzie was to create a foil to Angelica, someone her age who can easily work against her. Just because Suzie aligned to the babies, that doesn't mean she had to be aged down for it, she could already understand them.

I get Suzie is a more divisive character, a bit of a mary sue in some cases (though All Grown Up hammered the latter point straight to the ground.), but was this really the best option? I mean again, Kimi's getting thrown into the mix too. Anything else I'd say would either be wishful and over-thinking.

Also for the clips I saw, apparently there was a gag involving Snapchat filters. 

How is this hard to look at?

I don't know if the changes got to me or not, but just looking at the footage gave me quite a reaction. I'm not one to lose my mind over reboots looking drastically different, I was willing to give this the benefit of the doubt of being an expendable reboot, not worth losing one's mind over. But let me tell you this, give the 2016 PPG reboot whatever crap you want, I'd defend it's easier on the eyes than this.

What prompted a CG reboot? This was well after theTV CGI craze of the mid 2000s, and even those cartoons look better than this. Because Rugrats had a very particular style, it was hard to translate to 3D, surely, and the results go to the uncanny valley, by foot and flight. It's a sharp turn, and the world wasn't ready for it. There's something about bulgy bodies with big eyes and tiny pupils.

When even most of the Rugrats video games are more aesthetically pleasing, something is seriously wrong. Hell, Kamp Koral looks better than this. Anything that doesn't have a malleable style hardly translates well to 3D.

How big was the demand for a Rugrats reboot? Has rampant nostalgia gone too far to the point Nickelodeon is seeking to bank on it? I hope it's the latter because all my complaining in the past would not be in vain.

There's a Ren and Stimpy reboot coming to comedy central, and I doubt that'd look any worse than this, hell, Adult Party Cartoon will always look worse.

Am I missing much with this? Let me know.